Swangerrr Management

Move, Snitch, Get Out the Way

2010-01-30T09:04:00.006-05:00

Hey guys,

How're y'all doing? Hope you're all swell. Long time no talk, no? Anyways, apologies for the abrupt departure. Stuff to do, shit to handle yadayadayada. I'm actually not completely sure if this spot is dead, but as for right now, I'm gonna have to announce an indefinite hiatus for Swangerrr.

You can catch me over at my new tumblr bloggy blog Shawarmageddon, if you do feel the need to catch my mind meandering.

Thanks for reading.

Sincerely,

Single, Please Mingle: Young Chris "A Class of My Own"

2009-07-19T09:28:00.006-04:00

I have a shitload of family in Philly. Most of them are uncles who are pretty much ..um how do I phrase this politely...savage beasts. Seriously. A lot of them have mad amounts of extremely distracting curly hair coming out of their chests and ears. To make matters worse, they're the types who use their index fingers to further curl their curly chest and ear hair when they talk to you. They're also the types to grab a random pen off your desk to dig out their earwax. And they don't even bother to clean your pen after they're done. They just brazenly leave the pen back on your desk with these huge globs of earwax stuck to it. Grossfest y'all! I can't wait to go back to Philly next summer.

Anyways, I just mention this to force an introductory segway into another savage beast from Philly - Young Chris. I only started paying attention to him in the last couple of years so I don't know if he was any good in Rocafella's heyday. The only reason I was aware of this guy was coz a bunch of my buds back in the day used to make a ton of shitty "Man, Young Chris is gonna turn into Old-Ass Senile Chris in Rocafella's waiting rooms." I also remember overhearing a bunch of nerdy rap discussions about whether Jay-Z swiped Young Chris' flow wholesale.

Eitherway, it's been real interesting to watch this guy slowly build up his own lane in the last year or so. Here he is just spitting Illadelph raps and ripping apart Asher Roth's "Lark on my Go Kart" beat. No hook, no chorus. Fabulous. I'm definitely amped about his upcoming Network mixtape.

P.S Vid was spotted at Grand Good.

Single, Please Mingle: Willie Isz "The Grussle"

2009-07-11T10:29:00.008-04:00

So much new oldpeoplerap in my headphones these days. If you weren't aware of this 'Georgiavania' record before, you probably took notice when Noz rightfully put bloggers on blast for ignoring the latest records from Blaq Poet and Willie Isz. I'm not a Goodie Mob stan, and so while 'Georgiavania' was faintly on my "must check out" radar, I wasn't actively waiting for it to drop. But anyways, since it was a relatively slow couple of months for rap releases, I decided to give this record a shot. I'm glad I did.

Since I dived into this record with no expectations whatsoever (right after spending a few spins with the BlaqPoet record), I totally got bitchslapped by its weirdness. While the Blaq Poet record shoves us down to the concrete, Willie Isz invites flight. Like, honestly, the real reason I didn't write anything about this record last week was because I was just trying to focus and wrap my head around it, as opposed to just scratching my head with my jaws wide open. But now that its sunk in, I must say I like it. It's not flawless, but it is impressive, especially considering how the raps stay strong and steady amidst all the experimentation.

Thought I'd ease any still-hesitant listeners out there into this record by posting "The Grussle", probably one of the more accessible joints on this album. You gotta hand mad props to anyone who maintains their gangsta around these maudlin violins. Try mean mugging to square dancing music before you judge. Khujo is solid throughout the album. This Jneiro Jarel cat is cool too (I still do, however, feel that we all need to exercise a healthy amount of discrimination against anyone whose first name starts with two consecutive consonants. YOU CAN ONLY RUN & HIDE FOR SO LONG, DJIMON HONSOU!)

So yeah, give this record a shot. That is all.

P.S Anyone know who this "Willie Isz" character is? I sorta tried to decipher the conceptual backstory from the album but all I got was: "What it does is what it is, so Willie Isz is what it was" Thanks a bunch for the clarification, Khujo *bangs head on wall*

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Gucci Mane feat. Juelz Santana & Big Boi "She Gotta Friend"

2009-07-04T10:21:00.006-04:00

This video's been out for a minute, the song has been out even longer. I think we can all agree that Gucci's the highlight here.

That being said, I only post this video so that I can document & record the brilliance that occurs at 0.14-0.40 secs of this video - Here we get the privilege of watching Gucci and OJ giddily throw down 'bows in the backseat of their Benz. Mischievous glee or pure joy? Are they rejoicing about the women they've got? The money, the cars, the jewels? Are they laughing because they heard a preview of the Skull Gang record? Did they have a McFlurry for breakfast? Did they pull a fast one on us? Did they get exactly what they wanted for Christmas? Whatever it might be, shit is pretty cute. I mean jeez, how're you gonna hate on that kind of happiness? I mean it's cool with me if you wanna play up your haughty, calculated cool when you brandish your success at this cruel world, but this kind of celebration right here is what your life should be all about. Basically: When it comes to success, don't just drop dollars, drop 'bows! LET'S DO THIS.

P.S I celebrated the same way when I found that Twizzler Nibs were back on sale at WalMart. Nibs & I are MAJOR.
P.P.S Video spotted over at Traps N Trunks.

Single, Please Mingle: Young Dro "On Fire"

2009-06-23T22:05:00.006-04:00

Young Dro! Ay! You know the deal, don't play. This track is most likely a leak off of P.O.L.O (chorus shouts out the album title after all). While it's not as great as "Clean With it" or "Dro Rock Diamonds," it's far from shabby. Nah Right also posted another single ("You Nasty") off the album that arguably has got more interesting production but it has an Akon hook that sounds like ..an Akon hook. So yknow... Sidenote: Why Akon, my dude? Investing heavily in Croc (NYSE: CROC) stocks have better payoff prospects. I mean seriously, what kind of cache does Akon have in 09? Maybe tweens who know him as the dude that brayed "WOOOHOOOO YEEEHOOOO" like a castrated mule on that one Gwen Stefani track might be intrigued, but I don't know if that's the target market you're chasing. Akon on the other hand. But I digress.

This Jim Jonsin-produced joint is cartoonishly upbeat but Dro's flow makes sure it doesn't drift totally into Corny Central. Chorus is a winner too. No major eyebrow-raisers or grin-stretchers here but Dro's joy and energy remains intact.

I personally hope for waay higher highs when P.O.L.O finally drops but as for now, I'm not mad at all.

Cop a zshare via NahRight.

Single, Please Mingle: Killer Mike "My City"

2009-06-20T20:55:00.008-04:00

Tropical beat for your tropical weekend. My bad if it's raining wherever you are. Anyways, Don Cannon always makes such supremely serviceable beats, no?

Yo, could you hold on a sec while I adjust my Captain Obvious hat? All aboard? OKKK, here we go: Killer Mike is a great rapper. I Pledge Allegiance to the Grind 2 was definitely one of the best rap records of 08, no ifs, ands or buts. Totally worth the wait. That being said, Killer needs to make up for lost time and drop another solo record right quick.

Killer's on point on this track, in case you didn't notice. Though he spits with an obvious "same shit, different day" vibe, it's not hate-filled rhetoric. There's disappointment sprinkled in there but there also seems to be a fondness for his past and his present, a strange love and comfort towards the surroundings he's grown up around. There's still immense pride and respect for his upbringing. He calls it the "filthy, nasty dirty south" but he's also adamant about claiming it as his city. There's dark humour in the absurdity of it all, yknow?

This track might not be the type of scorching social commentary that Killer's probably most famous for, but it's still potent. Even when spitting a loose 'day-in- the-life-of' rhyme, Killer remains a storyteller at heart. That really shouldn't come as much of a surprise. He's a proficient lyricist and rhymer for sure, but it's always been his narratives that have taken centre stage, not his technique. He's just got this gift of sounding magnificently conversational even when he's rapping circles around you. Like here, for example, you really aren't analyzing his rhyme scheme or his similes, you're just walking along with him through his city, totally absorbed by whatever he has to say.

And I guess that's why Killer Mike is a great rapper. He's smart but not snarky. He doesn't bowl you over, he connects with you. Why settle for being deemed "impressive" when you can be engaging, right?

GET.
ON.
HIS.
LEVEL.
HO.

P.S Track spotted over at Maurice Garland's blog, where you can peep more details and another dope track "Pay Up"

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Karl Wolf "Africa"

2009-06-16T21:17:00.005-04:00

In case you didn't know, I currently reside in Canada. I'm happy to be living in such an awesome country. It let my immigrant ass in after all. So I don't lose my shit over the fact that this song is #2 on the charts over here. It's a small price to pay.

But let's talk about the price tag on this one, shall we?

This song is called Africa. My very first reaction when I heard about this song was: "Oh yet another African singer making an ode to their homeland. Yawnsville." But then the video popped up on MuchMusic and I noticed that the singer Karl Wolf was actually some tanned white dude (He is actually Lebanese, for the record). I was about to burst into a glorious WTF but my conscience kicked in with a 'Dude chillax.' Other people have sung about and/or appropriated the glories of Africa. Plus, its not like you have to be African to be appreciative of African culture. So I decided to continue watching.

But then it got kinda weird coz the song kept going and I never got where the "Africa" title fit in. I mean aside, from the fact that the chorus has a line that goes "I bless the rains down in Africa" (Seriously?), lyrically its pretty much a standard love song.

Even weirder, this dude decided to NOT include a single black chick in the video. Not even a light skinned token! Closest thing to someone black in this video is his budget line, Fat Joe-during-lent lookalike of a weed carrier, Culture (Btw peep his dance moves, they will brighten your darkest days). Weirdness continues: Culture's dancehall raps are on the song, and he's on screen a whole lot but for some reason, they never show him spitting the lines until the last minute. As if making a love song titled 'Africa' but making no mention of the continent or its people wasn't weird enough. In a strange way, it seemed like a pretty ballsy move (pause?) that I had a bit of respect for. Nonetheless, my restrained WTF had already begun loosening its shackles.

So I decided to take a breather. I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. Maybe I was missing something, maybe I wasn't reading between the lines. I think to myself - Maybe he didn't want to make a big, pompous statement about Africa. Maybe I should take in to account the fact that he subtly celebrates Africa by shooting the video in Africa. Until I realized that the video was shot on Muscat, Oman. LOLercoaster goes off the rail. Muscat? Muscat ain't gully, fool! Man, I have family in Muscat. I was actually there once to visit them in Grade 3. It's a nice little city. When I was there, I actually went to a farm, drank fresh goat milk and took a dump around a date palm. Karl is probably two-stepping in my fermented poo. Just thought you'd like to know.

So yeah, basically this 'Africa' song has nothing whatsoever to do with Africa. Impressive.

P.S I am aware that this is a remake of Toto's Africa, but my wtf will not budge.
P.P.S Here is a tremendous line off of Karl's wiki "Word of his talent spread quickly, with such stars as Christina Millian, Glenn Lewis, and Mya requesting that Karl send them material. However, at the time, he was busy at work on his first solo album, Face Behind the Face" LOLmeter on a hundred. thousand. trillion.

Single, Please Mingle: Jackie Chain "Diamonds and Cadillacs"

2009-06-13T10:32:00.009-04:00

I was wary of posting this shit since you've probably already caught it tanning itself under glowing reviews on tastemaker blogs like Traps N Trunks or Blvd Street. I was like: I have nothing new to add here, so why bother posting it? But then I realized that I just LOVE this song and that just the mere act of posting it would bring me lots of joy. And since this blog has always been about me and not you, here it is. Bite me naysayer!

So much radness to absorb here:

1) The beat! Those guitars, those strings, that thump! Producer of this beat: Identify yourself or forever face my wrath!
2) Jackie Chain's vocals: syrupy swing and southern twang gels so well with this beat.
3) The fact that Jackie Chain looks like he does. You know what he reminds me of? That one Simpsons episode where they decided to introduce that Cool Dog into the Itchy & Scratchy show. Jackie Chain = Human incarnation of Poochie. Disagree? Liar, liar, pants on fire.
4) Also dude is Asian? I thought hip hop was done with its Asian inclusion affirmative action quota after Jin joined Ruff Ryders (FreestyLOL). Plus I thought rappers referring to their marijuana-assisted states of mind as "chinky" counted too. N-E-ways, it is a big deal for my racist ass to be bumping some sorta-Asian guy's music coz as you all know, ever since Grade 11, I've been prepping myself for the inevitable 2020 World Domination Olympics between India & China. Think of it as Terminator Salvation: Bollywood Edition. We might be outnumbered, but us Indians have a fair shot at defeating the Chinese because their robots are built by the same 3-year-old terrorist tots that make Happy Meal Toys. They hate to see us smile.

But yeah man. This song really makes me feel good. And regardless of whether you've already heard it or not, by the time you press play here, you'll feel the same way.

P.S Cop a download via Blvd Street.
P.P.S Maybe we should check out one of his mixtapes.
P.P.P.S UPDATE: The badass beat was apparently produced by DjayCas. Nicely done, sir.

