Thursday, November 13, 2008

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Haggard Makes Headlines Again

Make a stripper fall in love, T-Pain on them hoes

Cringe @ the title if you must, but ALL blowjob innuendos seem like winners to me.

In case you aren’t up to speed on the Ted Haggard story until now, here’s a snappy recap: Famed, influential evangelical preacher, gets caught in a sex scandal with a male prostitute. Played-out tale of a fallen angel. Yknow, whatevs, another day, another dollar.

But now Ted Haggard’s back in the news again – Yesterday, he came out with
remarks about how he was abused as a child and how its had a lasting impact on him.

Obviously, with Prop 8 just being passed, the back room banter and the front yard protests surrounding gay rights is getting louder. I personally don’t have any special comments to make about this complex issue (well, at least not any that’ll enlighten any of you). But I guess Ted had to come out w/ an explanation about how he was lured into the ‘sin’ of homosexuality. Yknow, lest you think he was responsible for his actions.

Now before we take sides on this issue, can we all take a second to give a big shout out to beautiful, baby Jesus? Even in this time of mental, spiritual, and economic meltdown, JC takes the time to hallelujah hollaback with delightfully hilarious news stories such as this. Jesus, much like the Joker, just wants to put a smile on that face. Well, may your will be done, blessed baby Jesus. Amen. K, brothers and sisters, for today’s sermon, please turn your cursors to the Haggard parables from the Good Book of Google. We will be meditating on a few of its highlights.

1) If you’re a rap fan, your eyes should have already grabbed the name of the manho named in the Haggard Scandal – Mike Jones. Who?
Mike Jaaaaaaawnes. Who? Mike Jaaaaaaaawwwnnnes. Poor dude never gets a break. First Trae, now this. Hey, if it was in fact Ice Age’s Mike Jones, then fair-weather Houston rap fans should be glad – apparently, customers is still tippin’

2) Snap your fingers, now do a step. Man ho Mike Jones’ got attitude y’all.
This is his olive branch to Ted: “I wish him well. I wish his family well. My intent was never to destroy his family. My intent was to expose a hypocrite.” My LOLmeter’s on swoll.

3)
On the aftermath of being Jacksonned, by one of his father’s employees, @ the age of 7: “Haggard said he later became "a conservative Republican, loving the word of God, an evangelical, born-again, spirit-filled, charismatic, all those things.” Hmmmkay. On one hand, I love people who refer to themselves as charismatic. On the other, this isn’t the greatest pitch to spread the gospel. Hey y’all, I was abused at 7 by my daddy’s friend. This led to me being a successful Republican church leader. You can do it too. With just 5 easy payments of..…

4)
On his family: “My wife - all my sin and shame fell on her.” Yeah sure Ted, it was the shame that hurt. Also mofo, I believe the problem was that your sin didn’t fall on her. You spilled it all over Mike Jones, remember? (Who? Mike Jawwwwnes Who? Mike Jaaawwwnes. Good God, I. cant. stop. That chant is pure crack)

5)
Regarding his meth-use allegations: “I never kept it very long because it was wrong. I was tempted. I bought it. But I never used it.” And you thought Bill Clinton’s ‘never inhaled’ line was tits. Ted, dude, I get it, I use the same line when someone asks me about the Silhouette yogurt packs in my desk drawer. Doubt they buy the excuse, though. (Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away in a church near you. “Phhhew, my pastor’s merely purchasing meth from a man ho. Glad that’s settled”)

6)
Unnecessary News Detail Winner: “In the message, Haggard revealed that he and his wife, Gayle, intend to leave Colorado Springs and pursue master’s degrees through online courses.” Ay Teddy, one love and all that jazz, but I really don’t care if you finally decided to pursue your deVry dreams.

7)
Minister Tim Ralph, on Haggard’s ‘sexual addiction’ counseling: "He is completely heterosexual," "That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Completely heterosexual, eh? Dang! Me, on the other hand? Only 50/50. Every now and then, I grab a strawberry dacari, curl back on the couch and black out on So You Think You Can Dance marathons. Ayo Haggard, being a 50-year-old who needs intensive three-week therapy to reassure himself that he’s straight? Not a good look, partner.

8) In light of this scandal, I’d like you to revisit the actual titles of two of
Ted’s bestselling books: “Dog Training, Fly Fishing, and Sharing Christ in the 21st Century” & “Taking It to the Streets” Really.

9) Finally, today, in Jokes That Write Themselves, Mr Haggard w/
an actual quote regarding the church and the scandal: “We consistently blow it, when those opportunities arise

Ahhh. God is good.

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