Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Honour the Throne


This is an old Facebook Note I wrote, but I think its a pretty appropriate post to start with.
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Today on my way to work, this random stranger kept talking to me about the top 5 records that 'defined' him. He kept yapping about how the Velvet Underground, My Bloody Valentine, Pavement and a whole bunch of other indie artists changed his life deeply. And then he kept bothering me by asking about which records defined me. And I was like "Um none dude. That's a pretty ridiculous question if you ask me. My life has been kinda yknow …not sad" At this point, the dude muttered "fucking cynic" and walked away.

Actually, you know what, maybe I AM being too cynical when I refuse to admit that art has changed my life dramatically. Come to think of it, there has been something that really has changed my life for the better. I bet it changed all of our lives actually. And unlike ahem annoying hipsters who just name drop obscure indie artists to sound cool, I actually have the balls to explain how all our lives have been transformed by this phenomenon.

You know what's CHANGED in all of our lives? Potty training. Yes, Potty training. We have never ever ever ever ever (ever ever?) been the same since we mastered the art of excretion. Just think about it. Were it not for potty training, you'd still be making doodoo in your diapers. You'd be clueless as to how to get rid of shit properly. You'd be at work, doing an important boardroom presentation in front of high profile coworkers and managers, and suddenly you'd feel some irregular bowel movement and your only thought would be: "Aww shit! Time to shit in my underpants again!" KnowwhatImean? You'd be at the club grinding next to someone and be like "Aww shit I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for thissssss…coz my body's too bootylicious for ya babe" and …well yknow. I actually have a whole list of scenarios where this lack of toilet training can land you in a whole lot of shit, but I'm gonna spare you the details for now. I think you get the picture.

I realize we're all prone to hyperbole every now and then, but the important thing to recognize is this: Potty training is one of the few underrated art forms that actually deserves the label "life changing"If you are reading this, stop wasting your life asking stupid questions. Call your parents, start crying, and be like: "Hey mom, dad. It's me. I just wanna say Thank you. Thank you for teaching me to shit properly. It's been a life altering experience. I'm on the can right now. I dedicate my next dump to you. Merry Christmas!"
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1 comment:

Jeanie said...

dead freud would be enthusiastically running and literally breaking his legs, while waving his right arm in the air, just to high five you for supporting the importance of potty training. YOU FINALLY BELIEVE IN HIM! toilet training is when your ego develops, when you learn that you can't just excrete whenever you please. suck that shit in until you get to the toilet bowl, please. don't listen to snoop dog cuz you can't just drop it like its hot.