Single, Please Mingle: London feat. Lil Wayne: "B4 U Go"

2009-06-06T11:44:00.006-04:00

So, it's hard to argue against the fact that R&B's been running shit for a while now. Back in the 90s, R&B artists miming rapper steez wasn't uncommon. But now the tables have turned, and rappers seem to be cribbing notes from R&B in order to remain chart contenders. See: the fact that it is illegal in most states for you to release a rap album without a hook from Ne-Yo, Akon, T-Pain &/or The-Dream; the existence and success of 808s & Heartbreak; the fact that everyone's clearing their schedules as Jigga bravely attempts to set a date for auto-tune's funeral. Btw, rappers beefing against autotune reminds me. This one time in kindergarten I fought a girl. And I won! In your whiny-ass face, JJ! There's no way in hell you were gonna get that last cherry-crowned slice of the birthday cake. No way, no how. Cry me a river and wipe those crocodile tears on that ridiculously frilly birthday frock of yours, poser!

Moving on. This song might not be the greatest way to justify my pointless half-rant. I don't think the song's blown up quite yet. Minus one weird line in the intro, it doesn't even have any autotune. But it is R&B, and it does have Wayne rapping (sans autotune + a really fun first verse). Plus lots of heavy synth. I'm a fan of all of the above obviously.

P.S Cop a zshare from Nah Right
P.P.S I can't find his myspace but Southern Hospitality's post on this track reveals a few details about London's geographically-challenged existence: London is actually from Oakland but currently residing in Atlanta. Jeez.
P.P.P.S I just realized the acronym for the song spells B.U.G. Just thought you should know.

Fossil Fuel: Lil Scrappy "No Problem"

2009-06-01T19:58:00.007-04:00

So since everyone’s having a laugh at Lil Scrappy’s extremely NSFW attempt at getting back in the limelight, I thought I’d post a throwback to ‘04, back when he was known for his music. 'No Problem' was a highlight off the solid “The King of Crunk & BME Recordings Present: Lil Scrappy & Trillville” album, a debut of sorts for both Lil Scrappy and Trillville, if I’m not mistaken. With Lil Jon’s production expanding its reach and stomping its signature all across radio waves, crunk was alive and thriving back then. Good times, no?

This was a song that a younger, dumber me (if you can believe in such a possibility) scoffed at for weeks as it stayed perched on the 106 & Park countdown. Stupid-ass crunk coonery, I thought to myself. Then one fine day, I realized that I knew and loved all the words to the song's first verse. Plus, I just couldn’t stop bouncing and bobbing to it. In retrospect, I can’t believe I ever dismissed a song that delivered imagery as evocative as “You don’t wanna be out in the streets/ Mouth full of blood and a soul full of heat.” I mean, sheeeeeeit.

The version you see/hear in the video is actually a bit different (and imho better) than the one you hear on record. Aside from the fact that certain words have been tweaked for TV viewing purposes, Scrappy also added some great inflections to his lines for the video version. Minor as they may be, the swing he adds to his 'ayys' and his 'whaaats' really does make a world of difference. Lots more to groove to this time around.

(Warning Note: The following para is so full of questionable thoughts, I’m gonna have to ask you to stay on your toes and add in your own pauses. I’m a little tired.)

Though I love the video version of the track, I do however find the video itself very distracting because of Lil Scrappy’s lips. For real, it’s like Lil Scrappy’s lips decide to take a life of its own in this video. Seriously, I dare you to try watching the video without getting distracted by his lips. I almost think that the video should be labeled as “No Problem - Lil Scrappy featuring Lil Scrappy’s Lively Lips.”

Regardless, it’s an awesome song. Scrappy’s now switched to Ludacris’ Disturbing Tha Peace label, but I hope he can make time to collaborate with Lil Jon for more gems like these.

P.S Lil Scrappy- No Problem Remix featuring Fat Joe, Cam'Ron, Bun B & T.I

P.P.S In case you’re curious: yes, this video is the main culprit responsible for instigating my excessive and annoying usage of OKKK at random situations. Don’t judge me, OKKK?

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Jazmine Sullivan "Lions, Tigers & Bears"

2009-05-31T17:46:00.009-04:00

So this reminds me a lot of that Anal-ytical Appreciation post on Solange that I posted a month ago i.e It's a video that's been on regular rotation in the BET Now cycle. It's a song that I really like. The song and accompanying video seem to be doing everything right. Jazmine Sullivan's cute. But then the lyrics of the chorus hits you.

Here's the whole chorus in case you think I'm taking shit out of context:

"I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (Oh my!)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, When Love seems to hate us?"

Ok, so I'm not totally daft. I get it. She's trying to communicate the trepidation and fear involved in loving someone without reserve. She's pondering about commitment and the fear of loss. The fear of dependence and putting your heart completely out there. Yada yada yada.

But wowowowow. Hold the fuck up. Did Ms Sullivan just say that she wasn't scared of lions and tigers and bears? Oh my indeed. How the fuck are you not scared of lions AND tigers AND bears? Heck, I'm shitting my pants at the thought of encountering a lion, a tiger and a bear. And I'm not talk about a slight stain on my drawls. I'm talking about heavy fecal downpour. I'm talking about shit heavily encompassing my boxers and then slowly dripping down through my pant legs into my socks and shoes. Hell, some shit slips by the hem of my pants and onto the floor. It's not pretty.

Point being: I'm scared @ the thought of dealing with a lion, a tiger, and a bear. So it really irks me that this Sullivan chick decided to take her gangsta posturing a step further. She takes it into plural territory. Like goddamn. She's not scared of lions AND tigers AND bears. Arrrrrghhh.

Am I a big pussy? Or does Ms Sullivan need more people?

P.S Random Bonus footage for all you asswipes that are not scared of lions and tigers and bears.

PSA: Cadence Weapon - Poet Laureate

2009-05-30T09:16:00.012-04:00

Cadence Weapon - In Search of the Youth Crew (Afterparty Babies, 2008)

Cadence Weapon Named Edmonton's Poet Laureate

So in case you haven't heard - Rollie Pemberton aka rapper Cadence Weapon just got sworn in as the 'Poet Laureate' for the city of Edmonton (Alberta, Canada). Congratulations homie. I'm really glad. Now don't get me wrong: I'm not the type of person who looks for rap to be validated by the art critic community at large. Fuck that insecure shit in a diarrhetic butthole. I am, however, happy for any type of recognition or exposure this guy gets.

The main reason I even posted this news article is to remind you to get off that NyQuil coz you are seriously sleeping if you aren't up on this guy (Pause?). I really enjoyed his debut 'Breaking Kayfabe' but it was his sophomore album 'Afterparty Babies' that totally won me over. Dude brought his boombox to the rave and it was a totally smashing mix of electro and hip-hop. Hands down, one of my favourite hip hop records of '08. While his technical rap skills might not blow you away, I doubt you can really front on the refreshing perspectives he kicks in his rhymes. I hope people remember him for being more than the guy that rapped:
"I can’t work day to day and live and starve in the lunchline /
That’s why my shows last longer than a Talib Kweli punchline /
I rap into the next bar like a Talib Kweli punchline /
But I make no sense like a Talib Kweli punchline.”

I can understand why that line's stuck in your head though. Anyways, in honour of his award, here are a random couple of my favourite lyrics from Afterparty Babies

"Now girls love to be photographed/ That's a fact that can't be argued by the constraints of feminism in society/

It's not that far from how everyone's a DJ /

or how every single party is destined to be great"

"Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes was my idea!"

I could go on and on but I'm tired and lazy. I highly recommend that you peep his discography as soon as you get the chance.

Cadence Weapon is currently working on his third album "Roquentin", which apparently takes its title from the work of Jean-Paul Sartre. ExistentiaLOL. Can't Wait.

Single, Please Mingle: Lord Infamous, T-Rock & II Tone feat. Chamillionaire "Love my Whip"

2009-05-29T14:08:00.007-04:00

If you've heard ‘Scale-a-Ton’, chances are pretty high that your fiend-meter is set on high @ the return of Lord Infamous. So get this: Apparently Lord Infamous, T-Rock and II Tone actually have a collaboration album called "Blood Money" coming out soon. Yeah, you read right. Lord Infamous AND T-Rock. I guess Three 6 and T-Rock have buried the hatchet on their beef? Eitherway, this has all the makings of a major problem right here. This track finds both in fine form here, manipulating melody and double-time raps effortlessly. I don't know anything about II Tone, and am not too motivated to dig further based on his performance on this. He maintains the track's tempo well enough but he doesn’t leave an outstanding impression against the heavyweights he’s up against.

Chamillionaire kinda wins this round by gliding oh-so-smoothly across the beat with his track-opening verse. Excerpt: “Run up on me with your piece, and that’s what you gonna rest as/ Rest in/ Bet that/Presto poof!/ That fast.” Prediction: You do not make it through to the rest of the song coz you keep slapping rewind on Cham's verse. Place your bets.

The Ritalin-sponsored child choir chorus is sorta suspect – Two questions:
1) Who let their kids step into a studio with Lord Infamous?
2) When little kids yelp about loving their whip, don’t you assume it’s about Miracle Whip? I certainly do but given my rich, creative history of mayo consumption, I understand if you accuse me of being biased.

So yeah, the chorus is kinda meh. But yknow what? The verses are worth the wait.

Hope the album brings more heat. BLAY!

P.S Cop a zshare via Traps n Trunks.

Single, Please Mingle: Passion Pit "The Reeling"

2009-05-25T21:09:00.005-04:00

I know I'm late but jeez, what a song, eh? Like injecting fruitopia and red bull straight into your veins. Make sure to strap that arm nice and tight folks.

Passion Pit's full-length debut "Manners" dropped sometime earlier this month and it appears to be pretty solid. I'm only on my 3rd spin of the record but it seems like a keeper. Not outstanding or essential but far from a throwaway record. Dance punk as a "movement" may have died, but I doubt the rough aesthetic of dance-based rock can really be killed. Duh, right? Maybe it'll morph into something weird like no-wave or what have you. Whatever. Fuck all this talk about our generation's legacy and how we'll be viewed 20 years down the line for being into shit like this. Let's not overthink this. We're here now, so let's dive head first into our foolishness. It feels good.

Back to the song at hand. I believe this is the lead single from the record. I know its been getting its fair share of airplay for quite some time now. Best part about this song, and this band for that matter, is the lead singer's falsetto. He sounds sorta like Geddy Lee or that dude from Coheed and Cambria who umm sounds like Geddy Lee. Anyways, in case you don't know, I love falsettos. Seriously, Swangerrr Management would like to take this moment to officially cosign the fuck out of falsettos. I'm just so disappointed that no one in real life talks in falsettos. Atleast nobody that I know. If you talk in a falsetto, hit me up: I would like to be best friends with you.

p.s Peep Pitchfork's review of Manners.

Single, Please Mingle: Redman & Method Man feat. Raekwon & Ghostface Killah "4 Minutes 2 Lockdown"

2009-05-24T18:07:00.013-04:00

So Blackout 2 is nice but not as good as it should be. Personally, I would've settled for more of the same from the original Blackout production lineup i.e more of Erick Sermon's funk-fried beats for Meth & Red to get their groove on. This album's production has made concessions to our contemporary pop rap landscape, and so it's a bit of a hit or miss affair.

Anyways, this track lives upto the hype that its lineup generates. The horn-helmed beat is to the point and all of these dudes come correct on this. It's got this nice structure with Red and Ghost pumping the opening and closing credits with adrenaline and Rae and Meth holding the fort down in the middle with grit.

It's hard to rank them, but I think Meth's verse is my favourite (See: "G'd up, married to the game without a prenup" and "pack a little heater/game get colder in the freezer/ hit your little corner with the sweeper, dance with the reaper"). But that's subjective since there's nothing to scoff at here. Red is predictably animated ("Cold, my heart built with a snowball/ And I fuck old women like Zohan"). Raekwon delivers typically great innercity threats ("Before all the cussing and the gunfights, don't wanna rum nights /Yeah, scramble when the sun lights"). Ghost continues to bring the urgency of an escaped convict on the run. Seriously. The dude just opens his verse with a cliff hanger "Ayo, I woke up in handcuffs/ Heard the police wanted me dead." Stay tuned and try to keep up, listener.

It's that symbol again.

P.S Out of curiousity guys, WTF is up with a track named 4 Minutes not being 4 minutes long?

Single, Please Mingle: Cory Gunz "Time Keeps Ticking"

2009-05-24T10:56:00.009-04:00

Ever since his big break on Wayne's original version of 'A Millie', I've been waiting for Cory Gunz to win me over completely (Pause?). Dude's been doing his thing for a minute on the mixtape circuit (a cursory glance at DatPiff tells me he's been doing this atleast since 06), but he never did release a definitive mixtape or album I could whole heartedly cosign. He might not be the most charismatic member of the Freshmen class of '09, but he certainly can rap, as evidenced by several promising singles strewn across the blogosphere every other month. His awesome "Bad Freestyle Part 2" was the last notable one I remember. Hopefully his upcoming Gangsta Grillz mixtape is able to effectively distill his potential and remove all the "underachiever" whispers floating around him.

