Monday, September 29, 2008

Another Z-Ro Album: Hug Motivation 101 - Lets Get It

Not the new Lauryn Hill album

The new Z-Ro album ‘Crack’ - pretty good. Don’t sleep. Hop over to Suckapunk for a real review.

FYI, Z-Ro stans, don't be distraught by album reviews that talk abt Crack being 'upbeat'. Dude still raps like he needs a hug. "I smoke purple stuff alone in my room" certainly ain’t no 'Chicken Soup for the Gangsta Soul' ifyknowwhatImean. WHAT? You were expecting him to finally shake off the profound sorrow ingrained in his psyche? As if. At this point, I think we can safely bet tht even his rendition of 'Happy Birthday' will channel utter despair and disappointment. Shame on you, World – Look what you did to him!

Anyways, please support this man and give this record a shot, or Rap-A-Lot might never release his highly anticipated Christmas album "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell (My Life is Hell)." If the leaked street singles 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (Crack Aint Cool Remix)', 'Christ-mas (you test me?)' featuring DMX, and 'White Christmas (Let it Snow, Maaaan)' featuring Young Jeezy, are any indication, this might be the crossover record that finally catapults Z-Ro into mainstream rap stardom.

But until then. Z-Ro's Crack. In Stores Now.
Sample the Infinite Sadness.

Friday, September 26, 2008

The Sarah Palin Chronicles Vol 2: Hard Knock Wife

Storm Clouds Ahead

Since we are talking abt Sarah Palin, I just thought I’d mention this: Back when Mitt Romney looked like he had the Republican nomination on lock (This was late last year, during the Illinois Straw Poll, where he led all the Republican nominees with approx 40% of the support), I posted this long ass anti-Romney rant. Here’s an excerpt:

Why is this mofo called Mitt? Seriously, how more weirdly All- American can your name be? Mitt? Oven mitt? Baseball mitt? God I get it, Mitt! I don’t care how super competent or genuinely nice you are, if you are someone named Mitt, I will definitely not chill with you - If we were in high school , I would definitely not sit at the same lunch table with you. If it’s a really hot day and we were playing ball, I’d definitely not give you any of my Fruitopia. Even if a severely-dehydrated Mitt saved my life on that day, I’d only give him orange juice (But only with tons of pulp, coz I’m an asshole like that) Moving on…

From watching the Daily Show and frequently visiting, I know that duke has 5 sons who are basically “serving” their country by not fighting the righteous “war on terror” and instead traveling across America for their dad’s campaign. How admirable! These five brothers refer to themselves as umm the “Five Brothers”. They also maintain lame-ass emosexxxual blogs here: Need I say more?

Check out their super All-American names: Josh, Matt, Craig, Ben and Tagg. Shit shit I get it Mitt! Hold up though: WTF is up with naming your son Tagg? Is this after the men’s bodyspray or the game? Either way its pretty homo, if you ask me. Also, you named one of your sons Matt? Is that a play on words based on your own name? “Hi my name is Mitt and this is my son Matt.” - I’m not impressed. If my name was Mitt and I wanted to show off my wordplay capabilities, I’d name my son Ttim. Yeah, you heard right, Tim with two TTs. That’s intriguing. I would definitely vote for a Ttim! Wouldn’t you? ”

Fast forward to now – Romney’s off the Republican radar (thanks to my rant, I’d like to believe), but McCain’s set up Sarah Palin as his VP nominee. In case you didn’t already know, Palin’s kids are named Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper. Probably just to spite me and my efforts to keep silly names out of politics and world domination.

Do these names placate the public? Is this supposed to be endearing?

Republicans don't play, boyyy. I'm gonna assume tht Mrs Palin named her son Track to let y’all know that she runs shit. Place your bets.

Pretty Politricks - The Sarah Palin Chronicles

Big Pimpin'

So apparently everyone's still talking abt McCain's VP nominee Sarah Palin. So ok yeah she's kinda of a looker and bit of a sassmouth. But lets not get carried away here media, she ain't no Joan Holloway (Pssssh You wish). Anyways with all the media frenzy around her, I'm very disappointed tht nobody picked up on a certain nugget of info presented in tht recent TIME mag article on her.

