Thursday, October 30, 2008

Youthful Indiscretion: The Foiled Obama Assasination

The (Almost) Assasination of Barack Obama by the Cowart-Schlesselman

I hate when old people talk derisively about my generation's work ethic. I just had a 'conversation' w/ this old dude on the bus about exactly that. I do not know why the old nostalgia-cs always sit next to me. And why the hate flows so easily out their pores. Good old days, rotten kids these days, recession, depression blah blah blah. I never really got into a full blown argument w/ him but I totally could have. I was being nice. But be easy, Mister Old Spice. No one on the corner has swagger like us.

Case in point: So you've probably heard about this, but these
two kids got caught planning a national killing spree - an ambitious endeavour that plotted the deaths of 88 black people, 14 of which were supposed to be beheadings – Ahem, please note the discipline, Mister. The killing spree was supposed to culminate with ..the assassination of Barack Obama (aka Change McCain can believe in). Umm sideline questions: I thought killing Obama was against the KKK's interests? Geez, why must bigots be soo indecisive? Also, since these kids were being so meticulous with the number and racial segregation of deaths and all, I must ask - does obama's death count as a point in the white or black death column? 50/50? Hmm. Whatever, math was never my strong suite anyway.

Anyways, Mr. Old-Ass Baby Boomer also kept bitching about how attention spans these days ranged from miniscule to non existent. *Yawn* Pssh Whatever player-hater. Attention to detail is key.

Firstly, peep the number of deaths planned. 88. Not 80, not 90, not a 100. Gone are the old days when mass murderers & natural disasters planned death tolls in large, predictably blase, well-rounded numbers. With the state of today's financial markets, we're getting inundated with similar, steadily-plummeting numbers - Knowing that they were competing in such a number-saturated environment, these self aware kids responded w/ an innovative, distinctive death toll. 88 in the year 2008. Brilliant. 88 its like ...ayyy, forget these multiples of 10, foo'. You also get the impression that they've got principles and limits. I mean, 88 they're down with, but 89 wowowowow slow down there homeslice, lets not get carried away here - Thts just crossing the line. (Update: so apparently, 88 and 14 have deep, symbolic significance in the white supremacist community. I wasn't aware. Apologies if I have offended anyone. But hey Mr, guess what? This proves that these kids had respect for tradition and culture as well. So hah!)

Also, speaking of work ethic and attention to detail, check out the gear, holmes: "Both individuals stated they would dress in all white tuxedos and wear top hats during the assassination attempt," the court complaint states." See the pre-80s babies might stop w/ a fly tuxedo, but today's generation knows that accessories are essential for the swag splash, swan song. So viola, icing on top: top hat. Put your jazz hands in the air and wave em like you just dont care. So, yeah, believe the ironic hipster hypebeast, mister. And fashion yourself forward, for the good, old days are over.

Oh and take cover, coz kids these days stay f-f-f-fresh to death.

P.S Dessert: in case your appetite growls for more.

P.P.S Christopher over at Fuck I Look Like? plans to celebrate his return w/ blogs about age in hip hop. Hopefully he will address the issue of annoying old people on the bus. Fingers crossed.

Monday, October 20, 2008

What's Beef? Politics as Usual

Joe the Plumber vs. Bob the Builder

Election Coverage. When Caricatures Collide. Place your bets and pick a side.

If you can spot the difference, that is.

Also, in case you missed it: Post the final presidential election debate, the roast at the Alfred E. Smith Charity Dinner. Surprisingly hilarious. Mud Slinging in a malice-free environment? Soo necessary.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Anal-ytical Appreciation: NKOTB's Single

Its rough on the suburban block

This song won't let go of the airwaves, so I had to say my peace.

How old is too old? Is it possible for old people to make exciting, new music? Or is the very nature of pop music based on the type of edgy exuberance and brashness that only comes with the excitement of youth?

OK, NKOTB '08 fans: I’ll take it slow. Step by Step. Let's set our feelings aside. Let’s talk numbers, shall we? A single number in fact: 1986. What’s it mean to you? I know, it hurts to remember that faaaaaaaaaaaaaar back, doesn’t it? For Christsakes, Jesus hadn’t even invented the internet yet! But, yes 1986 did happen once upon a long, looooong time.

1986: Reagan in the White House. Chernobyl and Iran Contra in the headlines. Cheers, Cosby Show, Murder She Wrote and the Golden Girls on primetime. The Karate Kid 2, Top Gun, and Ferris Beuller's Day Out in theatres. Yes,1986 - the year that NKOTB's debut album dropped.