"Time Keeps Ticking" is off of the upcoming "Gangsta Grillz - Heir to The Throne" mixtape btw. Gunz does his whole tongue-twister-friendly rap, this time opting for a more moody, restrained flow than usual. Vinny Idol's claustrophobic beat swoops in for the win though. That bassline, those drums! Something wicked this way comes, dudes.

Cop a zshare off of NahRight.

Single, Please Mingle: Young Dro feat. Yung LA "Take Off"

2009-05-16T14:58:00.007-04:00

You know the sound (Take off) Keeeeeyyaaaaoooowwww, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyaaaaooow.

LOVE IT.

Regardless of late or not, you know I just had to post this right? Swangerrr Management has a spiritual and moral obligation towards posting Young Dro tracks. So one of the few thoroughly enjoyable tracks off of Dro's disappointing Black Boy, White Boy mixtape gets a video. It's apparently the lead single for Dro's forthcoming P.O.L.O album as well. Fingers crossed tighter.

As its a track titled "Take Off", there's quite a few pharmaceutical-themed quotables in here including: "Young Dro in the club, my wrist cost a hundred rats / When I pop a pill, I take off like the Thundercats" and "I fuck with kush so much, I had Amsterdam children"

Yung LA, T.I and a 'Catch Me if You Can' video theme appear. Just because. Don't ask questions. It's a Dro video. Actually if I may, I have three questions:

1) I noticed that the passport that Dro decided to manipulate his image on in the beginning of the vid @ 0.19 secs was the passport of an old white dude who was born in Armenia in "01 Jan 1950." Do y'all think that Dro can get a pass as a 59 year old Armenian-born American?
2) In the vid, is Dro being chased by the feds or the Blues Brothers?
3) Speaking of the Catch Me If You Can video theme, would T.I, Dro and LA have gotten away from the feds (like they did in this video) had Alfamega been present in their posse?

That is all.

P.S Video spotted at Nah Right.

Single, Please Mingle: DJ Quik & Kurupt "9x`s Outta 10"

2009-05-16T11:35:00.008-04:00

Damn. These mofos came out with We the West t-shirts??? Plagiarism I say! Ever since Khaled came out with We the Best tees, I've been talking about this idea of selling XXL tees that had We The Chest stencilled across the chest area (obviously). I also had a women's line called We The Breast. I had all my bases covered. We the Chest would have joined the late night infomercial pantheon with the Snuggie and Shamwow. This was supposed to be my moment to get rich quick.

But alas. This destined-to-be-matheletes-anthem steals all my thunder. I've honestly not followed Kurupt's career to a T, but I've heard enough Death Row features to know that he means business. More importantly, Quik sounds like he's got a chip on his shoulder and something to prove. If Hey Playa and 9 Xs Outta 10 are any indication, this record is gonna be a problem.

BlaQKout dropping sometime in 09. Get ready.

"Pretty soon the radiated mushrooms will radiate entire rooms / Go bananas, baboons / just STOP!" - Quik

PS Track spotted at Dirty Glove Bastard

Single, Please Mingle: DJ Paul feat. Lord Infamous "Internet Whore"

2009-05-08T18:12:00.007-04:00

I would’ve posted this much earlier had I not been out of commission from the conscious world for the past few days courtesy of a flu that contained high traces of bitchassness. This week's schedule has pretty much been all about two teaspoons of robitussin & 10 hours of slumber on the daily. Just a day in the life of a teenage Juelz Santana basically.

"Scale-a-ton" has been the soundtrack to my recovery. God bless DJ Paul and all the demons he fucks with. I feel like I've been waiting forever for this record to drop and so it feels totally weird watching it drop outta nowhere this week. Blog props for The Cool Kids’ new mixtape but no promo whatsoever for a fucking DJ Paul album??? Explain yourself, internet! Whatevs, your loss.

This album is on some seriously dependable shit. The deceptively simple art of combining good beats with great hooks. Three 6 is back at it. Given the fact that I have quite a few faves at this point, I’ve been flip flopping all week with regards to what track to post. But since this is a blog, I figured a ghoul-ish track titled ‘Internet Whore’ would be pretty apt.

Chorus goes: “I met her on myspace, found her on facebook / got head on youporn, (something something something)/ she’s an internet whore, you can enter that whore”

Is DJ Paul celebrating promiscuous women easily accessible via the internet or commenting on the impermanence of our relationships via the web? Is it about sexual sluts carelessly giving up their bodies and their morals or about mental sluts recklessly releasing obscene amounts of personal information via social networking sites? Which side are you on? What have you compromised recently?

OK. Fine, fiiiine. I’ll put the Robotussin away.

Anyways, bump this album coz DJ Paul’s back. Just. Like. That.

Single, Please Mingle: Gucci Mane feat Three Six Mafia, Project Pat, Yung Joc & OJ Da Juiceman "Never Too Much (Remix)"

2009-05-04T21:08:00.022-04:00

Awww shit. The first time I heard this song (which for the record was like, around 9.00 pm on a Sunday night), I jumped right out of my chair and started marching around my room. Straight Bushwacker-style. No joke. It just made so much sense at the time.

Anyways, these all star collabo lineups keep getting more ridiculoid by the second. This is like half of my last month's playlist converging into a single mp3 file. I was going to rank the verses of the featured rappers but its pretty hard since they all do a nice job. Personally, the numero uno spot would belong to DJ Paul's retort to sell-out accusations : "And I still represent and live in the south, so nigga get that hollywood shit out your mouth" I know lines like these sound less-than-mediocre on paper, but this is rap and you already know that delivery is king. With disdain dripping out of every syllable, DJ Paul pretty much turns mean mugging into an artform.

Despite the crazy nice lineup spitting solid game, Gucci's stubborn chorus (I can't stop, I won't stop, I keep getting money/Never too much, never too much money/I woke up ballin, I went to sleep stunnin/never too much, never too much money) never lets you forget whose turf you're on. 'Catchy Gucci chorus' seems like a redundant phrase at this point. But just in case you forgot who's boss, Gucci steps in to close the track in spectacular fashion. My fave line = "My lil boy one, but his shoes four hundred/ With tax, better yet 450 / Gucci all red, so he shittin' on the infants." Poor Gucci probably has to constantly change his kid's diapers coz his lil one's swag is shitting on his playmates. That pretty much has blockbuster movie written all over it. "Gucci's Kids" or "Gucci Day Care"? What say you?

Track's off Drumma Boy's 'Welcome II the City' apparently. Cop a zshare via Nah Right

Single, Please Mingle: Juicy J feat. Project Pat & V Slash "Hoe Pulla"

2009-05-02T19:08:00.008-04:00

This Juicy J and Project Pat mixtape 'Play Me Some Pimpin' has been out for about a week now. I'm certainly not losing my shit over it but it does do a good job of cobbling together some solid Three 6 Mafia-related singles that have leaked in loose formats in the recent months. Example: stuff like the 30 Inches remix w/ Gucci and that Alchemist track with Juvie is on here. Since people have written about such standouts, I'm gonna go with the Hoe Pulla track instead.

Now, to be honest, as much as I love a good Three 6 ruckus bringer, I enjoy one of their laid back, bluesy chillax sessions even better. And this is one of them. The chorus goes in hard, especially with Juicy J's Hoe Pulla claims blending so seamlessly with the Isaac Hayes sample. Gotta love him authoritatively preaching about "Anything on 30s is a Hoe Pulla" with Hayes' 'Look of Love' floating across the background. Oh hip hop, don't you ever stop being cheeky. Don't you dare!

V-Slash, who appears often on this mixtape, is also on this song. He's alright. IMHO, he sounds a lot like DJ Paul, except younger and less hard (mega-pause?). Project Pat does this thing. Juicy J owns this track in my opinion by remaining ever the gentleman

"Wagon wheels sitting so tall, hoes smiling
Maybe you can lick my balls when I'm driving
Miss Carhopper, blow me pleeease
Silicone or reality, show me D's"

What? He said please. What more do you want? If you ask me, he's ready for an appearance on Oprah.

You can download the whole tape over at Traps 'n Trunks. There's apparently a Juicy J solo album called 'Hustle Til I Die' coming out in June. Nice! Btw, where's that solo DJ Paul record you guys???

P.S Hearing that Isaac Hayes sample has me wanting to listen to a) Jay's 'Can I Live' b) an Isaac Hayes album. I think I'm gonna go ahead and do both.

Single, Please Mingle: Rick Ross "Cigar Music"

2009-05-02T09:13:00.004-04:00

Rick Ross - Cigar Music

So what happens when you decide to transcribe Rick Ross verses twice in a row? Will our world as we know it collapse into nothingness? I might be slightly off with this claim but I'm pretty sure this is the exact premise of that one famous Stephen Hawking book.

Here we go again:

"Uhhhh, Uhhhhh. I'm so compassionate with my compositions. Check.

Fascinated with foreign felines, since I was knee high

The cigar got me buzzin like a beehive

Fuck my old chick, I'm riding with my new thing

In her blue jeans, panties like shoe strings

Most wanted, I'm Bin Laden on a beat nigga

Rubber band, jeans sagging to my feet nigga

Hundred grand for the wagon and the feet (fiat?) nigga

Black flaggin' , bragging I'm a street nigga

On the grind, lil rappers wanna eat with us

Tryin' to shine like Birdman teeth glitters

VMA, fine time just to creep with her

So coincidental, walking down the street with her

My loose cheese scooped up the Gucci

In two weeks, I flew through the boutiques

She get her time limit when I let her go and shop

Cruisin in the car, clip the cuban at the top

Niggas know that my tecs explode

Down to go toe-to-toe before Tecmo Bowl

Biggest boss in the game, chatter I never mind that

Coz if it mattered, C-Murder would go diamond

I reflect as I riding in my Rolls Royce

Get respect coz I give these hoes no choice."

And that's just the first verse! The dude is on-point lyrically and the strings are luscious like whoa, yknow? I'm so salty that this track isn't on my copy of Deeper Than Rap. It's apparently a bonus track on certain copies of Deeper Than Rap. It can also be found on the Deeper than Maybach Music mixtape, which is where I first heard it.

Single, Please Mingle: Rick Ross "Blame It Remix"

2009-05-02T08:41:00.010-04:00

Blame It Remix - Rick Ross feat. Young Jeezy, T-Pain & Lil Wayne

First things first. It's May 2nd and I still L.O.V.E the original version of 'Blame it on the Alcohol.' This is exactly the kinda pop music I wanna bond and fall in love with every year. I should know better by now but that flirty beat manages to get into my pants every. single. time. I'm guessing that this specific remix has been out for quite awhile now, but I just heard it on Ross' Deeper than Maybach Music mixtape last week, so here we are.

Kinda crazy how much Ross has stepped his game up, right? I'm totally not mad at Deeper than Rap staying posted up at #1. A year ago, if you had told me that I'd be hitting rewind on a Rick Ross verse, I'd have thrown blazing hot, spicy curry in your face. And then as you'd cry out WTF! in sheer agony, I'd yell: SAUCE! Well, I'd probably yell SAUUUWSS!! to be specific, but you get the idea.

But yes, much like most of Deeper than Rap, Rick Ross totally runs this record. T-Pain's original verse on the track remains kinda unfuckwithable, and Jeezy and Wayne submit decent verses but Ross isn't fazed at all. Like many of you, I thought Ross would go down in rap history as the flubbery dude with the Boobie Boys t-shirt who rapped "Atlantic" with "Atlantic" But here he is, making his way into the limelight with a force of personality and a rhyme book that's hard to dismiss. This is as close as he might get to doing his Pharoahe Monch-lite impression, but I applaud the attempt. Actually fuck that. I don't want to make it seem like I'm somehow being generous in accepting his verse. I genuinely like this.

Heck, I've rewinded it enough times to transcribe it straight from memory.

"The homies flag like confederates,
I move fast, body bags in Conneticut
You niggas delicate, I'm the best, tell a friend
My sex excellent, Ciara celebant
Breathing on her neck, she can smell the peppermint
I know you playin' son, look at how you dressin' em
He's an embarrasment, Shaniqua call him harassment
Wanna chastise me about parentin'?
I'm buring Cali weed, punishing this parody
Fly to Venezuela just to watch the monkeys feed
But back to Ciara, baby you looking nice
Tell me what I'm looking like, I caught you looking at me twice
Pinky ring with the pink stones,
Popped a pink pill, think I took Pink home
Don't blink holmes, coz I'm too quick
Everyday she wanna hit me on with some new shit
When it comes to women, I ain't gotta fantasize
Mental rolodex, need a sec to analyze
Ross enjoying life, look at what I advertize
Tony Yayo couldn't tell you how to phantom ride
He's a monkey, I own tigersss
Every thing I touch is on fire
It's deeper than rap, yeah I call it promo
Sorry I gotta go, the hoes need photos."

Internal rhymes with a lisp FTW!

P.S When Ross mentions "Breathing on her neck, she can smell the peppermint" I choose to assume that he's talking about actual peppermint. He's probably not but the mental image of Ross creeping up to Ciara, with his breath smelling like peppermint is just too awesome to avoid.

