Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Mindfuck Manifesto: Explosive Chair Casualty

“I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room.” - Blaise Pascal, OG Geometrist

So let’s start by basking in the marvelous piece of lol-ariousness that is the title of the actual article. It just doesn’t get any better. Any and every thing that follows those words is bound to restlessly roam in its shadow. Cue your Wayne’s World VHS tape: We're not worthy, we're not worthy.

But still, let’s umm prod a little further.

1) What in the name of Terrance Howard’s immaculate perm? Chairs can explode? If I’m not mistaken these kinds of chairs are pretty commonplace. I just didn’t realize that they were powerful enough for an explosion though. I think its time to investigate our seating arrangements, folks. I don’t plan on entering heaven with a titanium tail. What’s that? Pssh yeaah O.K. I soo am going to heaven. You don’t even know me hater!

2) I think my immediate concerns regarding this issue maybe ever-so-slightly problematic – I mean, it’s not so much the dying that I mind, it’s the dying with chunks of metal up my ass. I’m just worried that I’d look pretty stupid being carried out face first on a stretcher (Face first obviously coz if they put me down ass-first the metal shard would just sink deeper into my anus, and that would just be inhumane. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure the Hippocratic Oath was invented to address such scenarios). I know you all love and care about me, but it’d be pretty hard to feel genuine sorrow if you have to witness me being carried away with metal shards protruding out my ass.

3) We bitch about pain in our lives, but imagine if the last thing you ever felt before you died was a thunderous battery ram right up your ass. No, really. Take a deep breath. Unclench your minds and your a-holes, and really imagine. All that time you wasted, updating your twitter and searching for meaning in life. And boom, its all gone. Now all you get is searing, unconditional pain and a kaleidoscope of flashing lights, filtered via a pole up your rectum.

4) Hypothetical Q&A time: In such a traumatic scenario, what do you think widens more? – Your asshole or your pupils?

5) Before we leave, let us please not to forget to tip commenter “OMG! Ponies!” who’s enriched all our lives with this gem of a response : “Rectum? It damn nearly killed him”

And I’m gone.

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