Monday, December 15, 2008

Mindfuck Manifesto: Fox Urine Trouble

Foxy Brown says Ill Na Na to all this drama


Not much of a mindfuck really, more of a face-wrinkling headscratcher. The relative gist of the story is quite clear- there’s this 50 year old dude, Scott Wagner, who’s been consistently hassled by kids egg-ing and toilet paper-ing his house every year for about 8 years (Homecoming ritual apparently). So this time, as the kids are tp-ing his house, he decides to defend his property by spraying them with fox urine. Dude’s now facing charges. Makes sense, right? Not quite.

1) Firstly, can we turn our attention towards the fact that Mr. Wagner wore night vision goggles during his Operation Fox Urine offensive? Now, I’m no legal expert, but if you’re trying to convince a court of law (or anyone for that matter) that you’re the victim, I don’t think night vision goggles are the way to go. It just throws in this unnecessary element of Steven Seagal-like recklessness. Regardless of circumstance, it’s kinda hard to earn sympathy when you’re equipped with night vision goggles and a fox urine-filled squirt gun, yknow? You’re on some SOCOM: U.S. Navy Seals meets Curious Case of Benjamin Button shit, dun. But whatevs. I’m willing to let that covert op slide, especially since reports indicate that there were 15-20 kids tp-ing his house. There is obviously some hidden vendetta subplot that we’re missing here.

2) How did this dude get charged with misdemeanor assault? Did these kids actually report him? As in, did these kids actually go to the cops and report that a 50 year old attacked them while they were in fact tp-ing his house? There’s all kinds of snitching going on here. How did these kids just snitch on their own property damaging asses, and get away scot free? Maybe its one of those confidential, cut-a-deal-with-the-D.A type confessions. Hmm.

3) Now, the article’s pretty precise with the squirt gun details - Wagner reveals that that he filled the soaker with 1/3s fox urine and the rest with water, coz “it stinks but it doesn't hurt anything.” Considerate fellow, no? OKKK, now for the main concern that this super-detailed report didn’t cover: Where the fuck did he get fox urine from??? This unanswered question resulted in me having all kinds of horrific visions –Mostly consisting of this dude trapping foxes in his private dungeon and torturing them till he extracted their urine. But then I googled ‘fox urine’ (
oh yes, I did), and came to learn that you can actually buy this stuff in stores - they apparently serve as good repellents against critters. So I was like cool cool, I can dig that. But then I was like, hey waitaminute. Where the fuck do these stores get bottled fox urine from? No, seriously. Just try and give me a rational answer that explains how stores get a hold of large volumes of fox urine. Without using the words molest. I’ll wait. *Turns on teletoon, No Spongebob, Turns off teletoon*

I’m obviously intrigued by the advancement of the Urine Revolution, but I don’t think I’m totally comfortable living in a world where foxes are harvested for their urine. Can I get a
witness?

Friday, December 12, 2008

WALL-E to KANY-E: Stop Swaggerjacking

Why, Kany-e, Why?

Sorry for the lateness of this post y'all, but my girl Ev-e just put m-e on to this. So apparently, the music world's currently being dominated by some cat named Kany-e West, with the releas-e of his latest album, "808s & Heartbreaks." You know, I'm not programmed to sugar coat my shit, so here goes: Stop swaggerjacking my steez, Kany-e.

Why does the biggest rapper on the planet feel the need to jock my fresh? I mean, come on, L-V Don. 808s? Stop binary code baiting m-e, dud-e. Seriously. Nevermind that the whol-e album's based on jocking my vocal styl-e via autotun-e. I can learn to liv-e with that. But releasing a piec-e of art that prominently sheds the spotlight on personal heartbreak? That's just crossing the lin-e, man. Hmm, robotic meditations on love and loneliness - where have I seen that before?
Oh wait. You gonna pretend like you've never seen my autobiographical documentary befor-e? Huh, Kany-e? Seriously dun, you don't want none of this drama. I ain't gonna snitch to no robocops, but you better stop it now. Drop it, Ok? You're just a spoiled little LA girl. M-e, I'm major.

Man, this is why I stay locked up in my recycling studio. The real world just keeps stressing m-e. I'm not calling for no beef, just telling it like I see it. I just had to respond.

Peac-e,
WALL-E

P.S My homi-e just informed m-e that Kany-e's already released a diss track in respons-e to my rant, where he refers to m-e as a retarded, 'Late Registration' robot. Is this dud-e asking to be e-thered out of existenc-e? Watch your mouth or this is gonna end up worse than a 2-Pac vs Biggi-E showdown, son. Out here-e, w-e go hard.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mindfuck Manifesto: 'Kiss of Deaf'

Just a visual approximation

Now I know some of you really hate it when people smack their lips too loudly while eating. Well, stop complaining hater. Read on.