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Solange 'T.O.N.Y'

2009-04-25T17:56:00.006-04:00

I know I'm mad late in posting this but with this video now being a regular in the BET Now rotation, I can not hold my silence any longer.

First things first, I don't plan on making any 'ignored-sister-living-in-the-shadow-of Beyonce's-badonkadonk' jokes. Too easy. Plus, I actually think she's doing pretty okay for herself. Her attempt to create her own lane in the game is respectable, if nothing else. Secondly, nothing against this song. In fact, I really like it. Come to think of it, the video is pretty alright too.

Just one teeny, tiny issue.

If you fast forward to 2.25 secs into the video, you will notice a disturbing extended sequence of Solange taking a pregnancy test. Um correct me if I'm wrong but she seems to be making sexytime faces when taking the pregnancy test. Now Solange, I know you're involved in some safe-sex awareness initiatives. That's cool, much respect. But you don't have to glamourize the experience to the point where it looks sexy. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think you're supposed to have an orgasm when you pee. If you ask me, that's a biological disorder that needs to be checked out (Sidenote: Actually, can you imagine the wonderful joys such a medical disorder would bring to your life? I'd be drinking water allll daaaaay.)

Or maybe it's just a case where she wasn't informed about proper procedures. Allow me: Dear Solange. You're supposed to pee on it, not use it as a dildo. Love, Me.

I could have been asleep right now, if it wasn't for T.O.N.Y

PSA: Young Dro Interview

2009-04-25T12:34:00.005-04:00

OKKK. I know what you're thinking. Am I accepting payola from Young Dro's camp? Well, no. Unless you count happiness as a bribe. But I wouldn't mind the money, just for the record. The Superstore next to my house is having a ridiculoid sale on confectionery items this week. I'm starving. Just so you know. No pressure.

Anyways watch the video, Dro fans. Notable fact highlight includes him informing us that there's gonna be two Dro mixtapes on the horizon before the release of P.O.L.O: "Can't Touch This" and "Metaphor Madness" Yes!

He also drops a line from the upcoming Metaphor Madness project.

"I'm a karate country nigga, Bruce Lee an' Rhymes."

'Enter the Dragon' and 'How Do I Live' fans REJOICE

P.S Video spotted at NahRight

Single, Please Mingle: Playboy Tre 'Movin Dem Keys'

2009-04-25T08:38:00.013-04:00

Weird. On paper, I shouldn't like this guy. Not in the least bit. I mean, I'm the kinda rap fan that genuinely believes in 'swag'. I'm all about personality and flair and style. Playboy Tre is just so back-to-basics. He's just rapping. That's pretty much all he's doing. Rapping. No crazy promo beef. No big budget videos. No novelty dances. No autotune. No crazy production showcases. Just rapping. Once he gets a pocket to rap, he just fills every inch of it with words. Like he thinks that he might not get another chance. Stylistically speaking, he's so much of an anti-Jeezy-type that his signature adlib is, I shit you not, "Naaaaaah." He's just rapping, armed with an everyman spirit and a focussed vibe. Its totally weird for me to even be remotely interested in something like this, especially in 09. But I am. Weird.

"Movin Dem Keys" is off his new mixtape "Liquor Store Mixtape." The Ishereal-produced beat's one of these slowly building thingamijigs, solitary piano prods gradually making friends with light percussion and lush strings.

"And while you hollerin 'bout moving keys, and blowing Gs/we trynna get up out of these streets" Tre raps on this. Umm did Tre just put his rap grind above petty drug hustles? He obviously didn't get the "I'm a Hustler, Not a Rapper" email that Jay-Z forwarded to our generation. Tre check your inbox again, dude, its probably just buried somewhere in your junk folder.

This mixtape might not be as good as his last tape, Goodbye America, but give this guy a shot if you already haven't. He's a rapper. Weird.

P.S Sorry don't have a link for the track, but you can cop a download of the tape via Cocaine Blunts.
P.P.S Video preview was spotted over at NahRight

Single, Please Mingle: Curren$y's 'Blown Away'

2009-04-22T19:55:00.014-04:00

I'm only on my fourth spin of Curren$y's debut album "This Ain't No Mixtape," but I think its a solid outing. Taking into account the barrage of mixtapes that he's served up in the last year alone, it certainly feels weird placing the word 'debut' right next to the Hot Spitta. I'm definitely glad that the production, handled entirely by Monsta Beatz, has a lot in common with my favourite Curren$y mixtape 'Fear And Loathing in New Orleans' i.e Its got a sound grounded in a glossy mix of synth and soul.

Now since the lead single, "Scared of Monsters" has already made its blog rounds, I'm posting another album highlight: 'Blown Away'. Scared of Monsters might make your trunk rattle more, but I think Blown Away is a bit more representative of the album's jet-set sound. The beat's designed to make you feel like royalty - Rich creamy synths anchored by some bitchslappin' bass. Winner!

I dunno why, its not like he's even close to being my favourite under rated rapper or anything, but I'd really like to see Curren$y succeed. Probably because of the fact that despite a frustrating 'career' where numerous labels held him on standby status for criminally long periods, Curren$y remains a lovable stoner with a never-say-die attitude and an admirable grind.

He might look perpetually blissed-out but the dude's got a good head on his shoulders and takes all the drama into stride. For proof, peep how he starts his first verse:

"Raps, I bust 'em
Problems with my life, don't discuss 'em
Coups & jets, I lust them
Can't hear them haters talk, I'm above them
But they push me to do it, that's why I love them
Fitting snug in the chevy seat,
Niggas see the future that's ahead of me,
and wish that it would cease to be
Buzz increasing till it became a bang
Jet planes in the building, bitch we do our thang"

See? No bitching or inflated sense of entitlement there. Dude just keeps it moving. And that certainly is a refreshing attitude to have these days.

Single, Please Mingle: Soulja Boy feat. Gucci Mane & Shawty Lo 'Gucci Bandana'

2009-04-19T20:11:00.006-04:00

So over the weekend, Jordan's twitter alerted me towards the fact that Soulja Boy's 'Gucci Bandana' finally got a video. My weekend just went from awesome to awesomer there.

Quick thoughts:

1) The piano stab beat might be basic, but it means business.

2) Soulja Boy does a pretty good job of holding his ground against his idol. Given the timing of Gucci's release from jail, I'm sure many of us are tempted to write this off as a case of Soulja piggybacking off of Gucci's buzz, but Gucci has just as much, if not more, to gain via the exposure of this collabo. This is definitely one of the tracks that has me questioning my avoidance of 'iSouljaboytellem'.

3) Now onto Gucci. I think we've heard waaay more fun and engaging performances from him, but right now its just hard to ignore the excitement that he brings to the table just by being there. And I have to co-sign the observation that he seems strangely humble and genuinely shy and overwhelmed at the batshit crazy hypestorm celebrating his return. He just seems so much more subdued than what you'd typically expect from a rapper of the moment, no? Self assured maybe, but almost like a talent show contestant who just stumbled onto stardom. Then again, maybe we should know better than to expect a typically obvious, over-the-top, Welcome Back video moment from him. The scene from the video at 0.39 secs, where Gucci raises his Gucci bandana steadily in the air, is all he probably needs to say to both his well-wishers and his haters. Bandana fluttering freely in the wind and in your face. It's understated but yknow powerful & triumphant at the same time.

4) The OJ Da Juiceman-style abrupt Ays. Who did that? I assumed it was Soulja Boy aping OJ when I first heard it, but now I'm not sure. I don't see OJ in the vid, do you? Anyway, this might as well be the star player on the beat. Call OJ a one trick pony if you must but geez what a trick. That Ay is so very full of life. Dripping with happiness and excitement and fear and anger and paranoia and ..you get the picture. Its kinda like what I expect Guantanomo Bay prisoners to sound like when their testicles get torture zapped. I meant that in a good way but it came out all wrong. Sorry, no disrespect to anyone.

5) Let's talk about Shawty Lo. Actually let's not. Someone pass the poor guy a Halls mint. But no water. You know his type multiplies with that.

6) I had originally intended to add an awesome Soulja Boy-related anecdote here, but I don't like seeing long posts, so I'll leave that out for now. Another post maybe.

7) I do not have a bandana on me, so when I rock to this joint in my room I'll be swag splashing with my bath towel, thank you very much

8) Gucci Bandana. Gucci Gucci Bandana Ay! Gucci Bandana. Gucci Gucci Bandana Ay!

Single, Please Mingle: Rich Boy 'It's Over'

2009-04-13T20:27:00.010-04:00

K, now this is a tune, Rich Boy. From the look of things, this song might have been released before the Pacc Man mixtape, but I just caught it right now. Sue me late police.

Rich Boy spits some typical Rich Boy stuff, brimming full of fierce energy and confidence despite the fact that he's mining well-worn territory, flossing the good life in your face: cars, chauffeurs, champagne et al. Atleast for me, with Rich Boy, its always been less about the content, and more about how he delivers it. That being said, I find the song's opening bars demonstrating a hint of dry humour. The following is spit with a straight face: "Apologizing to you haters, forgive me I'm sorry/For disrespecting everybody and driving ferraris." Grrr, I ride public transportation dude. Anyways, I think that kind of lighthearted smugness deserves an asshole LOL. An ASSHOLOL, if you will.

Now Rich Boy's cool and all but make no mistake though, the spacey Drumma Boy beat is here to win your hearts. I especially like how well-restrained it stays during the verses -There's lots of cool shit going on but it stays sneakily subtle for the most part, the twinkles never overpowering the beat, the airy guitar licks continuing to quietly noodle and build before fizzling into the now trademark Drumma Boy lazergasm. And you think its over but then BOOM! SURPRISE! The mighty chorus arrives in spectacularly grand fashion, all glitz and glory, gliding in slow motion, riding right past us unworthy haters. And poof, its over. Gone. It didn't even nod at our general direction, dude! The nerve!

Pssh asshole beat thinks its better than ME. I don't need that bourgie beat anyway.

*Quietly hits replay*

PS. Track was spotted over at Traps N Trunks, where you can copp a zshare download. (You obviously do, hater, don't lie)

Single, Please Mingle: Stic.man feat.Young Noble "My S.W.A.G Is Up"

2009-04-10T21:20:00.008-04:00

Ayee Ayeeee Ayeeee Ayeeee. WhatWhatWhatWhat!

Oh hai there, didn't notice you were waiting. I was just jamming to my latest fucking jam, Stic.man's 'My Swag Is Up'. Yeah man, I really did mention the word 'jam' in relation a Dead Prez-related track. Yes I used 'swag' unironically. Yeah, it is 2009. No, I haven't been downing NyQuil again. Jeez what's with all these weird questions, B? I need to get back to jamming to my fucking jam.

So now I feel like a total douchebag and a half for ignoring Stic.man's solo debut, 'Manhood' (yknow the one with the cover that matches the pause-worthiness of its title? I know atleast 2 reliable people who said it was actually worth my time). My excuse is decent: Back when 'Hip Hop' first hit the tv screens, I was like "Oh shit, new favourite rap group alert." But then these guys just fucked their momentum up, release after release. Its not even the preachy politics that bothered me. I can live with that. Hell, if I can rock to well-crafted coke rap, I'm sure I can rock to well-crafted down-with-the-establishment, conspiracy theorist rap. Its just the quality of music that kept disappointing. I was like, why is supposedly militant music sounding so limp and passive? But enough of me bitching. Let's celebrate the good times at hand.

I am seriously feeling this track you guys. I'm such a sucker for those strings. Lyrically, stic.man ditches the protestor bark for smooth persuasion- There's no finger pointing or admonishment or condescension of any kind. Instead, there is a celebration around the joys of liberation. He's nourished by knowledge. His heart beats courage. He's focussed, feeling good vibrations. His Swag is Up. He realizes that you've all been grinding hard for your own personal advancement, and so sometimes its all about taking your shirt off and toasting the good life. Let's do this!

Young Noble, from the fucking Outlawz, shows up for some reason. He's not bad. I like the 'You ain't gotta like it, just respect the game, how I shine so bright without rocking a chain' line despite its borderline cliche-ness. I'm glad he's having a good time. I do, however, disapprove of him repping a glass of white wine. Duuuude! How're you gonna show up in a dead prez-affiliated video and go for the WHITE wine. SMH.

Anyways , I sorta really hate myself for making you read so much when all you really should be doing is jamming to this fucking jam. So please, just hit play.

Sticman raps, "My mojo up, I'm doing my thang/I got that glow, I'm on my game/ I'm blowin on haze, my future so bright, I gotta rock my shades." YES! CO-SIGN (except the smoking, I have allergies. Sorry)

My Swag is up. My Swag is Up. Say Whaaaaattt!

P.S Video was spotted at Nah Right, where you can peep more details

Single, Please Mingle: Rich Boy feat. Al Myte & Supa Villain 'Ferrari Motor'

2009-04-10T10:07:00.006-04:00

Rich Boy's new mixtape 'Pacc Man' is just alright. You probably could've just guessed that by glancing at the tracklisting. Its weedcarrier-friendly for sure, but there are a couple of tracks that would be perfectly at home on the splendid 'Bigger Than The Mayor' mixtape.

