Monday, December 15, 2008

Mindfuck Manifesto: Fox Urine Trouble

Foxy Brown says Ill Na Na to all this drama


Not much of a mindfuck really, more of a face-wrinkling headscratcher. The relative gist of the story is quite clear- there’s this 50 year old dude, Scott Wagner, who’s been consistently hassled by kids egg-ing and toilet paper-ing his house every year for about 8 years (Homecoming ritual apparently). So this time, as the kids are tp-ing his house, he decides to defend his property by spraying them with fox urine. Dude’s now facing charges. Makes sense, right? Not quite.

1) Firstly, can we turn our attention towards the fact that Mr. Wagner wore night vision goggles during his Operation Fox Urine offensive? Now, I’m no legal expert, but if you’re trying to convince a court of law (or anyone for that matter) that you’re the victim, I don’t think night vision goggles are the way to go. It just throws in this unnecessary element of Steven Seagal-like recklessness. Regardless of circumstance, it’s kinda hard to earn sympathy when you’re equipped with night vision goggles and a fox urine-filled squirt gun, yknow? You’re on some SOCOM: U.S. Navy Seals meets Curious Case of Benjamin Button shit, dun. But whatevs. I’m willing to let that covert op slide, especially since reports indicate that there were 15-20 kids tp-ing his house. There is obviously some hidden vendetta subplot that we’re missing here.

2) How did this dude get charged with misdemeanor assault? Did these kids actually report him? As in, did these kids actually go to the cops and report that a 50 year old attacked them while they were in fact tp-ing his house? There’s all kinds of snitching going on here. How did these kids just snitch on their own property damaging asses, and get away scot free? Maybe its one of those confidential, cut-a-deal-with-the-D.A type confessions. Hmm.

3) Now, the article’s pretty precise with the squirt gun details - Wagner reveals that that he filled the soaker with 1/3s fox urine and the rest with water, coz “it stinks but it doesn't hurt anything.” Considerate fellow, no? OKKK, now for the main concern that this super-detailed report didn’t cover: Where the fuck did he get fox urine from??? This unanswered question resulted in me having all kinds of horrific visions –Mostly consisting of this dude trapping foxes in his private dungeon and torturing them till he extracted their urine. But then I googled ‘fox urine’ (
oh yes, I did), and came to learn that you can actually buy this stuff in stores - they apparently serve as good repellents against critters. So I was like cool cool, I can dig that. But then I was like, hey waitaminute. Where the fuck do these stores get bottled fox urine from? No, seriously. Just try and give me a rational answer that explains how stores get a hold of large volumes of fox urine. Without using the words molest. I’ll wait. *Turns on teletoon, No Spongebob, Turns off teletoon*

I’m obviously intrigued by the advancement of the Urine Revolution, but I don’t think I’m totally comfortable living in a world where foxes are harvested for their urine. Can I get a
witness?

Friday, December 12, 2008

WALL-E to KANY-E: Stop Swaggerjacking

Why, Kany-e, Why?

Sorry for the lateness of this post y'all, but my girl Ev-e just put m-e on to this. So apparently, the music world's currently being dominated by some cat named Kany-e West, with the releas-e of his latest album, "808s & Heartbreaks." You know, I'm not programmed to sugar coat my shit, so here goes: Stop swaggerjacking my steez, Kany-e.

Why does the biggest rapper on the planet feel the need to jock my fresh? I mean, come on, L-V Don. 808s? Stop binary code baiting m-e, dud-e. Seriously. Nevermind that the whol-e album's based on jocking my vocal styl-e via autotun-e. I can learn to liv-e with that. But releasing a piec-e of art that prominently sheds the spotlight on personal heartbreak? That's just crossing the lin-e, man. Hmm, robotic meditations on love and loneliness - where have I seen that before?
Oh wait. You gonna pretend like you've never seen my autobiographical documentary befor-e? Huh, Kany-e? Seriously dun, you don't want none of this drama. I ain't gonna snitch to no robocops, but you better stop it now. Drop it, Ok? You're just a spoiled little LA girl. M-e, I'm major.

Man, this is why I stay locked up in my recycling studio. The real world just keeps stressing m-e. I'm not calling for no beef, just telling it like I see it. I just had to respond.

Peac-e,
WALL-E

P.S My homi-e just informed m-e that Kany-e's already released a diss track in respons-e to my rant, where he refers to m-e as a retarded, 'Late Registration' robot. Is this dud-e asking to be e-thered out of existenc-e? Watch your mouth or this is gonna end up worse than a 2-Pac vs Biggi-E showdown, son. Out here-e, w-e go hard.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mindfuck Manifesto: 'Kiss of Deaf'

Just a visual approximation

Now I know some of you really hate it when people smack their lips too loudly while eating. Well, stop complaining hater. Read on.

Chinese Girl gets 'Kiss of Deaf'

No, this isn't promo for Jadakiss' Def Jam debut. And yeah, this dude apparently rendered his girlfriend deaf by kissing her. Uh, ummmm. I think we'll need a moment for this one, Trebek. *Jeopardy theme plays* dendendenden dendenden dendenden dendendenden, doot doodoo doot, Doot.Doot.Doot. Umm, what is WTF, Alex?

How do you manage to kiss someone deaf? I mean, I've heard of fucking someone's brains out, but their ear drums? Hold up. Well, I can sorta understand the idea of someone screaming really, really loud during sex. Maybe you have a Tarzan fetish going on, and your orgasmic shriek is extra-triumphant. But still, even then. If you scream loud enough to paralyze your partner's ear drums, you are either a) really, really satisfied b) really really pleased with your own performance. *Football roar* YAAAAAAAAH HIGH FIVE

But this? "A young woman in southern China has partially lost her hearing after her boyfriend ruptured her eardrum during an excessively passionate kiss" Excessively passionate??? *Blinks furiously* WHAT?? Was she sleeping with DJ Khaled (Listeeeennnn, We the Bessst! We
Go Hard!)?? How loud can a kiss get? Seriously, go ahead, try it. Your loudest, squeakiest kiss. I'll wait.

The doctor's diagnosis sheds some light: "The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear" This guy essentially sucked her eardrum out through her mouth. Muhfucka, where are your manners? This isn't your last cup of Ramen noodles! Dude must have been slurping hard. Like he was desperately cleaning out the last few droplets of a delicious cup of iced cappuchino. Is he some next level specialty vaccuum? A human Hoover? I hope so, coz I really need something to suck all the pesky hard-to-get flakes in my keyboard. Actually no, this dude would probably short circuit my CPU.

Sure, the diagnosis does help clear matters a bit, but it really doesn't help clear the disgusted, confused look off of your face, does it? I still don't really get how this took place, but apparently this
isn't a one-of-a-kind occurence.

So yeah, don't say I didn't warn you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: Crystal Stilts' 'Converging in the Quiet'



OKKK, I know what you're gonna say: Why is Swangerrr turning into such a sausagefest, bro? What's with assaulting everyone's senses with all this aggressive hip hop and heavy metal? Where's the romance?

Here you are all dressed in spiffy tuxedos & dazzling evening gowns, and here I am in no-name sweat pants. You probably assumed I got dinner reservations too, right? Welllll, my back pocket's got Mapquest directions to the nearest MacDonalds. And two $1-off coupons with your name on it (Tah-dah!). Disappointed? Well, don't act like you're surprised. Sheeit, you know how bad I am with all this serenading crap.

