Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Mindfuck Manifesto: Explosive Chair Casualty

“I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room.” - Blaise Pascal, OG Geometrist

So let’s start by basking in the marvelous piece of lol-ariousness that is the title of the actual article. It just doesn’t get any better. Any and every thing that follows those words is bound to restlessly roam in its shadow. Cue your Wayne’s World VHS tape: We're not worthy, we're not worthy.

But still, let’s umm prod a little further.

1) What in the name of Terrance Howard’s immaculate perm? Chairs can explode? If I’m not mistaken these kinds of chairs are pretty commonplace. I just didn’t realize that they were powerful enough for an explosion though. I think its time to investigate our seating arrangements, folks. I don’t plan on entering heaven with a titanium tail. What’s that? Pssh yeaah O.K. I soo am going to heaven. You don’t even know me hater!

2) I think my immediate concerns regarding this issue maybe ever-so-slightly problematic – I mean, it’s not so much the dying that I mind, it’s the dying with chunks of metal up my ass. I’m just worried that I’d look pretty stupid being carried out face first on a stretcher (Face first obviously coz if they put me down ass-first the metal shard would just sink deeper into my anus, and that would just be inhumane. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure the Hippocratic Oath was invented to address such scenarios). I know you all love and care about me, but it’d be pretty hard to feel genuine sorrow if you have to witness me being carried away with metal shards protruding out my ass.

3) We bitch about pain in our lives, but imagine if the last thing you ever felt before you died was a thunderous battery ram right up your ass. No, really. Take a deep breath. Unclench your minds and your a-holes, and really imagine. All that time you wasted, updating your twitter and searching for meaning in life. And boom, its all gone. Now all you get is searing, unconditional pain and a kaleidoscope of flashing lights, filtered via a pole up your rectum.

4) Hypothetical Q&A time: In such a traumatic scenario, what do you think widens more? – Your asshole or your pupils?

5) Before we leave, let us please not to forget to tip commenter “OMG! Ponies!” who’s enriched all our lives with this gem of a response : “Rectum? It damn nearly killed him”

And I’m gone.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Skits-ophrenia: J-Ro vs. Mike B

I know list season just past us, but somebody really needs to get up on making a most "lol-arious skits on rap albums" list. Do it for the childrens! These cheshire grin-inducing moments are to be cherished.

So anyways I was reminded of this hilarious skit because of all the recent buzz that Royce da 5'9's been drumming up. With all due respect to Royce, who is obviously a fucking
beast, this skit is my favourite thing on the 'Bar Exam 2'. Yes, I am actually suggesting that a skit managed to triumph over Royce's vicious battle raps (Random excerpts include "I call these rap niggas crunk, coz they talk and bounce", "You a dick and a pussy, like you a hermaphrodite," & "Damn Nickel you be running through ho'es like you a shoestring") on Bar Exam 2.

Weird thing is that this joke is all about delivery. Well maybe most jokes are, but you get my point. You can listen to the 'you can't fuck with Detroit alcoholics' premise yourself, but the joke pretty much comes down to the umm narrator of this skit (can anyone I.D him for me?? is he supposed to be mike b?) going parisian on our asses with the "you threw up like a lil baybay" line. Royce actually goes on to quote tht line atleast twice elsewhere on the mixtape.

Honest to
Mickey Rourke, I seriously play this game where I play this skit on my ipod when I'm in a public setting, and try not to burst out laughing. I almost always lose.

I double dog dare you to try it. Come on, don't be a little bebe.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

SIngle, Please Mingle: Royce da 5'9's 'A Part of Me'

"When you left, you took a part of me with you" - Oddly enough, this is exactly how I say goodbye to my poop before I flush it down the toilet.

Okkk, so I know you've already heard about it but if you haven't already, you seriously should check the latest Royce da 5'9 single. A very hardboiled noir-ish concept right here. Your boy Philip Marlowe must've been somewhere in the building, you dig? Nickel Nine as the Hip Hop Phineas Poe : Discuss.

For those interested in getting excited about Royce's latest exploits, might I suggest both Bar Exam
1 & 2, and solid blog entries from So Many Shrimp, Iche Luge Bullets and Nickel Nine stan extraordinaire, Douglas Martin. What was interesting abt David's post was that, much like the classic case for Gucci Mane as artiste that So Many Shrimp just laid the smackdown on earlier this month, he depicts Royce as an artist who's been slowly but steadily elevating his game. Its an interesting point worth another look and listen. As of right now, I see Royce more in league with consistent mixtape monsters such as Fab and Jadakiss. Like, I can totally appreciate him in this niche of fierce punchline lyricism (this term is strangely used in a derogatory manner in most circles but I'm a huge fan of punchlines, so fuck the haters), but I wouldn't be surprised if dude did a two-step towards bigger things.

And this single does seem like a slightly forward-thinking, left-field move from him. It's definitely worth your time. I wonder if there's a sequel to this joint.

Anyways, a 5'9 full length ("Street Hop"?) allegedly drops this year. I've got my fingers crossed tighter than Shaq's
popping skills (Oh you thought I was gonna go for a 'Chris Brown clenched fist' reference, didn't you? For shame, sir. For shame)

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Single, Please Mingle: Rhymefest feat. ODB 'Build Me Up'

Ol' Dirty Bastard - Obviously a source of inspiration around here

Belated Valentine's Day Edition. Sorry I'm late, but I was literally too busy eating cake yesterday (Holler at me, Marie Antoinette)

This is from Rhymefest's '06 debut "Blue Collar.' Okkk, I have heard good things about Rhymefest, but I do not particularly care about his body of work at this moment in time. I haven't heard Blue Collar or that Man In The Mirror mixtape that had some nice blog buzz going. Maybe I'll visit all these the next time he releases something brandnewbrandnewbrandnew. But for now, I'm about to lean back.