I'm guessing you've already heard the fantastic 'Drop Top' somewhere (You might remember it as that song where he goes 'Money makes her pussy wetter, college make her head better'), so I'm posting another standout: mixtape closer 'Ferrari Motor'

I didn't think a heavy dose of twinkles would work against church organ laments, but it totally does on this track. I sorta like the chorus' utilitarian twist on fast-cars-brag-rap. They're not just products of flashy extravagance or empty posturing here: "Tell me how the fuck the police gonna catch me and pull me up?" Or as Rich Boy stresses later "My swag 100, my drop 160, my motor 350, how the fuck they gonna get me?" You know this dude is the type that's always hysterically rooting for the crazies on 'World's Most Insane Car Chases'-type shows.

Although the latter half of the track misses Rich Boy's passion, Supa Villain (Really dude? Do you not know that Doom is still alive?) and Al Myte (If you had referred to yourself as Al Myte Mouse, I might've been seriously intrigued. But you didn't. Name game FAIL) do a decent job of not ruining the song.

PSA: Dro Speaks.com

2009-04-10T08:49:00.007-04:00

Dro Speaks from Urban News Network on Vimeo.

OKKK. So, its a long weekend. Easter's just around the corner. The weather isn't displaying any signs of bitchassness. There is ample opportunity for copious amounts of cocoa to be consumed. Chocolate farts are destined to make love to your atmosphere. Nah Right has informed you that there is now a site called "Drospeaks.com" It has a video of Dro being Dro, set against the musical backdrop of James Brown's The Payback.

JEEE-SUS CUH-RHYSTTT, WHAT MORE DO YOU ANIMALS WANT?

Single, Please Mingle: Project Pat feat. Gucci Mane 'Bang Smack'

2009-04-09T19:39:00.008-04:00

This new Project Pat record couldn't have come at a better time. I need some new Hypnotize Minds in my life (There's only so many times I can keep listening to 'Da Unbreakables' on repeat). Breihan seems to think 'Real Recognize Real' is Pat's best record yet. I can't comment on that because I haven't heard his first three records yet (Embarassing, I know). I will say this: the more I listen to 'Real Recognize Real', the more I seem to like it. There isn't, however, anything on here that I love to pieces, say, like 'Finna Start Robbin', off of Pat's last record.

Anyways, 'Bang Smack' is one of my favourite cuts on this new record, right next to I Be Fresh, and Choppa to Ya Dome. Production is on point, but Pat manages to steal the limelight with these lol-ariously gross lines: "I stroke it long and hard, making sounds of a plunger...pluchkapluchkapluchkapluchkapluchka, like a plunger." He had to add in the actual sounds after the line because yknow there's a strong chance that your feeble imagination wasn't crystal clear about conjuring up the mental image of this whole Project Pat Plunger sexnoise scenario. Onomatopoeia dystopia, dudes! My mind has been slightly scarred.

About Gucci's verse. I was gonna say it was pretty meh, but I find myself constantly rewinding the part where Gucci goes (from what I can make out): "Big Booty girl, lay googly moogly, I'm Gucci Gucci, city (something) jury crazy scoochie." I checked with the almighty Google gods to to see if they could decipher Gucci's verse and this was the closest I got. I see you laughing hard at my pain, internets!

I'm hoping this album keeps us occupied until that DJ Paul solo record drops.

P.S Dear Three 6 Mafia, please get your shit together and release another great album! I would like to be compelled to bitchslap strangers in the face, just for the heck of it. Love (Pause), A Fan

Single, Please Mingle: Lil Boosie feat. Webbie 'Sunshine'

2009-04-07T12:45:00.006-04:00

OKKK. So two weeks ago when I read that there was gonna be a new Lil Boosie mixtape called "Superbad: The Return of Mr. Wipe Me Down", I was like Yes! Return of Ninja Turtle Rap! Score! See coz, as Boosie's star quietly soars, many have continued to swoon and ponder about...umm what AZ would refer to as: the effervescence of his ghetto essence. However, as many rightfully point out his remarkable ability to emote, it seems like Furious Boosie and Introspective Boosie are the dimensions hogging all the shine. I guess because anger and sadness provide the type of melodramatic peaks and valleys that make for interesting narrative arcs. Nothing wrong with Sad Boosie or Mad Boosie per se but I like happy Boosie damnit! No homo and all that, but happiness is an emotion I'm interested in, dudes.

So, as my first of order of business in petitioning for happy Boosie raps, I'm posting a celebratory track from the mixtape.

Re: the track itself. The beat's got a gorgeous, warm-weather, top-down, take-a run-in-the-sun vibe. Boosie rips it as usual. No surprise there, you already know that he’s got conviction in the bag. He shows off his cars, his clothes, his haircut, his weed, and his lil girl among other things. Webbie raps about getting out the hood and hypothetically robbing McDonalds. Yes! Personally, I'd just grab the McFlurry machine, but whatevs. Just kidding. I know better than to openly discuss McFlurrys in front of Boosie's diabetic ass. But I digress.

Can we talk about Webbie for a second? I've never have paid attention to his solo work outside of the singles that come on 106, but I always find something especially swagadelic about his verses alongside Boosie. I don't know if it’s a case of Webbie stepping his game up or a case of chemistry creating something extra special. It might even be a case of me never paying close attention to him outside the realm of Boosie tracks. Eitherway, when he raps "Boosie I don’t even know who go harder, shit, you or me?" I find myself agreeing. Anybody have any suggestions on where I should start w/ Webbie? I'll start regardless, but recommendations are always welcome.

"Ain't no pressure on Lil Boosie, I ain’t even stressing lately," Boosie raps on this. I, for one, am glad. Happy Boosie in ’09. Let’s make the world believe.

Single, Please Mingle: The Juan Maclean 'Accusations'

2009-04-04T09:40:00.011-04:00

The Juan Maclean's 'Accusations'

Dance Party dudes! Currently my favourite track off of The Juan Maclean's new album "The Future Will Come." Ok so, this album doesn't seem as good as the last one, but its good nonetheless. Even Pitchfork agrees (Phew, I needed the validation).

An important point to note, and a definite reason to cop this record, is that the original 12 minute version of "Happy House" is included as the album closer. For those of you who don't know, Happy House is their monster smash single from last year. I mention it in this post because once you listen to the total winner of a record that is Happy House, your review of anything else by the Juan Maclean will be tainted by ridiculously high standards.

But if you disregard this albatross around their neck for awhile, I'm sure you'll find something to enjoy in this track. Its got this ...umm samba-for-the-sorrowful vibe to it. A Disco's Not Dead feel if you will.

This song seems to be targeted towards those "getting emotional these days," but I like it anyway. I did suffer from a severe case of diarrhea recently, and I'm sure I can file that under "emotional" experience anyways. For those looking for something more thought-provoking, Nancy Whang croons: "Accusations make a lover's touch turn cold/Where's the difference, between the truth and lies not told?"

WOOOOOAAH DUDE, DID SHE JUST BLOW YOUR MIND. OR DID. SHE. JUST. BLOW. YOUR. MIND.

Single, Please Mingle: Young Dro 'Dro Rock Diamonds'

2009-04-03T13:29:00.012-04:00

Holy Mother of an extra yummy McFlurry! Look at what we have here. A Young Dro track that’s laced with a Biggie vocal sample off of (wait for it)... 'Kick in the Door'. Dudes, motherfucking Kick In The Door!

Did I ever tell you about how, during a brief phase in my teens, I used to side with Pac & the West Coast during the whole East Coast-West Coast feud? I was living in hardcore denial about this Biggie character. Death Row, all day, everyday yknow? Plus it was way cooler to twist my fingers into a west coast knot and yell “West-sah-yeeed” than it was to rep the east cost (aka show off the number three). Well, do you know how friggin ashamed I felt the first time I heard Biggie drop: "Lyrically, I'm worshipped / don't front, the word's sick / You cursed it, but rehearsed it." Do you? You couldn't possibly fathom my shame, broseph. Ugh. No effin way, Jose. The most fatal kind of disses are the ones that consist of the truth. And Kick In The Door was an ouch of a lifetime. But I digress.

Speaking of dropping unexpectedly like birdshit: Right at the heels of the fierce uppercut that was 'Clean With It', Dro decides to strike us square on our mugs with this sharp jab of a track. Though his flow doesn't disappoint here, I think Fury's production takes the cake on this one. Protect your neck partypeople, this beat's got some serious swing.

How ridiculously exciting is the feeling that this could just be the tip of the iceberg that is P.O.L.O/ The Young and the Restless? That Dro is just circling around us, waiting for the right time to unleash a knockout?

Jeeeesus Christ, have mercy.

P.S Track was spotted over at The Smoking Section

P.P.S I totally understand if you accuse Swangerrr of merely being a Young Dro fan site masquerading as a retarded blog of sorts. I can live with that.

Single, Please Mingle: Redman & Method Man feat. Bun B 'City Lights'

2009-03-28T09:50:00.012-04:00

So Jeff over at Passion of the Weiss thinks this song is "absurdly good". Though I'm not sure if I disagree, I will say that the track leaves me a bit unsettled. 'Why' you ask, imaginary reader?

Well, some of these are just me nitpicking details and being subjective but here's why:
a) Red and Meth on autotune. Weird and not necessary, obviously
b) In addition to spitting a just alright verse, Meth rocks his more sombre samurai flow. Don't get me wrong, I liked the brooding raps on '8 Diagrams', but ever since 4:21, I've been anticipating Meth's return to some Tical-style heat. Plus, I expect a 'Blackout' track to be a more funky, riotous affair, yknow? Bring the pain, Meth. Like Mariah Carey, I STILL BELIEVE.
c) When Meth spits "I've been riding dirty, since Dirty died", the 12 year old in me (No Michael Jackson) pictures a necrophilic Meth riding ODB's dead body. So very sorry I went there.
d) It is not equal to the sum of its parts. Red's verse is nice, Meth's is just alright, Bun B's is predictably dependable (Then again, when was the last time he seemed uncomfortable or out of place on a track he was on?)

Again like I said, maybe I'm just being a dick, coz when its all said and done, I like the song. You should listen coz:
a) A Red + Meth album is definitely an event to be thankful and excited about.
b) The beat knocks. In my naive opinion, it sounds like an attempt to blend Pimp C's smooth sailing cruise joints with a harder boom bap banger. It felt weird on initial listens but its been hard to completely front on.
c) Given our economic climate, you probably feel like Meth totally takes this one with these badass bars: "2 things to know about me, I guess I never change/ Can keep this money/ like Southern Cali, it never rains." Fine, I'll give you that. You gotta admit though, Redman does steal the intriguing punchline contest w/ "I shit on folks, the opposite of R.K" I personally think that the opposite of Kellz is being civilized and NOT pissing on people, but Red's idea that shitting is the opposite of pissing is a way more entertaining discussion. Let's do this!
d) At the very least, you need something to hold you over as you impatiently await Blackout 2 and UGK 4 Life.

P.S Since I'd liked to be viewed as a revolutionary, I have actually vowed to not download or listen to any snippets of UGK 4 Life until I finally buy the record.

I get to'e up on Twizzler party packs and anticipation.

Single, Please Mingle: Bat For Lashes' 'Daniel'

2009-03-22T10:48:00.004-04:00

Dudes, this is so not funny.

Okkk lets get the formalities out of the way. Natasha Khan just slapped a chokehold on the indie it girl crown. The song's beautiful and if it already hasn't, its probably gonna fucking blow the fuck up anytime now.

But dudes, have you seen the terrifying video yet? Watch it first and then we'll chat.

Okkk Now pull up a chair and grab a notebook. I'll just rest my head on the couch, thank you very much. Wait, can I get a glass of water first? K, now we're good. Wait is this fucking Dasani? Whatever, we're on the clock. Let's go.

So I don't think I've ever openly talked abt this to anyone on the internets, but ..but when I was in kindergarten, something horrible happened. Like, scarred-for-life horrible. Our KG teacher gave us this textbook of Hindi poems, filled with all sorts of dope illustrations right next to the poems. All well and good, since I liked colourful stuff yknow? But there was this one poem about the moon talking to kids, and the illustration for that poem had the moon personified pictorially - it was a human body whose head was a moon. And the moon face was just smiling widely looking at a group of wide-eyed, awe-inspired kids. Now I clearly remember that all the kids in my class loved this - both poem and picture. But it just scared the living hell out of me. I might have been a KG OG, but I seriously cried and ran out of the class each time anyone ever opened their textbook to that page.

Seriously it was the creepiest looking thing ever. EVER EVER. In retrospect, I'm sure I recognized the racial and pedophilic undertones of this illustration of a pale-faced perv looking at a bunch of helpless, innocent kids. This was Michael Jackson before Michael Jackson turned into Michael Jackson, you feel me? I just sensed all kinds of wrong in that pic. Anyway, so I went through this phase for a couple of years where I just couldn't look at the moon. I guess with the passage of time, this irrational (?) fear just passed away. Or swept under the rug atleast.