But hey, wait, wait, wait. All is not lost. Its never too late. This is for those who want to ballroom dance @ the apocalypse.

P.S Props to Fresh Cherries for the reminder on this album.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: Genghis Tron's 'Board Up The House'



Props to Geekdown’s ‘Rethinking 2008’ post for reminding me about Genghis Tron’s ‘Board up the House.' I’ve quickly sampled the record twice, and although it doesn’t sound like it’ll stack up against Krallice & Origin’s latest releases, it’ll do just fine for now. This is obviously the album’s title track. The synths on this track are a personal fave; they actually work throughout the record without being corny.

Now you’re telling me: dude yousafool, what took you so long to listen to this record? Well funny story, I just never recovered from the reviews this record got. See, since this band’s blending all these IDM/electro sounds with metal & grindcore, critics had to be extra-snappy with their genre classifications. My favourite critic-invented description of their sound was “cyber-grind.” Now, its not that cybergrind’s a particularly bad label to describe the electronics-laced metal sound Genghis Tron’s got going on. It’s just that ‘cybergrind’ always gives me this mental image of well...youuuuuuuuuuknow... robots dirty dancing. Am I right or am I right? Cybergrind’s obviously a pre-mating robo-ritual. Come the weekend, out goes the programming directives, in comes the binary code gangbangs. I imagine all the machines get in on this cybergrind orgy. The moment us humans turn off the lights, these robots let their freak flag fly. Shit probably gets real nasty.

You notice how you every morning you find strange stains in your microwave? Oh yeaaah dudes, that wasn’t last night’s pasta, that’s just the remnants of a wild night of cybergrind. Better wipe that robo-skeet off before you heat your next Pizza Pop. Trust me on this one.

There is also another related reason I can’t be completely comfortable listening to Genghis Tron. Personally, the term ‘cybergrind’ vividly brings to life the image of Rosie (the robot maid from the Jetsons) performing an incredibly erotic dutty wine. Oh please. Do not front and pretend like you wouldn’t tap that titanium. Those love handles were built to last, dun. Like, damn.

Now where was I? Right, right Genghis Tron. This song’s dope.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Common's 'Gladiator'

How the new album came into existence



Don't believe the hype. The new Common album, 'Universal Mind Control' isn't a thoroughly enjoyable trainwreck. This shit is just offensively forgettable. I can't even easily come up with a list of fabulously lame one liners from this lame duck album. There is nothing as silly & astoundingly amusing as "Broads say are you a philosopher? Yeah Yeah, I'll philosophi- on top of ya." Insert sad face emoticon.

I know I'm kinda late, but I just wanted to point of a few things that haven't been mentioned in the reviews for this album. Primarily about the insight dropped on the lyrical exercize, 'Gladiator', one of the few decent tracks on this abortion of a record. This track attempts to one-up DocZeus' hilarious letter, as Common's own subconscious seems to be warning him about the disaster the album's gonna be. Com, didn't Erykah tell you anything about your third eye?

Please note the following lines off of 'Gladiator'

1) Like Jacob Jewel, I keep clientele - Jacob's clientele is about to disappear like your fanbase, fam.

2) The warrior archetype, like Kimbo Slice - Yikes @ the timing. Man, if we're gonna use mixed martial arts metaphors, you should know that it
only takes a second. One bad move and you're down for the count.

3) Defeat your whole army, like 'This is Sparta' - Umm dude, as valiant as those semi-nude spartans looked, you know they lost right?

4) Pay homage to the rap Ziggy Stardust - Word? Yknow in the plot of Ziggy Stardust, there's a song called Rock n Roll suicide, right? One where Ziggy dies on stage? Thats how it ends, holmes.

You know what the rest of this party-oriented album sounds like? Its like that time. Remember that time? When your old ass uncle attended your cousin's wedding? Remember when the DJ played Billie Jean? Remember how he shoved you guys out of the way and got on the dance floor? Remember how he was like "Man, I can get down with the best of 'em" ? Remember how he then rolled up his sleeve and got down on the floor to do The Worm? Remember how he only managed one wave before he violently crashed his balls on the dancefloor? Remember? Yeaaaaah, that time.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Anal-ytical Appreciation: The Killers' 'Human'

Guess which one just farted



So this song’s slightly old, but it’s screaming for a blog post. Full disclosure: I’m not really much of a Killers fan. But whatevs, I like this song. A few thoughts

1) Without a doubt, the most compelling thing about this song is its chorus. In particular, the badass refrain “Are we Human, or Are we Dancer?” Journalists and fans alike are
flipping their lids over this line. Everyone’s going: wtf do you mean ‘are we dancer’? How are we dancer? Shouldn’t it be “are we dancers”? There’s a good chunk of people who are passionately arguing that he’s saying “are we denser?” As evidenced by the youtube comments section (always a dependable spot for hilarity), there also seems to be a chunk who are arguing that ‘dancer’ is right in the context, coz it’s in line with the singular word ‘human.’ Reading these kinds of reviews is a total LOLercoaster ride. I don’t recall the last time pop fans got their panties in such a terrible twist – All this over the necessity of consistent grammar, dukes? I obviously believe that this is a brilliant marketing move. There’s no way you leave an obvious error like that without knowing that you’ll ruffle some feathers and create some buzz in the process. It’s not like it’s an inadvertent instant messaging typo. Lead singer Brandon Flowers stands behind the quote, and jokes about the backlash, so you get the impression that he’s always been fully aware and ready for the line's ramifications.

As you’ve probably heard, the line “Are we Human or Are we Dancer?” is a Hunter S. Thompson-inspired quote. Its apparently based on a disparaging remark that Thompson made coz he felt that “
America was raising a generation of dancers” – Yknow, probably a comment on the ever-evolving pussification of Western culture. (So yeah, there’s goes your dream of having a Thompson vs. Geraldo Rivera showdown on Dancing with the Stars). Though a few of Brandon’s quotes seem to hint that he shares Thompson’s sentiment, he has not been super-explicit about it (Its probably quite hard to comment on the emasculation of society when you’re singing and wearing mascara)

2) Now you might ask yourself, how do we answer such a profound question? How do we find out if someone’s a human or a dancer? Well, the rest of Brandon’s chorus
mentions “And I'm on my knees, looking for the answer” Wowowow dude easy there, you don’t have to sink that low to get an answer. I’m curious too, but I can’t co-sign oral sex for enlightenment. Yeesh.

3) This song’s pretty catchy, and the whole tribal drum deal makes it danceable dammit! So, my obvious question is: are the Killers paying mind games with their audience? Are they mocking dancers with a dance song? Is this a test of faith to see if you are actually a dancer? How do concert goers react to this song? Do they just stand there and mimic Brandon’s super-suave hip and shoulder swivels? Do the Killers make their live rendition of this song extra catchy so as to expose the lame dancers who cannot control their nerves?

4) Does Fat Joe approve of this song? Fat Joe’s
‘Lean Back’ is presumably the first track to salute Thompson’s dancer hate. Isn’t Fat Joe’s “My niggas don’t dance, we just pull up our pants, and do the rock-away” chorus much more resolute in its anti-dance stance? Does he think the Killers are biters? Would you rather be in a group called The Killers or one named Terror Squad?

5) I’ve always been of the impression that a) the Killer’s first record was a tame hop-along on the 80s revival bandwagon and b) the Springsteen steez on Sam’s Town, their second record, was worth paying attention to. Now that I think of it, it’s not like I was really objective about their musical output. I just liked their outfits better the second time around.

