Monday, December 15, 2008

Mindfuck Manifesto: Fox Urine Trouble

Foxy Brown says Ill Na Na to all this drama


Not much of a mindfuck really, more of a face-wrinkling headscratcher. The relative gist of the story is quite clear- there’s this 50 year old dude, Scott Wagner, who’s been consistently hassled by kids egg-ing and toilet paper-ing his house every year for about 8 years (Homecoming ritual apparently). So this time, as the kids are tp-ing his house, he decides to defend his property by spraying them with fox urine. Dude’s now facing charges. Makes sense, right? Not quite.

1) Firstly, can we turn our attention towards the fact that Mr. Wagner wore night vision goggles during his Operation Fox Urine offensive? Now, I’m no legal expert, but if you’re trying to convince a court of law (or anyone for that matter) that you’re the victim, I don’t think night vision goggles are the way to go. It just throws in this unnecessary element of Steven Seagal-like recklessness. Regardless of circumstance, it’s kinda hard to earn sympathy when you’re equipped with night vision goggles and a fox urine-filled squirt gun, yknow? You’re on some SOCOM: U.S. Navy Seals meets Curious Case of Benjamin Button shit, dun. But whatevs. I’m willing to let that covert op slide, especially since reports indicate that there were 15-20 kids tp-ing his house. There is obviously some hidden vendetta subplot that we’re missing here.

2) How did this dude get charged with misdemeanor assault? Did these kids actually report him? As in, did these kids actually go to the cops and report that a 50 year old attacked them while they were in fact tp-ing his house? There’s all kinds of snitching going on here. How did these kids just snitch on their own property damaging asses, and get away scot free? Maybe its one of those confidential, cut-a-deal-with-the-D.A type confessions. Hmm.

3) Now, the article’s pretty precise with the squirt gun details - Wagner reveals that that he filled the soaker with 1/3s fox urine and the rest with water, coz “it stinks but it doesn't hurt anything.” Considerate fellow, no? OKKK, now for the main concern that this super-detailed report didn’t cover: Where the fuck did he get fox urine from??? This unanswered question resulted in me having all kinds of horrific visions –Mostly consisting of this dude trapping foxes in his private dungeon and torturing them till he extracted their urine. But then I googled ‘fox urine’ (
oh yes, I did), and came to learn that you can actually buy this stuff in stores - they apparently serve as good repellents against critters. So I was like cool cool, I can dig that. But then I was like, hey waitaminute. Where the fuck do these stores get bottled fox urine from? No, seriously. Just try and give me a rational answer that explains how stores get a hold of large volumes of fox urine. Without using the words molest. I’ll wait. *Turns on teletoon, No Spongebob, Turns off teletoon*

I’m obviously intrigued by the advancement of the Urine Revolution, but I don’t think I’m totally comfortable living in a world where foxes are harvested for their urine. Can I get a
witness?

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