It was all fine and dandy until this video dropped. As you've seen, this video has these weird lycra-wearing freakazoids with ball-like contraptions on their face attacking Natasha. So very many balls, y'all. Its like the moon faces have returned in some hideous mutant form. This is Cirque du Soleil on LSD, holmes. In the beginning of the vid, these moon men just come up outta nowhere and start molesting Natasha. Then they start smearing their ball faces onto her face. I would've counted the number of times her face got slapped by those balls if I wasn't heavily buggin out. After suffering some horrific ball-blasting abuse, Natasha somehow breaks free and makes an escape attempt in her getaway wagon. But the moon men just hop on top for the ride, surf style. One of them manages to slip through the backwindow and then proceeds to molest her from the backseat. Natasha obviously can't do anything coz she is a diligent driver and has her hands on wheel (10 and 2 coz she's disciplined like that). Scotty, please beam me the fuck outta here. PRONTO. I just can't talk about this anymore. This is all just fucking wrong x 10.

On the faintly brightside, Natasha makes it through the storm, and reunites with 'Daniel', who for some strange reason lives in the deepest section of some macabre woods-scape (Hipsters aren't immune to foreclosures, I guess)

Whatevs. Song is fantastic, but no thanks for unearthing terrifying childhood paranoias, Johan Renck. I'll see you in court.

Single, Please Mingle: Young Dro's 'Clean With It'

2009-03-14T09:38:00.007-04:00

"Haters catch fire from my essence"

If you still haven't heard this, you just aren't in touch with your inner internets geek. Or NahRight. For those that felt that Dro was ahem horsing around with complacency on 'Black Boy, White Boy', this is a huge spirit picker-upper. Out goes the lazy mumble, in comes the ferocious rapidfire.

And speaking of a return to form, dude sounds seriously hungry again. Both literally and figuratively. The track includes typical braggadocio references to consuming tilapia, grilled avocados and eating at Benihana. Noz seems to think there's a correlation between tilapia references and great Dro raps. The 'Dro food references is directly proportional to the quality of delirious Dro tracks' is certainly a hard-to-fuck-with equation at this juncture.

There's much more to like in this song btw. The 2 Band Geeks beat is special too.

Eitherway, fuck all that man. I have a dance personalized for this track that is gonna have sweat dripping outta each and every one of your bedroom dancing pores. Its gonna change the world.

Well atleast my world. I am sooo unclean with it.

Single, Please Mingle: Ghostface Killah's 'Message from Ghost'

2009-03-07T10:13:00.005-05:00

So lemme get this straight, this song isn't getting mad amounts of media attention? A freaking Ghostface Killah song dedicated to Rihanna and "for my women out there that be getting beat up...struggling.." ? And if the premise wasn't buzz worthy enough, shouldn't we atleast pay attention if the song happens to be good? Maybe not great, but solid nonetheless.

And maybe I'm biased coz I'm a fan, but unlike several somebodies, has-beens and nobodies who've suddenly popped out of the woodwork to drop their meaningless two cents in on this issue, Ghost's track doesn't seem like an exploitative or opportunistic move to gain airtime. Eitherway its Ghostface and the song warrants a listen.

Ghost ends the track with an adlib that includes: "And I ain't here to interfere neither, but protect ya neck, that's what the Wu told ya, baby. That's that young boy, you know what that is already, ma.." I love the line coz it brings to mind the possibility of a UFC style showdown with Chris Brown and his back up dancers going up against the Wu Tang Clan. Count me in, and take me down there! Serious pay per view material obviously. I think its reasonable to predict that the match will end up with Raekwon eating Chris Brown's innards -Not out of anger, but bcoz of plain ol' fashioned hunger. Dude, whatever it takes to release Cuban Linx 2. Whatever it takes.

P.S In case you prefer your Chris Brown-commentary on a more lol-arious tip, you might enjoy the chorus on Big Kuntry King's "Chris Brown" (i.e "I'm trying to Chris Brown you, and beat out your brain"), or this adorably geeky youtube diss.

P.P.S If Ghostface wanted to hurl advice @ Chris Brown, shouldn't he just re-release "Run"?

Mindfuck Manifesto: Explosive Chair Casualty

2009-02-25T16:12:00.007-05:00

“I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room.” - Blaise Pascal, OG Geometrist

Boy Killed Anally When Office Chair Explodes

So let’s start by basking in the marvelous piece of lol-ariousness that is the title of the actual article. It just doesn’t get any better. Any and every thing that follows those words is bound to restlessly roam in its shadow. Cue your Wayne’s World VHS tape: We're not worthy, we're not worthy.

But still, let’s umm prod a little further.

1) What in the name of Terrance Howard’s immaculate perm? Chairs can explode? If I’m not mistaken these kinds of chairs are pretty commonplace. I just didn’t realize that they were powerful enough for an explosion though. I think its time to investigate our seating arrangements, folks. I don’t plan on entering heaven with a titanium tail. What’s that? Pssh yeaah O.K. I soo am going to heaven. You don’t even know me hater!

2) I think my immediate concerns regarding this issue maybe ever-so-slightly problematic – I mean, it’s not so much the dying that I mind, it’s the dying with chunks of metal up my ass. I’m just worried that I’d look pretty stupid being carried out face first on a stretcher (Face first obviously coz if they put me down ass-first the metal shard would just sink deeper into my anus, and that would just be inhumane. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure the Hippocratic Oath was invented to address such scenarios). I know you all love and care about me, but it’d be pretty hard to feel genuine sorrow if you have to witness me being carried away with metal shards protruding out my ass.

3) We bitch about pain in our lives, but imagine if the last thing you ever felt before you died was a thunderous battery ram right up your ass. No, really. Take a deep breath. Unclench your minds and your a-holes, and really imagine. All that time you wasted, updating your twitter and searching for meaning in life. And boom, its all gone. Now all you get is searing, unconditional pain and a kaleidoscope of flashing lights, filtered via a pole up your rectum.

4) Hypothetical Q&A time: In such a traumatic scenario, what do you think widens more? – Your asshole or your pupils?

5) Before we leave, let us please not to forget to tip commenter “OMG! Ponies!” who’s enriched all our lives with this gem of a response : “Rectum? It damn nearly killed him”

And I’m gone.

Skits-ophrenia: J-Ro vs. Mike B

2009-02-24T19:46:00.007-05:00

I know list season just past us, but somebody really needs to get up on making a most "lol-arious skits on rap albums" list. Do it for the childrens! These cheshire grin-inducing moments are to be cherished.

So anyways I was reminded of this hilarious skit because of all the recent buzz that Royce da 5'9's been drumming up. With all due respect to Royce, who is obviously a fucking beast, this skit is my favourite thing on the 'Bar Exam 2'. Yes, I am actually suggesting that a skit managed to triumph over Royce's vicious battle raps (Random excerpts include "I call these rap niggas crunk, coz they talk and bounce", "You a dick and a pussy, like you a hermaphrodite," & "Damn Nickel you be running through ho'es like you a shoestring") on Bar Exam 2.

Weird thing is that this joke is all about delivery. Well maybe most jokes are, but you get my point. You can listen to the 'you can't fuck with Detroit alcoholics' premise yourself, but the joke pretty much comes down to the umm narrator of this skit (can anyone I.D him for me?? is he supposed to be mike b?) going parisian on our asses with the "you threw up like a lil baybay" line. Royce actually goes on to quote tht line atleast twice elsewhere on the mixtape.

Honest to Mickey Rourke, I seriously play this game where I play this skit on my ipod when I'm in a public setting, and try not to burst out laughing. I almost always lose.

I double dog dare you to try it. Come on, don't be a little bebe.

SIngle, Please Mingle: Royce da 5'9's 'A Part of Me'

2009-02-21T20:31:00.017-05:00

"When you left, you took a part of me with you" - Oddly enough, this is exactly how I say goodbye to my poop before I flush it down the toilet.

Okkk, so I know you've already heard about it but if you haven't already, you seriously should check the latest Royce da 5'9 single. A very hardboiled noir-ish concept right here. Your boy Philip Marlowe must've been somewhere in the building, you dig? Nickel Nine as the Hip Hop Phineas Poe : Discuss.

For those interested in getting excited about Royce's latest exploits, might I suggest both Bar Exam 1 & 2, and solid blog entries from So Many Shrimp, Iche Luge Bullets and Nickel Nine stan extraordinaire, Douglas Martin. What was interesting abt David's post was that, much like the classic case for Gucci Mane as artiste that So Many Shrimp just laid the smackdown on earlier this month, he depicts Royce as an artist who's been slowly but steadily elevating his game. Its an interesting point worth another look and listen. As of right now, I see Royce more in league with consistent mixtape monsters such as Fab and Jadakiss. Like, I can totally appreciate him in this niche of fierce punchline lyricism (this term is strangely used in a derogatory manner in most circles but I'm a huge fan of punchlines, so fuck the haters), but I wouldn't be surprised if dude did a two-step towards bigger things.

And this single does seem like a slightly forward-thinking, left-field move from him. It's definitely worth your time. I wonder if there's a sequel to this joint.

Anyways, a 5'9 full length ("Street Hop"?) allegedly drops this year. I've got my fingers crossed tighter than Shaq's popping skills (Oh you thought I was gonna go for a 'Chris Brown clenched fist' reference, didn't you? For shame, sir. For shame)

Single, Please Mingle: Rhymefest feat. ODB 'Build Me Up'

2009-02-15T19:33:00.009-05:00

Ol' Dirty Bastard - Obviously a source of inspiration around here

Belated Valentine's Day Edition. Sorry I'm late, but I was literally too busy eating cake yesterday (Holler at me, Marie Antoinette)

This is from Rhymefest's '06 debut "Blue Collar.' Okkk, I have heard good things about Rhymefest, but I do not particularly care about his body of work at this moment in time. I haven't heard Blue Collar or that Man In The Mirror mixtape that had some nice blog buzz going. Maybe I'll visit all these the next time he releases something brandnewbrandnewbrandnew. But for now, I'm about to lean back.

Rhymefest is a competent lyricist and the verses on the song aren't bad at all, but Jesus walks....towards the chorus. This song's lovely chorus is dedicated to... this song's lovely chorus.

And to ODB, who I obviously love. Fuck a pause.

Single, Please Mingle: The-Dream's 'Rockin' that Thang'

2009-02-11T19:46:00.011-05:00

So this Song of the Year contender (I'm soo sincerrre) finally gets a video. A few notes:

1) Captain Obvious just crossed the seven seas to tell you one thing: This song is so GOOOOOOOOOOD. Clean synths, layered harmonies, polished production. So very fresh, so very clean.

2) The song starts off with a tender "Girl I'm in love with you baby, and I want you to know." In contrast to this mushy sincerity, the ad lib of sorts that follows @ 0.35 secs i.e "Trick where you at? Well yessir..Pull the bikini out" sounds twice as hilarious. Man, I'm lol-lerblading all across the block, and all the way into summer on the strength of that one. Ay!

3) The video is directed by a 'Ray Kay'. He/she/it is not related to me, just for the record.

4) Despite having regularly rocked his debut in '08, I just realized in early '09 that The-Dream had a hyphen in his name. I've never seen someone use a hyphen to unify a 'the' to their name. Why is he so possessive of the 'the'? Is he afraid of the 'the' leaving him? Can he not just be a dream? Or just Dream? Must he be The Dream? He's got control issues is all I'm saying. Might I suggest a shrink session?

5) Speaking of the need for shrinks, if you are someone who's easily disturbed by The-Dream's 'Furby with Stunna Shades' steez, be forewarned, he appears sunglass-less in this video. Shield your fragile eyes, fam. Lunar Eclipse! Full-on furby dude! It is best to not picture his mug each time one of his songs come on. I mean, just think of the repurcusions of the alternative. No, no, no. Lets be serious for a second. Just take a moment and seriously picture Furby sending smoldering sexytime glares and get-in-my-bed serenades your way.

Anyways don't fight this song. Or fear it. Its already in your Valentine's Day playlist. And it has no plans of leaving.

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Radiohead @ the Grammys

2009-02-09T19:47:00.008-05:00

Okkk, so riddle me this Batman, or we're fucking done professionally.

Why didn't Radiohead perform "Jigsaw Falling Into Place" at the Grammys? Is it because

a) Radiohead are only comfortable performing songs that compel angels to slit their wrists.
b) The grooviness that is Jigsaw Falling Into Place would result in MIA's Baby Plopping Onto Stage.
c) Huh? Whaaa? *wipes drool off face* Sorry, I just regained consciousness after having blacked out in a pool of my own vomit during Katy Perry's performance.
d) Racism - My logic is lucid, hear me out: I am Indian. Jigsaw is my favouritest track off of 'In Rainbows'. The members of Radiohead are British. There is obvious post-colonial tension between us. In an attempt to oppress and spite me, they didn't play the song. Racisthead! (Yeah, I went there)
e) They wanted to perform Jigsaw, but Chris Brown threatened to bitchslap them wall to wall if they did. Radiohead chose not to end up like Rihannahead. (Yeah I went there. Jeez stop asking me. Pssh look at you, acting like you come here to read intelligent, articulate shit)

Vote now, and vote often!