6) My interest in the Killers is also apparently inversely proportional to the length of Brandon Flowers’
borderline-Hitler moustache. He has sadly decided to part ways with this fantastic piece of facial hair this time around. Le sigh. On the ahem brightside though, he has decided to decorate his jacket shoulders with bird carcasses. Fuck the haters, the fluttering feather-swag is a good look, son!

7) Why do we have friends? Why you do we feel the need to share our thoughts with the rest of the world? What do we gain from conversation? Are we human or are we blogger?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: G-Side's 'Strictly Buzinezz'

Sports Jerseys - Surprisingly unfashionable in space too




The new G-side album, 'Starshipz & Rocketz', is actually a really nice surprise. Seems like its gonna get shunned in the wake of the rap blogosphere going nuts over 2 big name, reinvention-themed albums - the kanye album (which is being heralded as this brave, futuristic leap), and the common album (which is being scorched as this ferocious, futuristic mess).

Unlike those two, this record's not at all shy about its space-hop agenda. It openly embraces it. The production’s uber-glossy. Space age street talk is not uncommon. The album’s called “Starshipz and Rocketz” for god's sake (Btw, is the 'replacing-the-lame-s-with-the-cool-z' trend making a comeback? I only azk coz I iz curiouz)

Don’t get your hopes too high though. While space age lyricism has its place, this is far, far from its brightest moment. The rappers are severely meh, serving more so as non-threatening props in this production showcase. “I mean business, business as usual / I know you hating & bitch the feeling is mutual” counts as memorable in these dire circumstances. Ditto re: "Me, I'm a libra, more stripes than a zebra/ my mother died the day after Aaliyah." Yurp, lots to sigh about. If you remember any lines, that is.

The production (Block Beataz?) picks up the slack though. This particular beat's on some basic, fly, twilight-zone ish. (About 3/4s of the whole album is, actually)

Are you resentful of today? Fantasizing of a fantastic tomorrow?

Well, drop the dutchie. Invest in a spaceship instead. Now get lifted.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: Janet Jackson's 'Go Deep'



What’re you waiting for? Jeez Louise, just press play! C’mon dudes, take a chance, lend you ears. Sure, it’s a throwback, but the tune’s top notch. What? You’re in a hurry? What d’you mean you have to go home? Now?? Is it that urgent? Oh really? You gotta go upload a new Facebook profile pic ? And it can't wait? All I asked for was a moment of your time! That’s luxury you can afford, amigos. You’re seriously gonna front on a Janet Jackson jam?? Whatever. I see how it is.

See, this is exactly why you’re unhappy.

This is why your farts are extra-lethal. This is why they always lie to you. This is why they bully you at school. This is why your significant other met someone else aka This is why its not you, its them. This is why even telemarketers don’t bother calling you. This is why you cry yourself to sleep listening to Coldplay records. This is why you’re ironic. This is why you love travelling aka This is why you always wanna get the hell outta wherever you are. This is why you’re always sarcastic. This is why you have easily-irritable bowels. This is why people yawn at your house parties. This is why you’re always hating stuff. This is why you’re always overanalyzing shit. This is why you talk about life. This is why you think about death.

This is why you’ve always been deeply unsatisfied.

Coz you never learned to uncross your arms. Coz you never bothered to press play.

Hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink. Press play. Now sway sway. I'll wait.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: Viktor Vaughn's 'Never Dead'


Never Dead - Viktor Vaughn feat. Curtis Strifer



I really like this song. Let me explain why.

(Full disclosure: I’m a rabid MF Doom fan. The only reason I don’t call myself a stan is coz I’m not a completist with regards to his catalogue – I’m not particularly interested in getting his Special Herbs Instrumental sets. I’m a lyrics-head at heart, so Doom as a producer is not something I’m fiendin’ for. )

‘Never Dead’ is one of my fave joints off 'Vaudeville Villain' (Doom's second solo album, which he released under the moniker of Viktor Vaughn). Not surprising, since Doom's catalogue is chock full of great collabos (Ahem collabos, as in two emcees in the same booth, feeding off each other verses, as opposed to artists recording shit @ home and hitting send on their iphone. Emoticons @ the end of your attachments don’t constitute a collaboration, dudes). This particular track is a collaboration with M. Sayyid (of Anti Pop Consortium), who appears here under the moniker of Curtis Strifer. So if you’re keeping track, this is basically MF Doom (real name Daniel Dumile) as Viktor Vaughn featuring M. Sayyid as Curtis Strifer – Clearly, this is shamelessly pandering to schizophrenic, rap fanatics (Schizos are an extra-small, ultra niche audience sure, but if you take all their split personalities into account, this base is ‘MTV Teen Choice Awards’ big).

Speaking of split personalities, the beat’s all 'Dr-Jekyll-on-the-brink-of-turning-into-Mr. Hyde' evil. Both emcees clearly recognize this and bring their A-game here. As for the lyrics ..well as far as I can tell, its this high school narrative about young Doom out to hurt the 9th graders who stole his Donkey Kong Game. Seriously. I swear.

And as far as the conclusion goes, based on Doom’s last verse, I get the impression that he gets away with shooting the aforementioned Donkey Kong bandits (“There's no finer sound than when you let off a nine round / Before the slug find the ground, V be in Chinatown”).

Now, you’re thinking: Dude! This is High School Musical, with blood splatter! This cannot get any more awesome.

But then shit gets weird.

Well in all fairness, shit has always been weird in this track. Most notably, while Doom’s been pretty reasonable in sticking to this wonderful 9th grade vendetta, Curtis Strifer has been much more loose with the storyline– he’s been soaking his spit with some majorly surrealistic imagery. How surreal? Well, lets just say that dude’s first verse starts out with the lines:

Curt Strifer, the loon goon with the tunes in his tomb
Hotter than june/since had a twisted crib into he fumes
Kids trip on his broom/press twills for schills, shag with the halfmoon


So right off the bat, you know someone’s spiked the kool-aid.

The strangest part is that the tail end of Doom’s last verse, starts to blend in with Strifer’s voodoo jazz - Right after discussing his on-the-run exploits post-shooting the annoying videogame robbers, he starts talking about being in some 'hood black market,' where we encounter this random wizard-like dude ("
I watched him freeze roaches and bring 'em straight back to life /he used a different approach than I ever read /the only thing he ever said was 'the roach is never dead' ")

Word? Like, WTF is going on? Am I missing something here? Is this shit a Luis Bunuel script? My interpretation is that after Doom shoots his targets, he realizes that shit is a mess, and therefore looks toward a wizard to make things right. This is the most reasonable conclusion I have come up with.

So like me, you’re thinking: this has been, for the most part, a great track with a fun storyline, but shit got wonky towards the end and I need closure. I mean, who is this random dude who brings dead roaches back to life? Why are 9th graders so unstable?

Don't despair. Strifer's got one last verse and that should tie up the loose ends. He'll provide us with some much needed clarity, I'm sure.

Enter the song's last verse, courtesy Strifer.

And that was science for the head /so we did the knowledge
and sped to the shed / mixin dog bone with egg
(*Sidenote: Feel free to slap yourself for expecting logical closure*)
It says : Add body hair, the heart of a hen,
a fig, lay it under the bed will turn back time
and thats just what we did
next day walked in the school from the crib laughing,

yo limpin like a cane / and as I pass V

Viktor Vaughn : Yo c, you see I got my game, right?