Rhymefest is a competent lyricist and the verses on the song aren't bad at all, but Jesus walks....towards the chorus. This song's lovely chorus is dedicated to... this song's lovely chorus.

And to ODB, who I obviously love. Fuck a pause.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Single, Please Mingle: The-Dream's 'Rockin' that Thang'

So this Song of the Year contender (I'm soo sincerrre) finally gets a video. A few notes:

1) Captain Obvious just crossed the seven seas to tell you one thing: This song is so GOOOOOOOOOOD. Clean synths, layered harmonies, polished production. So very fresh, so very clean.

2) The song starts off with a tender "Girl I'm in love with you baby, and I want you to know." In contrast to this mushy sincerity, the ad lib of sorts that follows @ 0.35 secs i.e "Trick where you at? Well yessir..Pull the bikini out" sounds twice as hilarious. Man, I'm lol-lerblading all across the block, and all the way into summer on the strength of that one. Ay!

3) The video is directed by a 'Ray Kay'. He/she/it is not related to me, just for the record.

4) Despite having regularly rocked his debut in '08, I just realized in early '09 that The-Dream had a hyphen in his name. I've never seen someone use a hyphen to unify a 'the' to their name. Why is he so possessive of the 'the'? Is he afraid of the 'the' leaving him? Can he not just be a dream? Or just Dream? Must he be The Dream? He's got control issues is all I'm saying. Might I suggest a
shrink session?

5) Speaking of the need for shrinks, if you are someone who's easily disturbed by The-Dream's 'Furby with Stunna Shades' steez, be forewarned, he appears sunglass-less in this video. Shield your fragile eyes, fam. Lunar Eclipse! Full-on furby dude! It is best to not picture his mug each time one of his songs come on. I mean, just think of the repurcusions of the alternative. No, no, no. Lets be serious for a second. Just take a moment and seriously picture
Furby sending smoldering sexytime glares and get-in-my-bed serenades your way.

Anyways don't fight this song. Or fear it. Its already in your Valentine's Day playlist. And it has no plans of leaving.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Radiohead @ the Grammys

Okkk, so riddle me this Batman, or we're fucking done professionally.

Why didn't Radiohead perform "Jigsaw Falling Into Place" at the Grammys? Is it because

a) Radiohead are only comfortable performing songs that compel angels to slit their wrists.
b) The grooviness that is Jigsaw Falling Into Place would result in MIA's Baby Plopping Onto Stage.

c) Huh? Whaaa? *wipes drool off face* Sorry, I just regained consciousness after having blacked out in a pool of my own vomit during Katy Perry's performance.
d) Racism - My logic is lucid, hear me out: I am Indian. Jigsaw is my favouritest track off of 'In Rainbows'. The members of Radiohead are British. There is obvious post-colonial tension between us. In an attempt to oppress and spite me, they didn't play the song. Racisthead! (Yeah, I went there)
e) They wanted to perform Jigsaw, but Chris Brown threatened to bitchslap them wall to wall if they did. Radiohead chose not to end up like Rihannahead. (Yeah I went there. Jeez stop asking me. Pssh look at you, acting like you come here to read intelligent, articulate shit)

Vote now, and vote often!

P.S Isn't Thom Yorke's swagger in this performance packing some extra heat? Thom's Down Syndrome swag is sooo > Chris Martin's Tourette tic hop. Rap Pack, fall the fuck back. Mami scream, papi no mas!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Fossil Fuel: Gwar on Joan Rivers

Because I love my life, I spent a ridiculously unhealthy amount of this past weekend watching Gwar videos. If you approve of having fun, I recommend you do the same.

For those of who don't know who Gwar is, please take a stroll on their
Wikipedia page. Seriously, just browsing their wikipedia pages is an exercize in pure delight. Random Wikipedia Excerpt #1: Gwar also has a plethora of members, most of which are referred to simply under the collective label of "slaves."

They're thrash metal shock rockers with a penchant for social & political satire, basically. You might remember them from the 1993 Grammy Awards, where their video "
Phallus in Wonderland" lost to Metallica. Bummer!

Gwar's entertaining appearance on the Joan Rivers show conveniently doubles up as a great information session for those new to Gwar. I am so tempted to start listing off all the quotable shit, but that would be spilling the beans on your snazzy surprise party. I will say this though : Gwar frontman Oderus Urungus referring to his dick as the 'Cuttlefish of Cthulhu' on daytime talk tv is a personal highlight.

For those salivating for more, here's a couple of other entrees: their appearances on the
Jerry Springer show, and their splendidly badass video for 'Immortal Corruptor', where they hunt, capture, torture, skin and disembowel Osama Bin Laden. And btw before you ask, yes Immortal Corruptor does include the lines "The babies that I bake, fill a volcano / I'm clogging up the kill / My wretched baby paste requires Drano"

Random Wikipedia Excerpt #2 : " doesn't mean Gay Women Against Rape. It doesn't mean Great White Aryan Race. It doesn't mean Gay Weird Anal Reprobates. It doesn't even mean God What an Awful Racket. It just means Gwar, which means everything pretty much."

Wooohah, got you all in check. Have a happy monday, you guys!