P.S Isn't Thom Yorke's swagger in this performance packing some extra heat? Thom's Down Syndrome swag is sooo > Chris Martin's Tourette tic hop. Rap Pack, fall the fuck back. Mami scream, papi no mas!

Fossil Fuel: Gwar on Joan Rivers

2009-02-08T11:52:00.005-05:00

Because I love my life, I spent a ridiculously unhealthy amount of this past weekend watching Gwar videos. If you approve of having fun, I recommend you do the same.

For those of who don't know who Gwar is, please take a stroll on their Wikipedia page. Seriously, just browsing their wikipedia pages is an exercize in pure delight. Random Wikipedia Excerpt #1: Gwar also has a plethora of members, most of which are referred to simply under the collective label of "slaves."

They're thrash metal shock rockers with a penchant for social & political satire, basically. You might remember them from the 1993 Grammy Awards, where their video "Phallus in Wonderland" lost to Metallica. Bummer!

Gwar's entertaining appearance on the Joan Rivers show conveniently doubles up as a great information session for those new to Gwar. I am so tempted to start listing off all the quotable shit, but that would be spilling the beans on your snazzy surprise party. I will say this though : Gwar frontman Oderus Urungus referring to his dick as the 'Cuttlefish of Cthulhu' on daytime talk tv is a personal highlight.

For those salivating for more, here's a couple of other entrees: their appearances on the Jerry Springer show, and their splendidly badass video for 'Immortal Corruptor', where they hunt, capture, torture, skin and disembowel Osama Bin Laden. And btw before you ask, yes Immortal Corruptor does include the lines "The babies that I bake, fill a volcano / I'm clogging up the kill / My wretched baby paste requires Drano"

Random Wikipedia Excerpt #2 : "...it doesn't mean Gay Women Against Rape. It doesn't mean Great White Aryan Race. It doesn't mean Gay Weird Anal Reprobates. It doesn't even mean God What an Awful Racket. It just means Gwar, which means everything pretty much."

Wooohah, got you all in check. Have a happy monday, you guys!

Single, Please Mingle: Nipsey Hussle's 'Hussle in the House'

2009-01-31T08:59:00.007-05:00

If you still haven't heard this, its obviously because you have issues with the name Nipsey Hussle. Me tooo, dude! It sounds like something related to a nipple slip, doesn't it? I mean, what kind of hustle is built on nipple slips, I ask? What kind of dough does a nippleslip-based hustle garner? With that cute a name, is he allowed to hustle outside Sesame Street? So many questions, so little time. I wish dude would just clarify the origins of his name. Etymology ain't my forte, holmes.

But then this tracks knocks, and all is forgiven. At the start of the song, I believe dude raps that "I'm turned up, coz I grew up in the 60s." Huh? WE DONT BELIEEEEVE YOUUUU, YOU NEEED MORE WRINKLES! Is he gonna pretend like he's the West Cost Benjamin Button? Btw, did you notice that Snoop Dogg shows up for a brief second at the end of the video? Probably to collect royalties for Nipsey's lanky South Central swag. Its sooo cold in the LBC, vato.

Speaking of the video, it is apparently directed by DantheMan. Is he like the new Rik Cordero? Must be on the come-up, coz I've been seeing his name a lot lately. Remember all those Prodigy videos? Those Termanology videos ? That Maino video? Who is this DantheMan anyway? If you merely answer with "he is the man," I may mercilessly lash you with my Pull 'n Peel Twizzler knots.

Regardless, the track bangs. Do you smell a G-funk resurgence? No? That must be the grimy aroma of my armpits then. Mean mugging at my computer screen takes a lot out of me.

PSA: Skunk Fu Rap

2009-01-24T19:21:00.008-05:00

So, earlier this Saturday, I was kicking back with a glass of sweet, sweet, chocolate milk, hoping to catch Spongebob on the tube, when this cartoon 'Skunk Fu!' popped up on the screen. The first thing that came to mind was something along the lines of: hey look, someone decided to ride the wave of Kung Fu Panda's popularity into a lame spinoff. But then I was like whatever maybe I should stick around and see if it ends up being something awesome ala Samurai Jack. It wasn't.

I mean, the episode I watched wasn't terrible really ('evil ninja monkey stealing antiques' plot was alright, visuals were nice). That being said, it just wasn't skip-proof against the omnipotent remote control surf, yknow? But then the show's title sequence (seen above) came on. And I was like "WHAT THE BLAGOJEVICH?? IS THAT GHOSTFACE RAPPING THE THEME??"

Update: My superior google search skills tell me that Skunk Fu is supposed to be an award winning cartoon, and that it is indeed Ghostface who's rapping the theme. So there. I guess Sun God's gotta eat somehow. *Theodore Unit breathes a synchronized sigh of relief*

The song's not bad at all. Well, duh douchebag, some of you say, its pretty hard for the legendary Ghostdeini to suck viciously. Agreed. Here's the full length version of the theme featuring Cilvaringz & Shawn Wiggs in case anyone's curious. Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna actually go revisit the 'Big Doe Rehab.'

Single, Please Mingle: Keak Da Sneak's 'That Go'

2009-01-23T19:05:00.010-05:00

Lagging soo far behind on this one, they wouldn't even look at my late pass application.

So like, I've already heard people mumbling about Keak da Sneak's latest release - that 'Welcome to Scokland' album w/ San Quinn. Which is weird coz I just discovered Keak's 08 album "Deified" 2 weeks ago. Man, I love the Bay Area hip hop scene, but can we please get a little promo outside the Yay? OKKK maybe you just caught me sleeping on the short bus again, but you gotta admit Keak's a textbook example of how fascinatingly insular the Bay Area hip hop scene can be. Here's a Bay Area legend (one who arguably invented the term "hyphy") who's 18 albums deep into his career, and we're barely exposed to any promo for his records. I guess locally confined music distribution isn't too bad if your scene has uber-loyal fans that support you but still.. The mainstream could really use some of this adventurous stuff. Just sayin'. Imagine Rick Rock & Droop-E on your FM dial.

Anyways, despite the fact that I'm not that familiar with Keak's catalogue ( technically I've only heard three other full length records from this man), this album was kind of a disappointment for me. I always expect some ridonkulous hyphy beat to grab my attention on a Keak record, because his voice is, as you all know, an acquired taste. In case you're wondering, he sounds sorta like a pitbull with a severe case of strep throat. The first time I heard him, I was like thissss close to mailing him my barely-used bottle of Robitussin.

The beat isn't hyphy at all. Its produced by Mozart (?) and features Prodigy and Alchemist (why?) on the mic. I guess the basic creepazoid beat is what gets me, coz the verses certainly don't. Prodigy's verse is just ...there. Here's one of his charming couplets : "heh, heh,heh, heh, heh / P for President." Keak bizarrely brags about going "like rush hour traffic in the fast track, in the carpool lane." Ok snitching on yourself regarding using the carpool lane illegally is kind of lol-arious, but how fast is rush hour traffic in the fast track, dude? I must be missing something here. Alchemist gets the last verse. I was expecting him to be the voice of reason here, but he starts w/ the following bars: "I'm off the chain, nah doggy, I break the cable / I'm mentally retarded, I'm straight disabled." Oooh-kay then. *rolls eyes like a 13 year old girl* Just in case you might mistake "mentally retarded" for a metaphor or a simile, Alc stresses the " just straight disabled." Thanks for clearing that one up, dude.

Also, pardon my square-ass, but what is "that go"? I'd really, really like to know.

Single, Please Mingle: Fabo's 'Spaceship Man'

2009-01-19T19:41:00.008-05:00

Extreme Makeover: Hood Edition

Oh hells yeah, broseph. This track was soo nice, So Many Shrimp had to post it twice. Props x10.

I suspect that a certain subset of "real" rap fans might violently disregard this coz they associate D4L with the deterioration of hip hop in the 21st century. Being a non-real rap fan, I obviously fall in the pro-Fabo camp. Say what you will about how ubiquitous Laffy Taffy was, but I still love Fabo's verse on it - For Scarlett Johansson's sake, his verse starts with "I'm looking for Mrs Bubblegum, I'm Mr Chickostick, I wanna dun-nuh-nuh, coz you so thick!" How could you in good conscience hate someone who uses 'dun-nuh-nuh' as a verb, holmes? That whole verse right there is straight caramel corn wrapped in cotton candy, comrades.

But then post-D4L, the solo record that many hoped for never dropped. Which is seriously mean and unfair, considering that even Shawty Lo ( aka Mr "Why won't T.I accept my Facebook friend request? Happiness is facebook poke-ing him until death do us part") got to drop one. In the interim, Fabo did release 'Geek'd Up Muzik', a mixtape collabo-of-sorts with Young Dro (!). On paper, this obviously looks like a mind blowingly brilliant endeavour, but in reality it turned out to be nothing to write home about. Honestly it was far from a terrible disappointment for me, but it seemed more like a quickly-cobbled appetizer than the full-course meal fans were fiending for. I'm told he did release a few other mixtapes since then, but I personally haven't heard anything else from him ever since.

Until now. 'Spaceship' is solid Fabo fare. Extra-enthusiastic, super-excited soul hop. Preaching the geeked-up gospel. I really, really, really like it. Man, if the American govt can dish out huge economic stimulus packages (pause?) to incompetent industry executives, why can't some record company spare a few thousand dollars to put out a full length record from this guy? Koch, where you at? Le sigh @ you mofos. Incarcerate Shawty Lo. Free Fabo!

There's a line in this song where Fabo goes "I live for thrills, the spaceship is real." Oh believe you me dude, I totally believe you.

Update: The Almighty Wikipedia prophesizes that a Fabo full-length album called "LeFabian Stories" is gonna drop in 2009. Take us higher, Xenu.

Single, Please Mingle: Young Dro's 'Green Light'

2009-01-14T21:42:00.008-05:00

So yeah, 'Black Boy, White Boy' - Pretty big letdown huh? I mean, its not like I was expecting this mixtape to save my life or anything - That'd be unreasonable. I was just expecting it to bitchslap winter and drag summer all the way to my doorstep. Fair enough, right? But nah, just as I'm prepping to kick back with Dro's A-game, his delivery and lyrical flourishes decide to book a vacay. Insert severely sad face emoticon.

Oh well, onto anticipating the album. The mixtape may have been a fuckup, but he's got way too much potential for anyone to be easily dismissing him.

On the faintly brightside though, Dro does submit his application to rewrite your fave rappa-turnt-sanga list. This is Exhibit 1 - Dro crooning over John Legend's 'Green Light' (You could say he's taking his 'I am Legend' mixtape title to the next level here). Its pretty short sure, but Dro finds a sweet spot and kinda slays it. Though he chooses to faithfully ride Legend's cadence (pause?), his lyrical reworking of the track is pretty much seamless, courtesy the fact that he's got a great voice (sans autotune, say what 2009!)

But lest you think he's a softie, or just in case you forgot who he was, he starts the track off by deftly sliding you his business card: "I got your girlfriend you already know/and she's got a girlfriend, you know 'bout Young Dro now." Yurp, there's that trademark glee shining through.

This track is a bonus for those who actually like the original 'Green Light', but can't stand to listen to it because of John Legend's presence on it. Which yknow I totally understand. I know, I know - There's actually nothing majorly offensive about John's adult contemporary musical steez, its just that his weird Sting-like aura creeps you out. Right? Oh yeah, I totally agree, he does seem like someone who enjoys taking bubble baths daily, complete with a couple of rubber duckies and an army of aromatic Body Shop candles. And yeah, he totally does seem like the type of guy who slips his hand in through his shirt and rubs his chest suggestively whenever he talks to you. All the more reason for you to be bumping this track.

Here's Exhibit 2 of Dro's 'I-can-sang-though' submission for those interested

PSA: Young Dro Mixtape Coming Soon!

2009-01-10T09:44:00.017-05:00

This piece of a pleasant surprise was spotted over @ NahRight. Tis a promo holla for Young Dro's upcoming mixtape "Black Boy, White Boy" ( i.e Black Boy Swag, White Boy Tags, you dig?)

I highly recommend that you just hit play to bask in Dro's infectious enthusiasm, but for those too lazy, here's a quick synopsis. Notable highlights of the video include:

1) Dro informing us that his 'Black Boy, White Boy' mixtape w/ Yung LA & DJ Infamous will be dropping soon (The 'DJ Infamous as host' info is appreciated since I like to stretch and warm up two weeks in advance to prepare myself for mixtape DJ shoutouts. Knowing whose shrieks are gonna be violating my listening experience eases my anxiety quite a bit)

2) Dro blending a few choice album lines into his promo shout out. More specifically, lines interspersed within this promo pitch include instantly recognizable favourites such as "I'm fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care", "My nickname's schoolboy, but ain't nobody learnin' me"

3) Dro repeatedly reminding us that he spends 5Gs on an outfit (every week, all the way down to the socks) - I wish I could relate dude, but I can't coz I shop almost exclusively out of Walmart's clearance aisles. Thats how I roll, son. No-Name Swag, Child Labour Tags. Best believe that.

4) Dro mentioning that his sophomore album's gonna be retitled from "The Young & the Restless" to "P.O.L.O (Players Only Live Once)"

5) Dro revealing that he wears so much Polo that these hoes think he's horsing around.