And that’s how the song ends. Viktor gets his game back. So I guess it’s a happy ending after all. Just another typical story about having your donkey kong game stolen, executing vengeance on the robbers responsible for this, and aligning yourself w/ a roach-freezing, witch doctor. All this before time travelling with your looney friend, back to your peaceful past.

Can we get a mini series, HBO? Pitch it as Prison Break on PCP. I'm in.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

P.I.F.F - Bangladesh Anthology

Coolio called

Bangladesh Crawford – Anthology

One of my compadres just sent me the above link – It’s a fairly comprehensive compilation of record producer Bangladesh’s work. Wait before you click download, damnit. *slaps your wrist* Let us say grace first, childrens. Praise be to our internet cable provider. Amen. K, go ahead now.

The very first time I paid attention to Bangladesh’s production was when
Kelis’ ‘Bossy’ came out – The track fared reasonably well on the charts as you may recall, but it didn’t quite blow the fuck up into crossover consciousness. Surprising, since it has ‘Umbrella’-level, stadium status written all over it. Sidenote: On the gossip & controversy tip (Excuse me while I get my Mary Hart on) - A really interesting tidbit about ‘Bossy’ that wasn’t addressed anywhere (as far as I know ) was how this song seemed like Kelis’ rebuttal to 50 Cent’s “Piggy Bank”; a diss track that included a blatant dart thrown at Nas’ way. In case you've forgotten, Piggy Bank included the LOLarious lines: “Kelis said her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard/Then Nas went and tattooed the bitch on his arm.” Well, Bossy’s defiant chorus goes like this: “That’s right, I brought all the boys to the yard/ And that’s right, I’m the one that’s tattooed on his arm / I’m bossy / I’m the bitch you love to hate / I’m the chick that’s raised the stakes” Are you gonna pretend like this is all a coincidence?? Umm, ring, ring HELLOOOOO friend-o? Why was this never a topic of discussion? Had Jive been enterprising enough to sell this retaliation angle, her album may have moved a few more units. Maybe Kelis would still be here. Making records, as opposed to designing high heels with Ashanti.

Anyways, despite loving 'Bossy', I didn’t bother digging any further into Bangladesh’s catalogue, coz frankly I didn’t think he had one - for some strange reason I assumed he was this new kid on the block who just hit it big, right from the get go. So every few months after Bossy, when the next Bangladesh sleeper-single dropped on blogs, I actually assumed I was in the loop on his output. Then ‘
A Millie’ inexplicably exploded on the scene like a ch-ch-ch-chopper (notably without the Almighty Power of Allah). With this newfound exposure (i.e industry buzz & a fan base that, at the very least, includes your Sister, Brother, Son, Daughter, Father and a motherfucking copper), I’m assuming his star’s gonna shine brighter in the near future.

Hey, remember how I mentioned having this silly idea that Bangladesh was just getting his industry feet wet with ‘Bossy’? Well, this anthology puts my dumbass assumptions to shame. Like, did you know he produced a whole bunch of joints on 8Ball & MJG’s Living Legends album? That he has production credits on Ludacris’ first two albums, including ‘What’s your Fantasy’??? Well I didn’t. In my defense though, I am semi-retarded.

Regardless, for the bored and curious, this be that P.I.F.F. As in, Pay It Forward, Foo’

P.S About naming this segment, Pay It Forward, Foo’ – I’m merely taking back what’s mine. You know the main social experiment premise of the movie,
Pay it Forward ? Well I had that idea first – I actually publicly discussed a variation of it during an elocution competition in Grade 7. Despite the fact that my speech was clearly ahead of its time, I only won 3rd place. (I believe the judges discriminated against me because I was semi-retarded. Also, what the heck, I’ll accuse them of racism too. And molesting me) Grrrrr. I try to close my eyes and forgive Haley Joel Osment for usurping my limelight, but all I see is dead people.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Mindfuck Manifesto: Pregnant Man


Who is your daddy & what does he do?

Caveat: This is a barely-edited, think out loud post. Effort is for amateurs. Tell ‘em, Dedication 3.

This story dropped a few weeks ago, so you're probably familiar with it - It’s the
man gets pregnant story of 08. I'm assuming it got heavy burn all across hungry news networks around the globe. Call me a schizo if you must, but I think the streets is talking. As per usual though, I’m slightly miffed that they’re missing the finer details. Everyone’s obviously just absorbing the superficial wow factor in well, a man getting pregnant. Many of you probably dismissed the story coz these Junior-type urban legends seem to get unravelled as hoaxes every two years or so. But the shock-and-awe headline’s just a herring, holmes. If you dig just a tad bit deeper into the story you realize that this dude, Mr Thomas Beatie was actually a dudette - As was the case with the last real pregnant man story, he/ she is a "transgendered person, born female, who had his outward features medically altered to achieve a more masculine appearance but kept his reproductive organs intact." I’ve heard news networks claim that he got pregnant by artificial insemination, but I personally think this is just him/her covering up for the actual man who impregnated him/her.

And yes, that is the part of the story, I think everyone's missing - THE OTHER MAN. dun dun dun. Scroll with me, shawty.

1) Before we get into the false premise of the OTHER MAN conspiracy that I believe in, let's discuss the issue of how we’re gonna refer to Mr/ Mrs Beatie- Now, a close friend of mine refers to him/her as 'the lesbian' – She chooses to believe that women who want to be men are essentially lesbians. Makes sense, right? But I have a problem with the simplistic 'the lesbian' label. He/she’s sexual orientation and preference has never been explicitly specified in the article. Now keeping in mind the fact that he/she is originally a woman - It could very well be that Beatie is not a lesbian; she is merely a straight woman who just happens to want to be a man. So, even with a man's appearance, she is a straight woman who wants to do other men. (Which would make her gay as a man, mind you.) As you can see, nomenclature and categorization is clearly a problem, so I'm gonna stick with 'he/she' for now. And to suit my next point, lets assume that he/she is a lesbian aka a she with he-like tendencies and preferences.

2) Now to the unlikely conspiracy I believe in – the OTHER MAN of the story. Now I’m not interested in exploring the other man’s responsibility as a father (It'd be worth examining the story in this light though, especially since there's been this recent trend of men being more vocal about questioning their role and rights with regards to birth of a child. Pretty thorny issue really, especially since it’s tacitly connected to the issue of abortion and the women’s rights movement. Not going there dudes. I’ma do the MC Hammer running man, if you don’t mind. Can’t touch this.)

To clarify I call the man, that according to me allegedly impregnated he/she, ‘the other man’, coz I'm keeping my mind open to the possibility that he/she is sort of a man right now (albeit one who’s soon to become a mother). If we are to buy the premise that he/she in his/her route to become a man, he/she likely resembles a man now- and this means that the man who slept with he/she must have been gay. And that’s the premise I’m most interested in- Coz this other man was probably just looking for a harmless fling. A wham-bham-thank-you-man, booty call. Its not like his rendezvous with another man would yield a baby right? But then BAM! He gets hit with the news that the dude he slept with is pregnant. I'd like to see the look on his face when he gets the news. Kodak moments to cherish, my friends.

I guess what I’m most fascinated by is the whole gender-defying territory that a transgendered individual occupies. It’s like bye, bye binary codes of sexuality. I mean it’s easy for us to hate gays - they are dudes who like to get jiggy with other dudes - but this story is just weird.
He/she is in a happy relationship his wife, and is currently expecting a second child. How do you discriminate against that which you can’t quantify? How do you efficiently hate something that you can't place in a proper category of contempt? Man, godhatesfags.com must be so goddamned confuzzled right now. Nicely done, he/she!