Granted, this sentence was buried deep within a long article, but still dukes, no excuse. From the 2nd page of the TIME article on Sarah Palin, "Call of the Wild"
"The Mayor of the Matanuska –Susitna Borough - an area the size of West Virginia that includes Wasilla – is a one armed dentist and pilot named Curt Menard. He and his family have known the Palins for decades….." yada yada yada. The article then just goes ahead, full steam, for abt 4 or 5 pages discussing her reputation in Alaska.

Wowowowwow. In case you missed it partypeople, lemme rewind that sentence back one more time. Onearmeddentistandpilot wicca wicca . Now drop the beat. *violent record scratch* LIKE WTF? Why does nobody screeeeeech their sudden brakes for a sentence that contains the phrase "one armed dentist and pilot" ??? I mean, SHEEEEEEEIIIIT (Word to Senator Davis). Whts more likely to instantly give you involuntary bowel movement – being on a plane driven by a one armed pilot or having your tooth taken out by a one armed dentist? Jeeeesus, take the wheel. Please. How gangsta IS Alaska? Its no wonder why Palin and her peeps connect with a war veteran like McCain. Duuuuuude, they've lived with a one armed dentist/pilot/mayor. Whatchuknowabout multi-tasking with one hand? Single handedly leading your community?

People need to ease up and disregard her lack of experience. She clearly makes up for it with an abundance of gangsta. You already know tht, despite having a kid with Down syndrome, she drastically cut funding for kids with special needs in Alaska . Damn (might have been) Miss Alaska, that's cold. I just picture her going up to her kid and going "No handouts for you, retard. This is Alaska, Bitch." LOL-ercoaster to Nowhere.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Honour the Throne

This is an old Facebook Note I wrote, but I think its a pretty appropriate post to start with.

Today on my way to work, this random stranger kept talking to me about the top 5 records that 'defined' him. He kept yapping about how the Velvet Underground, My Bloody Valentine, Pavement and a whole bunch of other indie artists changed his life deeply. And then he kept bothering me by asking about which records defined me. And I was like "Um none dude. That's a pretty ridiculous question if you ask me. My life has been kinda yknow …not sad" At this point, the dude muttered "fucking cynic" and walked away.

Actually, you know what, maybe I AM being too cynical when I refuse to admit that art has changed my life dramatically. Come to think of it, there has been something that really has changed my life for the better. I bet it changed all of our lives actually. And unlike ahem annoying hipsters who just name drop obscure indie artists to sound cool, I actually have the balls to explain how all our lives have been transformed by this phenomenon.

You know what's CHANGED in all of our lives? Potty training. Yes, Potty training. We have never ever ever ever ever (ever ever?) been the same since we mastered the art of excretion. Just think about it. Were it not for potty training, you'd still be making doodoo in your diapers. You'd be clueless as to how to get rid of shit properly. You'd be at work, doing an important boardroom presentation in front of high profile coworkers and managers, and suddenly you'd feel some irregular bowel movement and your only thought would be: "Aww shit! Time to shit in my underpants again!" KnowwhatImean? You'd be at the club grinding next to someone and be like "Aww shit I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for thissssss…coz my body's too bootylicious for ya babe" and …well yknow. I actually have a whole list of scenarios where this lack of toilet training can land you in a whole lot of shit, but I'm gonna spare you the details for now. I think you get the picture.

I realize we're all prone to hyperbole every now and then, but the important thing to recognize is this: Potty training is one of the few underrated art forms that actually deserves the label "life changing"If you are reading this, stop wasting your life asking stupid questions. Call your parents, start crying, and be like: "Hey mom, dad. It's me. I just wanna say Thank you. Thank you for teaching me to shit properly. It's been a life altering experience. I'm on the can right now. I dedicate my next dump to you. Merry Christmas!"