Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mindfuck Manifesto: 'Kiss of Deaf'

Just a visual approximation

Now I know some of you really hate it when people smack their lips too loudly while eating. Well, stop complaining hater. Read on.

Chinese Girl gets 'Kiss of Deaf'

No, this isn't promo for Jadakiss' Def Jam debut. And yeah, this dude apparently rendered his girlfriend deaf by kissing her. Uh, ummmm. I think we'll need a moment for this one, Trebek. *Jeopardy theme plays* dendendenden dendenden dendenden dendendenden, doot doodoo doot, Doot.Doot.Doot. Umm, what is WTF, Alex?

How do you manage to kiss someone deaf? I mean, I've heard of fucking someone's brains out, but their ear drums? Hold up. Well, I can sorta understand the idea of someone screaming really, really loud during sex. Maybe you have a Tarzan fetish going on, and your orgasmic shriek is extra-triumphant. But still, even then. If you scream loud enough to paralyze your partner's ear drums, you are either a) really, really satisfied b) really really pleased with your own performance. *Football roar* YAAAAAAAAH HIGH FIVE

But this? "A young woman in southern China has partially lost her hearing after her boyfriend ruptured her eardrum during an excessively passionate kiss" Excessively passionate??? *Blinks furiously* WHAT?? Was she sleeping with DJ Khaled (Listeeeennnn, We the Bessst! We
Go Hard!)?? How loud can a kiss get? Seriously, go ahead, try it. Your loudest, squeakiest kiss. I'll wait.

The doctor's diagnosis sheds some light: "The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear" This guy essentially sucked her eardrum out through her mouth. Muhfucka, where are your manners? This isn't your last cup of Ramen noodles! Dude must have been slurping hard. Like he was desperately cleaning out the last few droplets of a delicious cup of iced cappuchino. Is he some next level specialty vaccuum? A human Hoover? I hope so, coz I really need something to suck all the pesky hard-to-get flakes in my keyboard. Actually no, this dude would probably short circuit my CPU.

Sure, the diagnosis does help clear matters a bit, but it really doesn't help clear the disgusted, confused look off of your face, does it? I still don't really get how this took place, but apparently this
isn't a one-of-a-kind occurence.

So yeah, don't say I didn't warn you.

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