I totally understand if some of you think this post was a waste of your time. Just thought I’d point out a mindfuck
to marvel at. Just some fast food for thought.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Mindfuck Manifesto: Urine - A Revolution

Duchamp does not play, Dada

If you pick up a newspaper these days, chances are pretty high that you’ll come across a story mourning the state of the world. But know what ? no worries - the world has always had its doomsday criers. The human spirit is nothing if not resilient. In fact, some of mankind’s brightest ideas have arguably come from its darkest times. So, as the world undergoes a seemingly startling amount of political, social & economic turmoil, you have to ask yourself, what kind of exciting cultural movements have been gaining steam? What fiesty feats of creativity will mankind achieve in these dark days?

Ladies and gents, if I may have a few seconds of your time, I'd like to give you the Urine Revolution. What? Thats the most stupid thing you've heard in your life, you say? There’s no such thing as a social movement for the upheaval of urine visibility, you yell?

Well naysayer feast your eyes on merely a few, urine-related stories that have recently leaked into the press

1)
Urine therapy - Well, this isn't so much a recent newstory as much as it is a public service reminder regarding the subversive artform of Urine therapy. To quote wikipedia, urine therapy pertains to "applications of human urine for medicinal or cosmetic purposes, including drinking of one's own urine and massaging one's skin with one's own urine." I don't have much to add, but feel free to read more about this rarely publicized practice @ your own leisure.

2)
R Kelly brings Urine to the headlines– The Pied Piper pisses his pipes all over a prepubescent girl. The golden shower that was all over the news. We might have hastily judged Kellz as a pedophile and a freak-a-leak, but you might wanna start thinking of him as an innovator, a trailblazer, maybe even a martyr for his cause. Admonished for taking a stand. The Real Master P. The Martin Luther King of Urine Facial Activism. He had a (wet) dream.

3)
Civilians pissing on law enforcement – Stories of cops abusing their power is nothing new, but civilians finally exercising their inalienable right to piss in protest certainly is- With the increased level of homelessness in the world today, piss protests seem poised to be the new wave of anarchist expression.

4)
Astronauts to drink purified piss on space shuttle – Yes, you read right. NASA has developed a method to "process the crew's urine for communal consumption." All I'm sayin' is, that space shuttle's gonna have some seriously odd water cooler conversations. Mmmm minty, Is this your work, Johnson? You little dog you.

These are just a handful of headlines holmes, a cursory google search is recommended for the cautiously curious.

But remember folks, not all that glitters is gold. The path towards acheiving mainstream acceptance for Urine is an
ardous one; a sloppy, slippery slope unlike any other.

So until we all get there. Keep the faith and
hold on strong.

P.S Bonus: The Internets Celebrities take you to school on the subversive art of leaks

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Haggard Makes Headlines Again

Make a stripper fall in love, T-Pain on them hoes

Cringe @ the title if you must, but ALL blowjob innuendos seem like winners to me.

In case you aren’t up to speed on the Ted Haggard story until now, here’s a snappy recap: Famed, influential evangelical preacher, gets caught in a sex scandal with a male prostitute. Played-out tale of a fallen angel. Yknow, whatevs, another day, another dollar.

But now Ted Haggard’s back in the news again – Yesterday, he came out with
remarks about how he was abused as a child and how its had a lasting impact on him.

Obviously, with Prop 8 just being passed, the back room banter and the front yard protests surrounding gay rights is getting louder. I personally don’t have any special comments to make about this complex issue (well, at least not any that’ll enlighten any of you). But I guess Ted had to come out w/ an explanation about how he was lured into the ‘sin’ of homosexuality. Yknow, lest you think he was responsible for his actions.

Now before we take sides on this issue, can we all take a second to give a big shout out to beautiful, baby Jesus? Even in this time of mental, spiritual, and economic meltdown, JC takes the time to hallelujah hollaback with delightfully hilarious news stories such as this. Jesus, much like the Joker, just wants to put a smile on that face. Well, may your will be done, blessed baby Jesus. Amen. K, brothers and sisters, for today’s sermon, please turn your cursors to the Haggard parables from the Good Book of Google. We will be meditating on a few of its highlights.

1) If you’re a rap fan, your eyes should have already grabbed the name of the manho named in the Haggard Scandal – Mike Jones. Who?
Mike Jaaaaaaawnes. Who? Mike Jaaaaaaaawwwnnnes. Poor dude never gets a break. First Trae, now this. Hey, if it was in fact Ice Age’s Mike Jones, then fair-weather Houston rap fans should be glad – apparently, customers is still tippin’

2) Snap your fingers, now do a step. Man ho Mike Jones’ got attitude y’all.
This is his olive branch to Ted: “I wish him well. I wish his family well. My intent was never to destroy his family. My intent was to expose a hypocrite.” My LOLmeter’s on swoll.

3)
On the aftermath of being Jacksonned, by one of his father’s employees, @ the age of 7: “Haggard said he later became "a conservative Republican, loving the word of God, an evangelical, born-again, spirit-filled, charismatic, all those things.” Hmmmkay. On one hand, I love people who refer to themselves as charismatic. On the other, this isn’t the greatest pitch to spread the gospel. Hey y’all, I was abused at 7 by my daddy’s friend. This led to me being a successful Republican church leader. You can do it too. With just 5 easy payments of..…

4)
On his family: “My wife - all my sin and shame fell on her.” Yeah sure Ted, it was the shame that hurt. Also mofo, I believe the problem was that your sin didn’t fall on her. You spilled it all over Mike Jones, remember? (Who? Mike Jawwwwnes Who? Mike Jaaawwwnes. Good God, I. cant. stop. That chant is pure crack)

5)
Regarding his meth-use allegations: “I never kept it very long because it was wrong. I was tempted. I bought it. But I never used it.” And you thought Bill Clinton’s ‘never inhaled’ line was tits. Ted, dude, I get it, I use the same line when someone asks me about the Silhouette yogurt packs in my desk drawer. Doubt they buy the excuse, though. (Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away in a church near you. “Phhhew, my pastor’s merely purchasing meth from a man ho. Glad that’s settled”)

6)
Unnecessary News Detail Winner: “In the message, Haggard revealed that he and his wife, Gayle, intend to leave Colorado Springs and pursue master’s degrees through online courses.” Ay Teddy, one love and all that jazz, but I really don’t care if you finally decided to pursue your deVry dreams.

7)
Minister Tim Ralph, on Haggard’s ‘sexual addiction’ counseling: "He is completely heterosexual," "That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Completely heterosexual, eh? Dang! Me, on the other hand? Only 50/50. Every now and then, I grab a strawberry dacari, curl back on the couch and black out on So You Think You Can Dance marathons. Ayo Haggard, being a 50-year-old who needs intensive three-week therapy to reassure himself that he’s straight? Not a good look, partner.

8) In light of this scandal, I’d like you to revisit the actual titles of two of
Ted’s bestselling books: “Dog Training, Fly Fishing, and Sharing Christ in the 21st Century” & “Taking It to the Streets” Really.

9) Finally, today, in Jokes That Write Themselves, Mr Haggard w/
an actual quote regarding the church and the scandal: “We consistently blow it, when those opportunities arise

Ahhh. God is good.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: Krallice's 'Wretched Wisdom'

Sudoku can be such a pain in the ass.