Chinese Girl gets 'Kiss of Deaf'

No, this isn't promo for Jadakiss' Def Jam debut. And yeah, this dude apparently rendered his girlfriend deaf by kissing her. Uh, ummmm. I think we'll need a moment for this one, Trebek. *Jeopardy theme plays* dendendenden dendenden dendenden dendendenden, doot doodoo doot, Doot.Doot.Doot. Umm, what is WTF, Alex?

How do you manage to kiss someone deaf? I mean, I've heard of fucking someone's brains out, but their ear drums? Hold up. Well, I can sorta understand the idea of someone screaming really, really loud during sex. Maybe you have a Tarzan fetish going on, and your orgasmic shriek is extra-triumphant. But still, even then. If you scream loud enough to paralyze your partner's ear drums, you are either a) really, really satisfied b) really really pleased with your own performance. *Football roar* YAAAAAAAAH HIGH FIVE

But this? "A young woman in southern China has partially lost her hearing after her boyfriend ruptured her eardrum during an excessively passionate kiss" Excessively passionate??? *Blinks furiously* WHAT?? Was she sleeping with DJ Khaled (Listeeeennnn, We the Bessst! We
Go Hard!)?? How loud can a kiss get? Seriously, go ahead, try it. Your loudest, squeakiest kiss. I'll wait.

The doctor's diagnosis sheds some light: "The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear" This guy essentially sucked her eardrum out through her mouth. Muhfucka, where are your manners? This isn't your last cup of Ramen noodles! Dude must have been slurping hard. Like he was desperately cleaning out the last few droplets of a delicious cup of iced cappuchino. Is he some next level specialty vaccuum? A human Hoover? I hope so, coz I really need something to suck all the pesky hard-to-get flakes in my keyboard. Actually no, this dude would probably short circuit my CPU.

Sure, the diagnosis does help clear matters a bit, but it really doesn't help clear the disgusted, confused look off of your face, does it? I still don't really get how this took place, but apparently this
isn't a one-of-a-kind occurence.

So yeah, don't say I didn't warn you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: Crystal Stilts' 'Converging in the Quiet'



OKKK, I know what you're gonna say: Why is Swangerrr turning into such a sausagefest, bro? What's with assaulting everyone's senses with all this aggressive hip hop and heavy metal? Where's the romance?

Here you are all dressed in spiffy tuxedos & dazzling evening gowns, and here I am in no-name sweat pants. You probably assumed I got dinner reservations too, right? Welllll, my back pocket's got Mapquest directions to the nearest MacDonalds. And two $1-off coupons with your name on it (Tah-dah!). Disappointed? Well, don't act like you're surprised. Sheeit, you know how bad I am with all this serenading crap.

But hey, wait, wait, wait. All is not lost. Its never too late. This is for those who want to ballroom dance @ the apocalypse.

P.S Props to Fresh Cherries for the reminder on this album.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: Genghis Tron's 'Board Up The House'



Props to Geekdown’s ‘Rethinking 2008’ post for reminding me about Genghis Tron’s ‘Board up the House.' I’ve quickly sampled the record twice, and although it doesn’t sound like it’ll stack up against Krallice & Origin’s latest releases, it’ll do just fine for now. This is obviously the album’s title track. The synths on this track are a personal fave; they actually work throughout the record without being corny.

Now you’re telling me: dude yousafool, what took you so long to listen to this record? Well funny story, I just never recovered from the reviews this record got. See, since this band’s blending all these IDM/electro sounds with metal & grindcore, critics had to be extra-snappy with their genre classifications. My favourite critic-invented description of their sound was “cyber-grind.” Now, its not that cybergrind’s a particularly bad label to describe the electronics-laced metal sound Genghis Tron’s got going on. It’s just that ‘cybergrind’ always gives me this mental image of well...youuuuuuuuuuknow... robots dirty dancing. Am I right or am I right? Cybergrind’s obviously a pre-mating robo-ritual. Come the weekend, out goes the programming directives, in comes the binary code gangbangs. I imagine all the machines get in on this cybergrind orgy. The moment us humans turn off the lights, these robots let their freak flag fly. Shit probably gets real nasty.

You notice how you every morning you find strange stains in your microwave? Oh yeaaah dudes, that wasn’t last night’s pasta, that’s just the remnants of a wild night of cybergrind. Better wipe that robo-skeet off before you heat your next Pizza Pop. Trust me on this one.