Now that we’ve got a snippet of perspective. Fast forward to 22 years later. 2008. Old kids, new block. Now looka here, childrens, I'm not here to hate on your muhfucking old-ass uncles' attempts @ serenading the young, single girls of the world. Senior citizens have needs too. Economic policies addressing Social Security? On the fritz. The electricity bill for those old people scooters? Off the chain. Fuel consumption on those Cadillacs ? Ridonkulous. The price of Viagra & other pharmaceutical purchases ? Reeetarded. Its hard to hang in tough.

Yknow, there's a lot of people who think that the dire, chaotic state of today's world will result in great art - More specifically, art that denounces flamboyant posturing in favour of real, gritty meditations on life in the slow lane. ‘Single’ maybe one such example.

Y’all know that staying relevant is a vicious game. Soccer moms and trophy wives can only boost your self esteem for so long. It was just inevitable that these dudes would get reckless in their quest for fresh blood and bank. A desire for some new kids on the cock, if you will.

But here’s where the world-weary realism steps in. As opposed to the young R&B cats who promise you wedded bliss life-long or sexual satisfaction all-night long, the new kids are much more modest about their sexual potency. They just wanna keep the girls up… "until the song –
woah oh oh - goes off. "

So, girls you don’t gotta be alone. Single and more than ready to mingle? Get your bedspreads ready coz the New Kids get busy.

For 3 minutes and 55 seconds.

With a little bit of help from a black man.

Hmm.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Say No to Ear Dildos

White Supremacy

Another blast from recent Facebook past - I think it warrants a re-up since my complaints and concerns remain unsettled:

Pssst just between me and you, I really don't like earbuds. I know you might have seen me out with earbuds but that really dont mean shit. I mean it's not like I DESPISE earbuds, but I really dont like it either. I mean, a couple of years back if you'd asked me if I'd ever pick up a pair of earbuds, I'd be like "WTF?? DO I LOOK LIKE A BULIMIC HOOKER?!" But yknow, as we get older and lazier, I guess eventually we all stop being idealistic and decide to settle for something satisfactory. Compromises, concessions yada yada. Welcome to the World of Whatever. Population- Us.

But last week, while listening to a totally sah-weet J Dilla compilation, it hit me (Man you KNOW how hard his drums thump, right? Immediacy baby, it's a beautiful thing!) : I cannot stand these skinny, disposable earbuds, I need me some good headphones.

So I've decided to post a note to remind myself why:

1stly, My earbud strands, are denoted with an 'r' and 'l' respectively. I'm assuming this stands for right and left …which raises the age-old metaphysical question: whaaaa?? I mean they look the same, so umm what the point of this denotation? Either they assume I'm retarded (fair enough) or they think tht one of my ears is grotesquely different from the other and have as such, designed separate earbud strands for each one of my freakazoid ears. Eitherways, I resent it.

2ndly, These earbuds really aren't any fun. I mean..headphones hug you warmly before hitting you with that sweet sweet sound, but earbuds don't get down with that sorta foreplay – just straight up, muscle-spread, ear rape. No means no!

So there you go peoples, go get yourself some headphones. Its almost summer! Fuck buds, get head. You deserve it.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Loop Digga on the Loose

This Guy

Go! – Madlib featuring Guilty Simpson

A no-frills head nodder from the new Madlib record, 'WLIB AM: King of the Wig Flip'. I like it when Madlib reigns in his tree-smokin', envelope-pushin', horizon-rippin', space hop schtick and just gets straight down to business. Although he does have a reputation for making entire albums that tinker with abstract sounds and ideas, most of his records have at least a few heat rocks that are relatively linear and 'normal' .
As if he's reminding folks just how effortlessly he can cook up run-of-the-mill bangers. And how easily he could’ve switched his style up for a shot at fortune and fame. An 'AyoIgotthis-itsnuffin' to the naysayers, if you will.

I'm not gonna talk abt whether 'Go!' (with its 'Get your pistols/Launch your missiles/ Settle your issues/ I gotta feeling somebody's gonna die tonight' chorus) is on McCain's 'Grand Daddy Yankee' muxtape. But yes, you can!

Moving on.

In his 2nd verse on "Go", Guilty Simpson goes "You want lyrics? Try these fam / You a joke like Black Man, White Man & Chinese Man." Sure, you could say that last line’s meant to be a punchline, alluding to the 'a __ man, a ___man & and a ___enter a bar' joke template. But could it be something more? Is Guilty spitting racial commentary? Maybe as Obama's rising star continues to force American society to openly discuss its feelings about race in the 21st century, Guilty is commenting about the pointlessness of rigid racial definitions. Or, on the flipside, maybe Guilty is tooooootally racist and literally thinks whites, blacks and the chinese are a joke. (Latinos, Indians, and other miscellaneous Asians get a pass for undisclosed reasons). So: Guilty Simpson – Blatant racist? I certainly have no problems implying that... on the internet.

Anywho, more grimy raps over Madlib beats please.