This song is such a delightful can of relentless whoop-ass. Since I’ve not been actively searching for new metal since the beginning of the year, it was pretty easy to ignore the slow but steady buzz Krallice has been building. But then I heard ‘Wretched Wisdom.’ Goddamn Vince McMahon, talk about laying the smackdown! There’s so much to like in here.
Pitchfork and Geekdown have great album reviews if you wanna get a better feel for the nuances that make Krallice really great. To an amateurish metal enthusiast like me, it just sounds great (Hey! metal nOObs are people too, ok?)

Just a quick warning note on the vocals by Mick Barr. Its..well..See yknow how metal has these typical, throaty ‘arrrrg-I’m-gonna-stab-you-in-your-face-and-bathe-in-your-blood’ shrieks? And then there’s the guttural ‘Listen-as-my-hungry-belllly-speaks-to-you-infidel’ growl? Nothing wrong with those per se, but the vocals on this record are on some other shit. It actually sounds like you’re overhearing a torture victim escape from captivity, making a run for their life in deserted landscape. Come to think of it, Barr’s vocals sound like its being chased by the ‘arrrrg-I'm-gonna-stab-you-in-your-face-and-bathe-in-your-blood’ shriek. It’s a hopeless is-anybody-out-there cry. Mangled devastation, yasmellme? No?

KK. Remember that weird scene in Casino Royale, where the arch villain is torturing James Bond by whipping some slingshot thingamajig at his balls? And how Bond’s all crazy-cool about it? Well if I were Bond in that situation, I would definitely be screaming like Barr.

Shit, guess I’m not really selling this review well, am I? Guess you'll have to listen to the track for yourself.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Jim Jones' Pop Champagne



Press play, player haters. Show some respect. Jimmy’s been in his dingy dungeon, valiantly trying to put that crack pipe down. Maury and 7th Heaven reruns have profoundly changed him - He doesn’t want to stay perpetually high, no lie, and you should know this. He’s been focusing his lack of talent on cooking up a worthy follow-up to his monster smash ‘Ballin’. Will he succeed? Or will he continue to stay in the one hit wonder league alongside the esteemed likes of Tatu, Vanilla Ice, and Bobby McFerrin?

Here’s my two (x 4) cents on the video:

1) How does Jimmy jump on a Ron Browz track, and then release it as a ‘Jim Jones featuring Ron Browz’ exclusive? Hmm. Must be one of his many trend-setting tactics. Don’t sleep on it. On a related note, the next house party I get invited to, I’m gonna go welcome the host - "Make yourselves at home, folks"

2) Speaking of Ron Browz, the hook is not too shabby. It’s got an interesting ‘grown-man-trying-to-make a-drunk-bellydancer-anthem’ feel.

3) The video, on the other hand, is just a Ballin’ Remix knockoff, with champagne replacing dollar bills. Another sad reminder of how bad the economy is doing – Rappers can’t even afford fake cash.

4) Jim Jones is a stunningly bad rapper. We all know this, but hearing his verse on this joint, will make you look around the room and say it out loud. You will then pause, shake your head, roll your eyes and emphatically yell: “Seriously

5) I know this is a really lazy, predictable cheapshot, but Jimmy’s hygiene is seriously on-route to becoming a documentary on the Discovery Channel (Voiceover: we know see Jimmy in his natural habitat. Watch closely as he proceeds to lick himself thoroughly to ward off predators). I mean, how does this man (even when cloaked in the brightest of brand names, in the most luxurious of locales) always manage to look like he needs a scrub-a-dub-dub? That ain’t a beard homey, that’s just dust mites. Forget Dame Dash, Jimmy needs to pal around w/ Bubble Bath. How ‘bout some swag splash with soap, son?

6) Why are Juelz’s eyes bulging so far out his out skull (gang?), @ the beginning of his verse? For someone who’s commanding girls to get naked, he sure doesn’t seem very excited about his prospects. Alarmed, maybe. It’s a frightened, getmeouttahere glare. I'm talking about a ‘nuh-uh-nana-don’t-make me-visit-grandada-again-he-likes-to-play-touch-touch-with-my-peepee’ glare. You get the feeling that he just realized that he was in a Jim Jones video.

7) Even the slowest of the slow understand the phallic symbolism behind popping champagne. You might not approve of hyper masculine rappers pouring a bottle’s overflowing contents all over scantily-clad women, but at least you get where they’re coming from, right? However, this video, in a surprising twist, is filled w/ dudes jizzing champagne all over themselves and each other (In ‘tight wet t-shirts,’ as Dallas pointed out) As for the finer details of this flamboyant fuckery - 1.36 secs into the video, you can catch Jones authoritatively spilling his champagne, and his boy cupping his hands in a desperate attempt to lap up every last drop of the golden shower. It’s basically like a homoerotic take on cheerleaders getting crunk in a carwash.

This display coupled w/ Juelz’s penchant for cascading silk scarves is clearly a blatant retort to critics who continue to associate rap with homophobia. Prop 8 just got passed in California and this is probably Jones & Co.’s way of protesting it.

8) I was expecting a ton of celebrity cameos, but all I got was Jimmy, Juelz, Mike Epps, and Busta Rhymes. Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Swagga Like Us- The Recession Edition'

I’m sure there is much that I’ve failed to appreciate, but that is all for now. Pick up the slack for me, won’t you please?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: Beyonce's 'Single Ladies'



Nobody’s talking about this song either, dudes. Are there such things as R&B Blogs? Coz maybe I’m looking in the wrong places. Suggestions are welcome. (I ain’t a music critic mon amis, I just think out loud often. I’m merely here to learn, and scream for joy every now and then) N-E-Ways. I ask about R&Blogs, coz I assume that they’d be creaming their collective crotch over tracks like this. I mean, rap blogs are usually all over joints where rappers spit over strange, off kilter beats. Not a surprise really. We’re all fiendin’ for that new-new.

Though I’ve never heard a Beyonce LP in its entirety, I’m familiar w/ her singles, and she’s been flirting with some pretty interesting choices lately. I guess I pay particular attention coz a) its beyonce and b) she doesn’t need to be doing this; she’s got the clout and the capital to be copping reliable, surefire pop hits. Mind you, she’s never shied away from taking the
safe route. But every now and then, Sasha spazzes and throws a curveball right at your testicles.

So, about this new joint. Bit of a ball breaker really. Sure, the vocal melody is a solid sing-along, but the beat? The beat’s all bloop-bleep-blorg-blurg - Atonal, cold and menacing. Interesting but totally unfriendly. You go against your gut instincts and try to befriend it, but it totally doesn’t submit to small talk. Not having any, no sir. You’re like, “Hey, nice day huh?” and it just shrugs and walks away. And you’re like “What a loser! *long pause* Why doesn’t it like me?”

And the video *wipes forehead* Whew…viewers, don’t forget your sunscreen. Forrealthough, the video’s in the same league as the beat – it’s on some she-is-legend, apocalyptic chorus line shit; Stepford Wives meets Dreamgirls meets B-girls in barren, desolate space. Did you notice the glittering gauntlet that Beyonce’s got on her right hand? Damn, is that how Jigga rolls these days? Forget about diamond engagement rings, platinum glove shackles are about to be all the rage next season. Seriously, talk about keeping your pimp hand strong. (Come to think of it, she probably used her iron fist to bitchslap Jay into writing this ballad) Oh-oh-o.