There is also another related reason I can’t be completely comfortable listening to Genghis Tron. Personally, the term ‘cybergrind’ vividly brings to life the image of Rosie (the robot maid from the Jetsons) performing an incredibly erotic dutty wine. Oh please. Do not front and pretend like you wouldn’t tap that titanium. Those love handles were built to last, dun. Like, damn.

Now where was I? Right, right Genghis Tron. This song’s dope.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Common's 'Gladiator'

How the new album came into existence



Don't believe the hype. The new Common album, 'Universal Mind Control' isn't a thoroughly enjoyable trainwreck. This shit is just offensively forgettable. I can't even easily come up with a list of fabulously lame one liners from this lame duck album. There is nothing as silly & astoundingly amusing as "Broads say are you a philosopher? Yeah Yeah, I'll philosophi- on top of ya." Insert sad face emoticon.

I know I'm kinda late, but I just wanted to point of a few things that haven't been mentioned in the reviews for this album. Primarily about the insight dropped on the lyrical exercize, 'Gladiator', one of the few decent tracks on this abortion of a record. This track attempts to one-up DocZeus' hilarious letter, as Common's own subconscious seems to be warning him about the disaster the album's gonna be. Com, didn't Erykah tell you anything about your third eye?

Please note the following lines off of 'Gladiator'

1) Like Jacob Jewel, I keep clientele - Jacob's clientele is about to disappear like your fanbase, fam.

2) The warrior archetype, like Kimbo Slice - Yikes @ the timing. Man, if we're gonna use mixed martial arts metaphors, you should know that it
only takes a second. One bad move and you're down for the count.

3) Defeat your whole army, like 'This is Sparta' - Umm dude, as valiant as those semi-nude spartans looked, you know they lost right?

4) Pay homage to the rap Ziggy Stardust - Word? Yknow in the plot of Ziggy Stardust, there's a song called Rock n Roll suicide, right? One where Ziggy dies on stage? Thats how it ends, holmes.

You know what the rest of this party-oriented album sounds like? Its like that time. Remember that time? When your old ass uncle attended your cousin's wedding? Remember when the DJ played Billie Jean? Remember how he shoved you guys out of the way and got on the dance floor? Remember how he was like "Man, I can get down with the best of 'em" ? Remember how he then rolled up his sleeve and got down on the floor to do The Worm? Remember how he only managed one wave before he violently crashed his balls on the dancefloor? Remember? Yeaaaaah, that time.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Anal-ytical Appreciation: The Killers' 'Human'

Guess which one just farted



So this song’s slightly old, but it’s screaming for a blog post. Full disclosure: I’m not really much of a Killers fan. But whatevs, I like this song. A few thoughts

1) Without a doubt, the most compelling thing about this song is its chorus. In particular, the badass refrain “Are we Human, or Are we Dancer?” Journalists and fans alike are
flipping their lids over this line. Everyone’s going: wtf do you mean ‘are we dancer’? How are we dancer? Shouldn’t it be “are we dancers”? There’s a good chunk of people who are passionately arguing that he’s saying “are we denser?” As evidenced by the youtube comments section (always a dependable spot for hilarity), there also seems to be a chunk who are arguing that ‘dancer’ is right in the context, coz it’s in line with the singular word ‘human.’ Reading these kinds of reviews is a total LOLercoaster ride. I don’t recall the last time pop fans got their panties in such a terrible twist – All this over the necessity of consistent grammar, dukes? I obviously believe that this is a brilliant marketing move. There’s no way you leave an obvious error like that without knowing that you’ll ruffle some feathers and create some buzz in the process. It’s not like it’s an inadvertent instant messaging typo. Lead singer Brandon Flowers stands behind the quote, and jokes about the backlash, so you get the impression that he’s always been fully aware and ready for the line's ramifications.

As you’ve probably heard, the line “Are we Human or Are we Dancer?” is a Hunter S. Thompson-inspired quote. Its apparently based on a disparaging remark that Thompson made coz he felt that “
America was raising a generation of dancers” – Yknow, probably a comment on the ever-evolving pussification of Western culture. (So yeah, there’s goes your dream of having a Thompson vs. Geraldo Rivera showdown on Dancing with the Stars). Though a few of Brandon’s quotes seem to hint that he shares Thompson’s sentiment, he has not been super-explicit about it (Its probably quite hard to comment on the emasculation of society when you’re singing and wearing mascara)

2) Now you might ask yourself, how do we answer such a profound question? How do we find out if someone’s a human or a dancer? Well, the rest of Brandon’s chorus
mentions “And I'm on my knees, looking for the answer” Wowowow dude easy there, you don’t have to sink that low to get an answer. I’m curious too, but I can’t co-sign oral sex for enlightenment. Yeesh.