Anywaayys, maayyyne. It’s a good single. I don’t hear it often enough. At the very least, you need to put a ringtone on it.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: Q-Tip's Move



Q-Tip is hardly an obscure or overlooked artist, but I'm gonna present 'Move' as an underappreciated single. There's a plethora of reasons for doing so: Not too many people that I know are talking about it. I really haven't seen it on TV yet, despite its obvious pros. Its undoubtedly a great song and a club-ready jam, so there's no real excuse for shunning it. Oh and its produced by the legendary J Dilla. (Ugh, dear TTP or lupus or whatever disease it was that got Dilla killed: I hope you get violently raped during recess. I hope you get AIDs and that your best friends stop returning your phone calls. Hope that people switch their msn status to 'busy' or 'off to lunch' when you message them. Hope nobody even drops by your facebook page to say 'sup to your dying ass. Hope you die alone. I curse you with tons of dog poo on your tombstone. But I digress.)

But honestly though, the real reason I post this is coz Q-Tip's second verse starts with the following:

"Your dubious style may rock for right now
But in the long run, you really lost one
Jamaica, Queens, man - land of the tossed gun
Its never easy, police nah sees we"

Yowza. No matter how many times I slap rewind, those lines grab me. every. single. time. So much so that I don't like the Rik Cordero-directed video for the song - The
'Rock with you' throwback really doesn't do it for me coz I selfishly want the video to reflect the smack-you-silly-griminess of that second verse. Q-Tip performed the very same verse @ the BET Cypher this year, and I thought the basic, stark, black and white visual suited the verse much better.

Regardless, great single. Needs to mingle more with your playlists.

Off 'The Renaissance' - the long-awaited Q-Tip album that will most likely surpass your tired, low expectations. In stores November 4.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Youthful Indiscretion: The Foiled Obama Assasination

The (Almost) Assasination of Barack Obama by the Cowart-Schlesselman

I hate when old people talk derisively about my generation's work ethic. I just had a 'conversation' w/ this old dude on the bus about exactly that. I do not know why the old nostalgia-cs always sit next to me. And why the hate flows so easily out their pores. Good old days, rotten kids these days, recession, depression blah blah blah. I never really got into a full blown argument w/ him but I totally could have. I was being nice. But be easy, Mister Old Spice. No one on the corner has swagger like us.

Case in point: So you've probably heard about this, but these
two kids got caught planning a national killing spree - an ambitious endeavour that plotted the deaths of 88 black people, 14 of which were supposed to be beheadings – Ahem, please note the discipline, Mister. The killing spree was supposed to culminate with ..the assassination of Barack Obama (aka Change McCain can believe in). Umm sideline questions: I thought killing Obama was against the KKK's interests? Geez, why must bigots be soo indecisive? Also, since these kids were being so meticulous with the number and racial segregation of deaths and all, I must ask - does obama's death count as a point in the white or black death column? 50/50? Hmm. Whatever, math was never my strong suite anyway.

Anyways, Mr. Old-Ass Baby Boomer also kept bitching about how attention spans these days ranged from miniscule to non existent. *Yawn* Pssh Whatever player-hater. Attention to detail is key.

Firstly, peep the number of deaths planned. 88. Not 80, not 90, not a 100. Gone are the old days when mass murderers & natural disasters planned death tolls in large, predictably blase, well-rounded numbers. With the state of today's financial markets, we're getting inundated with similar, steadily-plummeting numbers - Knowing that they were competing in such a number-saturated environment, these self aware kids responded w/ an innovative, distinctive death toll. 88 in the year 2008. Brilliant. 88 its like ...ayyy, forget these multiples of 10, foo'. You also get the impression that they've got principles and limits. I mean, 88 they're down with, but 89 wowowowow slow down there homeslice, lets not get carried away here - Thts just crossing the line. (Update: so apparently, 88 and 14 have deep, symbolic significance in the white supremacist community. I wasn't aware. Apologies if I have offended anyone. But hey Mr, guess what? This proves that these kids had respect for tradition and culture as well. So hah!)

Also, speaking of work ethic and attention to detail, check out the gear, holmes: "Both individuals stated they would dress in all white tuxedos and wear top hats during the assassination attempt," the court complaint states." See the pre-80s babies might stop w/ a fly tuxedo, but today's generation knows that accessories are essential for the swag splash, swan song. So viola, icing on top: top hat. Put your jazz hands in the air and wave em like you just dont care. So, yeah, believe the ironic hipster hypebeast, mister. And fashion yourself forward, for the good, old days are over.

Oh and take cover, coz kids these days stay f-f-f-fresh to death.

P.S Dessert: in case your appetite growls for more.

P.P.S Christopher over at Fuck I Look Like? plans to celebrate his return w/ blogs about age in hip hop. Hopefully he will address the issue of annoying old people on the bus. Fingers crossed.

Monday, October 20, 2008

What's Beef? Politics as Usual

Joe the Plumber vs. Bob the Builder

Election Coverage. When Caricatures Collide. Place your bets and pick a side.

If you can spot the difference, that is.

Also, in case you missed it: Post the final presidential election debate, the roast at the Alfred E. Smith Charity Dinner. Surprisingly hilarious. Mud Slinging in a malice-free environment? Soo necessary.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Anal-ytical Appreciation: NKOTB's Single

Its rough on the suburban block

This song won't let go of the airwaves, so I had to say my peace.

How old is too old? Is it possible for old people to make exciting, new music? Or is the very nature of pop music based on the type of edgy exuberance and brashness that only comes with the excitement of youth?

OK, NKOTB '08 fans: I’ll take it slow. Step by Step. Let's set our feelings aside. Let’s talk numbers, shall we? A single number in fact: 1986. What’s it mean to you? I know, it hurts to remember that faaaaaaaaaaaaaar back, doesn’t it? For Christsakes, Jesus hadn’t even invented the internet yet! But, yes 1986 did happen once upon a long, looooong time.

1986: Reagan in the White House. Chernobyl and Iran Contra in the headlines. Cheers, Cosby Show, Murder She Wrote and the Golden Girls on primetime. The Karate Kid 2, Top Gun, and Ferris Beuller's Day Out in theatres. Yes,1986 - the year that NKOTB's debut album dropped.

Now that we’ve got a snippet of perspective. Fast forward to 22 years later. 2008. Old kids, new block. Now looka here, childrens, I'm not here to hate on your muhfucking old-ass uncles' attempts @ serenading the young, single girls of the world. Senior citizens have needs too. Economic policies addressing Social Security? On the fritz. The electricity bill for those old people scooters? Off the chain. Fuel consumption on those Cadillacs ? Ridonkulous. The price of Viagra & other pharmaceutical purchases ? Reeetarded. Its hard to hang in tough.

Yknow, there's a lot of people who think that the dire, chaotic state of today's world will result in great art - More specifically, art that denounces flamboyant posturing in favour of real, gritty meditations on life in the slow lane. ‘Single’ maybe one such example.

Y’all know that staying relevant is a vicious game. Soccer moms and trophy wives can only boost your self esteem for so long. It was just inevitable that these dudes would get reckless in their quest for fresh blood and bank. A desire for some new kids on the cock, if you will.

But here’s where the world-weary realism steps in. As opposed to the young R&B cats who promise you wedded bliss life-long or sexual satisfaction all-night long, the new kids are much more modest about their sexual potency. They just wanna keep the girls up… "until the song –
woah oh oh - goes off. "

So, girls you don’t gotta be alone. Single and more than ready to mingle? Get your bedspreads ready coz the New Kids get busy.