3) This song’s pretty catchy, and the whole tribal drum deal makes it danceable dammit! So, my obvious question is: are the Killers paying mind games with their audience? Are they mocking dancers with a dance song? Is this a test of faith to see if you are actually a dancer? How do concert goers react to this song? Do they just stand there and mimic Brandon’s super-suave hip and shoulder swivels? Do the Killers make their live rendition of this song extra catchy so as to expose the lame dancers who cannot control their nerves?

4) Does Fat Joe approve of this song? Fat Joe’s
‘Lean Back’ is presumably the first track to salute Thompson’s dancer hate. Isn’t Fat Joe’s “My niggas don’t dance, we just pull up our pants, and do the rock-away” chorus much more resolute in its anti-dance stance? Does he think the Killers are biters? Would you rather be in a group called The Killers or one named Terror Squad?

5) I’ve always been of the impression that a) the Killer’s first record was a tame hop-along on the 80s revival bandwagon and b) the Springsteen steez on Sam’s Town, their second record, was worth paying attention to. Now that I think of it, it’s not like I was really objective about their musical output. I just liked their outfits better the second time around.

6) My interest in the Killers is also apparently inversely proportional to the length of Brandon Flowers’
borderline-Hitler moustache. He has sadly decided to part ways with this fantastic piece of facial hair this time around. Le sigh. On the ahem brightside though, he has decided to decorate his jacket shoulders with bird carcasses. Fuck the haters, the fluttering feather-swag is a good look, son!

7) Why do we have friends? Why you do we feel the need to share our thoughts with the rest of the world? What do we gain from conversation? Are we human or are we blogger?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: G-Side's 'Strictly Buzinezz'

Sports Jerseys - Surprisingly unfashionable in space too




The new G-side album, 'Starshipz & Rocketz', is actually a really nice surprise. Seems like its gonna get shunned in the wake of the rap blogosphere going nuts over 2 big name, reinvention-themed albums - the kanye album (which is being heralded as this brave, futuristic leap), and the common album (which is being scorched as this ferocious, futuristic mess).

Unlike those two, this record's not at all shy about its space-hop agenda. It openly embraces it. The production’s uber-glossy. Space age street talk is not uncommon. The album’s called “Starshipz and Rocketz” for god's sake (Btw, is the 'replacing-the-lame-s-with-the-cool-z' trend making a comeback? I only azk coz I iz curiouz)

Don’t get your hopes too high though. While space age lyricism has its place, this is far, far from its brightest moment. The rappers are severely meh, serving more so as non-threatening props in this production showcase. “I mean business, business as usual / I know you hating & bitch the feeling is mutual” counts as memorable in these dire circumstances. Ditto re: "Me, I'm a libra, more stripes than a zebra/ my mother died the day after Aaliyah." Yurp, lots to sigh about. If you remember any lines, that is.

The production (Block Beataz?) picks up the slack though. This particular beat's on some basic, fly, twilight-zone ish. (About 3/4s of the whole album is, actually)

Are you resentful of today? Fantasizing of a fantastic tomorrow?

Well, drop the dutchie. Invest in a spaceship instead. Now get lifted.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Single, Please Mingle: Janet Jackson's 'Go Deep'



What’re you waiting for? Jeez Louise, just press play! C’mon dudes, take a chance, lend you ears. Sure, it’s a throwback, but the tune’s top notch. What? You’re in a hurry? What d’you mean you have to go home? Now?? Is it that urgent? Oh really? You gotta go upload a new Facebook profile pic ? And it can't wait? All I asked for was a moment of your time! That’s luxury you can afford, amigos. You’re seriously gonna front on a Janet Jackson jam?? Whatever. I see how it is.

See, this is exactly why you’re unhappy.

This is why your farts are extra-lethal. This is why they always lie to you. This is why they bully you at school. This is why your significant other met someone else aka This is why its not you, its them. This is why even telemarketers don’t bother calling you. This is why you cry yourself to sleep listening to Coldplay records. This is why you’re ironic. This is why you love travelling aka This is why you always wanna get the hell outta wherever you are. This is why you’re always sarcastic. This is why you have easily-irritable bowels. This is why people yawn at your house parties. This is why you’re always hating stuff. This is why you’re always overanalyzing shit. This is why you talk about life. This is why you think about death.

This is why you’ve always been deeply unsatisfied.

Coz you never learned to uncross your arms. Coz you never bothered to press play.

Hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink. Press play. Now sway sway. I'll wait.