For 3 minutes and 55 seconds.

With a little bit of help from a black man.

Hmm.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Say No to Ear Dildos

White Supremacy

Another blast from recent Facebook past - I think it warrants a re-up since my complaints and concerns remain unsettled:

Pssst just between me and you, I really don't like earbuds. I know you might have seen me out with earbuds but that really dont mean shit. I mean it's not like I DESPISE earbuds, but I really dont like it either. I mean, a couple of years back if you'd asked me if I'd ever pick up a pair of earbuds, I'd be like "WTF?? DO I LOOK LIKE A BULIMIC HOOKER?!" But yknow, as we get older and lazier, I guess eventually we all stop being idealistic and decide to settle for something satisfactory. Compromises, concessions yada yada. Welcome to the World of Whatever. Population- Us.

But last week, while listening to a totally sah-weet J Dilla compilation, it hit me (Man you KNOW how hard his drums thump, right? Immediacy baby, it's a beautiful thing!) : I cannot stand these skinny, disposable earbuds, I need me some good headphones.

So I've decided to post a note to remind myself why:

1stly, My earbud strands, are denoted with an 'r' and 'l' respectively. I'm assuming this stands for right and left …which raises the age-old metaphysical question: whaaaa?? I mean they look the same, so umm what the point of this denotation? Either they assume I'm retarded (fair enough) or they think tht one of my ears is grotesquely different from the other and have as such, designed separate earbud strands for each one of my freakazoid ears. Eitherways, I resent it.

2ndly, These earbuds really aren't any fun. I mean..headphones hug you warmly before hitting you with that sweet sweet sound, but earbuds don't get down with that sorta foreplay – just straight up, muscle-spread, ear rape. No means no!

So there you go peoples, go get yourself some headphones. Its almost summer! Fuck buds, get head. You deserve it.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Loop Digga on the Loose

This Guy

Go! – Madlib featuring Guilty Simpson

A no-frills head nodder from the new Madlib record, 'WLIB AM: King of the Wig Flip'. I like it when Madlib reigns in his tree-smokin', envelope-pushin', horizon-rippin', space hop schtick and just gets straight down to business. Although he does have a reputation for making entire albums that tinker with abstract sounds and ideas, most of his records have at least a few heat rocks that are relatively linear and 'normal' .
As if he's reminding folks just how effortlessly he can cook up run-of-the-mill bangers. And how easily he could’ve switched his style up for a shot at fortune and fame. An 'AyoIgotthis-itsnuffin' to the naysayers, if you will.

I'm not gonna talk abt whether 'Go!' (with its 'Get your pistols/Launch your missiles/ Settle your issues/ I gotta feeling somebody's gonna die tonight' chorus) is on McCain's 'Grand Daddy Yankee' muxtape. But yes, you can!

Moving on.

In his 2nd verse on "Go", Guilty Simpson goes "You want lyrics? Try these fam / You a joke like Black Man, White Man & Chinese Man." Sure, you could say that last line’s meant to be a punchline, alluding to the 'a __ man, a ___man & and a ___enter a bar' joke template. But could it be something more? Is Guilty spitting racial commentary? Maybe as Obama's rising star continues to force American society to openly discuss its feelings about race in the 21st century, Guilty is commenting about the pointlessness of rigid racial definitions. Or, on the flipside, maybe Guilty is tooooootally racist and literally thinks whites, blacks and the chinese are a joke. (Latinos, Indians, and other miscellaneous Asians get a pass for undisclosed reasons). So: Guilty Simpson – Blatant racist? I certainly have no problems implying that... on the internet.

Anywho, more grimy raps over Madlib beats please.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Another Z-Ro Album: Hug Motivation 101 - Lets Get It

Not the new Lauryn Hill album

The new Z-Ro album ‘Crack’ - pretty good. Don’t sleep. Hop over to Suckapunk for a real review.

FYI, Z-Ro stans, don't be distraught by album reviews that talk abt Crack being 'upbeat'. Dude still raps like he needs a hug. "I smoke purple stuff alone in my room" certainly ain’t no 'Chicken Soup for the Gangsta Soul' ifyknowwhatImean. WHAT? You were expecting him to finally shake off the profound sorrow ingrained in his psyche? As if. At this point, I think we can safely bet tht even his rendition of 'Happy Birthday' will channel utter despair and disappointment. Shame on you, World – Look what you did to him!

Anyways, please support this man and give this record a shot, or Rap-A-Lot might never release his highly anticipated Christmas album "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell (My Life is Hell)." If the leaked street singles 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (Crack Aint Cool Remix)', 'Christ-mas (you test me?)' featuring DMX, and 'White Christmas (Let it Snow, Maaaan)' featuring Young Jeezy, are any indication, this might be the crossover record that finally catapults Z-Ro into mainstream rap stardom.

But until then. Z-Ro's Crack. In Stores Now.
Sample the Infinite Sadness.

Friday, September 26, 2008

The Sarah Palin Chronicles Vol 2: Hard Knock Wife

Storm Clouds Ahead

Since we are talking abt Sarah Palin, I just thought I’d mention this: Back when Mitt Romney looked like he had the Republican nomination on lock (This was late last year, during the Illinois Straw Poll, where he led all the Republican nominees with approx 40% of the support), I posted this long ass anti-Romney rant. Here’s an excerpt:

Why is this mofo called Mitt? Seriously, how more weirdly All- American can your name be? Mitt? Oven mitt? Baseball mitt? God I get it, Mitt! I don’t care how super competent or genuinely nice you are, if you are someone named Mitt, I will definitely not chill with you - If we were in high school , I would definitely not sit at the same lunch table with you. If it’s a really hot day and we were playing ball, I’d definitely not give you any of my Fruitopia. Even if a severely-dehydrated Mitt saved my life on that day, I’d only give him orange juice (But only with tons of pulp, coz I’m an asshole like that) Moving on…

From watching the Daily Show and frequently visiting mittromney.com, I know that duke has 5 sons who are basically “serving” their country by not fighting the righteous “war on terror” and instead traveling across America for their dad’s campaign. How admirable! These five brothers refer to themselves as umm the “Five Brothers”. They also maintain lame-ass emosexxxual blogs here:
http://fivebrothers.mittromney.com/ Need I say more?

Check out their super All-American names: Josh, Matt, Craig, Ben and Tagg. Shit shit I get it Mitt! Hold up though: WTF is up with naming your son Tagg? Is this after the men’s bodyspray or the game? Either way its pretty homo, if you ask me. Also, you named one of your sons Matt? Is that a play on words based on your own name? “Hi my name is Mitt and this is my son Matt.” - I’m not impressed. If my name was Mitt and I wanted to show off my wordplay capabilities, I’d name my son Ttim. Yeah, you heard right, Tim with two TTs. That’s intriguing. I would definitely vote for a Ttim! Wouldn’t you? ”

Fast forward to now – Romney’s off the Republican radar (thanks to my rant, I’d like to believe), but McCain’s set up Sarah Palin as his VP nominee. In case you didn’t already know, Palin’s kids are named Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper. Probably just to spite me and my efforts to keep silly names out of politics and world domination.

Do these names placate the public? Is this supposed to be endearing?

Republicans don't play, boyyy. I'm gonna assume tht Mrs Palin named her son Track to let y’all know that she runs shit. Place your bets.