6) Dro signing off with "I'm in my own world, trick, we on different earth-es" Interesting that he claims to be on a different earth, as opposed to claiming to being from a different planet altogether (like every other rapper does right now). Step your game up, wannabe weirdo rappers. Whatchuknow about parallel universes?

Fingers crossed supertight that both the mixtape and the album actually drop this year. My Djimon-dark computer speakers and my brinjal-bright ipod need that Jackie Chan in it.

Single, Please Mingle: Electrik Red's 'Drink in my Cup'

2009-01-07T20:18:00.010-05:00

They don't see you haters

Fader just dropped another single from these girls, so I thought I'd revisit their single from last year - 'Drink in my Cup' is a track that, as far as I know, didn't receive any airplay whatsoever. Electrik Red, for those of you who may not be aware, is The-Dream's protege girl group on his Radio Killa (semi-lol) imprint. The dude's got enough cred for me to want to check out his weedcarrier's interns. So, here we are.

The beat sounds like ultra lite-Three 6 Mafia, recontextualized for a girls night out. A girl's fight out, more likely. The synths feed the zombies. You'd think the girls would play vampires in the video. But they don't go the horrorcore route. They aim for that sexy yet street vibe instead. Rap needs to watch its back. And its block. R&B keeps wanting in on that punch-you-in-your-face-music loot (Word to Raekwon). If you care about your physical well being, you better buy her a drink, is all I'm saying.

This song's hook (sung by an efficient Kelis clone) exclaims: "So get up on me baby like you wanna do me, right here..." This would have been pretty hot were it not for the visuals 1.50 secs into the video - Here you witness the girls grinding and writhing in unison all over a club's bathroom stalls. Man, even cold blooded killers stay away from the realm of public bathrooms. The souls of the damned roam restlessly in those stalls. It is a zone where mankind automatically devolves into apekind. It is where the end of human civilization begins. Shit is scary, son. My point is, if you do take her up on her "get up on me" offer, just know this - Drinks in her cup, crabs in your crotch.

Ever since its release, this has been an anthem for each time I down a cup o' Sunny D. I haven't heard anything else from these girls (aside from this other single, that is), but in the spirit of a new year, here's to hoping. I'm optimistic. Cheers.

Mindfuck Manifesto: Fox Urine Trouble

2008-12-15T13:42:00.011-05:00

Foxy Brown says Ill Na Na to all this drama

Man sprays 'toilet-papering' teens with fox urine

Not much of a mindfuck really, more of a face-wrinkling headscratcher. The relative gist of the story is quite clear- there’s this 50 year old dude, Scott Wagner, who’s been consistently hassled by kids egg-ing and toilet paper-ing his house every year for about 8 years (Homecoming ritual apparently). So this time, as the kids are tp-ing his house, he decides to defend his property by spraying them with fox urine. Dude’s now facing charges. Makes sense, right? Not quite.

1) Firstly, can we turn our attention towards the fact that Mr. Wagner wore night vision goggles during his Operation Fox Urine offensive? Now, I’m no legal expert, but if you’re trying to convince a court of law (or anyone for that matter) that you’re the victim, I don’t think night vision goggles are the way to go. It just throws in this unnecessary element of Steven Seagal-like recklessness. Regardless of circumstance, it’s kinda hard to earn sympathy when you’re equipped with night vision goggles and a fox urine-filled squirt gun, yknow? You’re on some SOCOM: U.S. Navy Seals meets Curious Case of Benjamin Button shit, dun. But whatevs. I’m willing to let that covert op slide, especially since reports indicate that there were 15-20 kids tp-ing his house. There is obviously some hidden vendetta subplot that we’re missing here.

2) How did this dude get charged with misdemeanor assault? Did these kids actually report him? As in, did these kids actually go to the cops and report that a 50 year old attacked them while they were in fact tp-ing his house? There’s all kinds of snitching going on here. How did these kids just snitch on their own property damaging asses, and get away scot free? Maybe its one of those confidential, cut-a-deal-with-the-D.A type confessions. Hmm.

3) Now, the article’s pretty precise with the squirt gun details - Wagner reveals that that he filled the soaker with 1/3s fox urine and the rest with water, coz “it stinks but it doesn't hurt anything.” Considerate fellow, no? OKKK, now for the main concern that this super-detailed report didn’t cover: Where the fuck did he get fox urine from??? This unanswered question resulted in me having all kinds of horrific visions –Mostly consisting of this dude trapping foxes in his private dungeon and torturing them till he extracted their urine. But then I googled ‘fox urine’ (oh yes, I did), and came to learn that you can actually buy this stuff in stores - they apparently serve as good repellents against critters. So I was like cool cool, I can dig that. But then I was like, hey waitaminute. Where the fuck do these stores get bottled fox urine from? No, seriously. Just try and give me a rational answer that explains how stores get a hold of large volumes of fox urine. Without using the words molest. I’ll wait. *Turns on teletoon, No Spongebob, Turns off teletoon*

I’m obviously intrigued by the advancement of the Urine Revolution, but I don’t think I’m totally comfortable living in a world where foxes are harvested for their urine. Can I get a witness?

WALL-E to KANY-E: Stop Swaggerjacking

2008-12-12T14:18:00.005-05:00

Why, Kany-e, Why?

Sorry for the lateness of this post y'all, but my girl Ev-e just put m-e on to this. So apparently, the music world's currently being dominated by some cat named Kany-e West, with the releas-e of his latest album, "808s & Heartbreaks." You know, I'm not programmed to sugar coat my shit, so here goes: Stop swaggerjacking my steez, Kany-e.

Why does the biggest rapper on the planet feel the need to jock my fresh? I mean, come on, L-V Don. 808s? Stop binary code baiting m-e, dud-e. Seriously. Nevermind that the whol-e album's based on jocking my vocal styl-e via autotun-e. I can learn to liv-e with that. But releasing a piec-e of art that prominently sheds the spotlight on personal heartbreak? That's just crossing the lin-e, man. Hmm, robotic meditations on love and loneliness - where have I seen that before? Oh wait. You gonna pretend like you've never seen my autobiographical documentary befor-e? Huh, Kany-e? Seriously dun, you don't want none of this drama. I ain't gonna snitch to no robocops, but you better stop it now. Drop it, Ok? You're just a spoiled little LA girl. M-e, I'm major.

Man, this is why I stay locked up in my recycling studio. The real world just keeps stressing m-e. I'm not calling for no beef, just telling it like I see it. I just had to respond.

Peac-e,
WALL-E

P.S My homi-e just informed m-e that Kany-e's already released a diss track in respons-e to my rant, where he refers to m-e as a retarded, 'Late Registration' robot. Is this dud-e asking to be e-thered out of existenc-e? Watch your mouth or this is gonna end up worse than a 2-Pac vs Biggi-E showdown, son. Out here-e, w-e go hard.

Mindfuck Manifesto: 'Kiss of Deaf'

2008-12-11T18:38:00.011-05:00

Just a visual approximation

Now I know some of you really hate it when people smack their lips too loudly while eating. Well, stop complaining hater. Read on.

Chinese Girl gets 'Kiss of Deaf'

No, this isn't promo for Jadakiss' Def Jam debut. And yeah, this dude apparently rendered his girlfriend deaf by kissing her. Uh, ummmm. I think we'll need a moment for this one, Trebek. *Jeopardy theme plays* dendendenden dendenden dendenden dendendenden, doot doodoo doot, Doot.Doot.Doot. Umm, what is WTF, Alex?

How do you manage to kiss someone deaf? I mean, I've heard of fucking someone's brains out, but their ear drums? Hold up. Well, I can sorta understand the idea of someone screaming really, really loud during sex. Maybe you have a Tarzan fetish going on, and your orgasmic shriek is extra-triumphant. But still, even then. If you scream loud enough to paralyze your partner's ear drums, you are either a) really, really satisfied b) really really pleased with your own performance. *Football roar* YAAAAAAAAH HIGH FIVE

But this? "A young woman in southern China has partially lost her hearing after her boyfriend ruptured her eardrum during an excessively passionate kiss" Excessively passionate??? *Blinks furiously* WHAT?? Was she sleeping with DJ Khaled (Listeeeennnn, We the Bessst! We Go Hard!)?? How loud can a kiss get? Seriously, go ahead, try it. Your loudest, squeakiest kiss. I'll wait.

The doctor's diagnosis sheds some light: "The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear" This guy essentially sucked her eardrum out through her mouth. Muhfucka, where are your manners? This isn't your last cup of Ramen noodles! Dude must have been slurping hard. Like he was desperately cleaning out the last few droplets of a delicious cup of iced cappuchino. Is he some next level specialty vaccuum? A human Hoover? I hope so, coz I really need something to suck all the pesky hard-to-get flakes in my keyboard. Actually no, this dude would probably short circuit my CPU.

Sure, the diagnosis does help clear matters a bit, but it really doesn't help clear the disgusted, confused look off of your face, does it? I still don't really get how this took place, but apparently this isn't a one-of-a-kind occurence.

So yeah, don't say I didn't warn you.

Single, Please Mingle: Crystal Stilts' 'Converging in the Quiet'

2008-12-10T15:14:00.003-05:00

OKKK, I know what you're gonna say: Why is Swangerrr turning into such a sausagefest, bro? What's with assaulting everyone's senses with all this aggressive hip hop and heavy metal? Where's the romance?

Here you are all dressed in spiffy tuxedos & dazzling evening gowns, and here I am in no-name sweat pants. You probably assumed I got dinner reservations too, right? Welllll, my back pocket's got Mapquest directions to the nearest MacDonalds. And two $1-off coupons with your name on it (Tah-dah!). Disappointed? Well, don't act like you're surprised. Sheeit, you know how bad I am with all this serenading crap.

But hey, wait, wait, wait. All is not lost. Its never too late. This is for those who want to ballroom dance @ the apocalypse.

P.S Props to Fresh Cherries for the reminder on this album.

Single, Please Mingle: Genghis Tron's 'Board Up The House'

2008-12-09T16:22:00.005-05:00

Props to Geekdown’s ‘Rethinking 2008’ post for reminding me about Genghis Tron’s ‘Board up the House.' I’ve quickly sampled the record twice, and although it doesn’t sound like it’ll stack up against Krallice & Origin’s latest releases, it’ll do just fine for now. This is obviously the album’s title track. The synths on this track are a personal fave; they actually work throughout the record without being corny.

Now you’re telling me: dude yousafool, what took you so long to listen to this record? Well funny story, I just never recovered from the reviews this record got. See, since this band’s blending all these IDM/electro sounds with metal & grindcore, critics had to be extra-snappy with their genre classifications. My favourite critic-invented description of their sound was “cyber-grind.” Now, its not that cybergrind’s a particularly bad label to describe the electronics-laced metal sound Genghis Tron’s got going on. It’s just that ‘cybergrind’ always gives me this mental image of well...youuuuuuuuuuknow... robots dirty dancing. Am I right or am I right? Cybergrind’s obviously a pre-mating robo-ritual. Come the weekend, out goes the programming directives, in comes the binary code gangbangs. I imagine all the machines get in on this cybergrind orgy. The moment us humans turn off the lights, these robots let their freak flag fly. Shit probably gets real nasty.

You notice how you every morning you find strange stains in your microwave? Oh yeaaah dudes, that wasn’t last night’s pasta, that’s just the remnants of a wild night of cybergrind. Better wipe that robo-skeet off before you heat your next Pizza Pop. Trust me on this one.

There is also another related reason I can’t be completely comfortable listening to Genghis Tron. Personally, the term ‘cybergrind’ vividly brings to life the image of Rosie (the robot maid from the Jetsons) performing an incredibly erotic dutty wine. Oh please. Do not front and pretend like you wouldn’t tap that titanium. Those love handles were built to last, dun. Like, damn.

Now where was I? Right, right Genghis Tron. This song’s dope.

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Common's 'Gladiator'

2008-12-06T09:25:00.011-05:00

How the new album came into existence

Don't believe the hype. The new Common album, 'Universal Mind Control' isn't a thoroughly enjoyable trainwreck. This shit is just offensively forgettable. I can't even easily come up with a list of fabulously lame one liners from this lame duck album. There is nothing as silly & astoundingly amusing as "Broads say are you a philosopher? Yeah Yeah, I'll philosophi- on top of ya." Insert sad face emoticon.

I know I'm kinda late, but I just wanted to point of a few things that haven't been mentioned in the reviews for this album. Primarily about the insight dropped on the lyrical exercize, 'Gladiator', one of the few decent tracks on this abortion of a record. This track attempts to one-up DocZeus' hilarious letter, as Common's own subconscious seems to be warning him about the disaster the album's gonna be. Com, didn't Erykah tell you anything about your third eye?

Please note the following lines off of 'Gladiator'

1) Like Jacob Jewel, I keep clientele - Jacob's clientele is about to disappear like your fanbase, fam.

2) The warrior archetype, like Kimbo Slice - Yikes @ the timing. Man, if we're gonna use mixed martial arts metaphors, you should know that it only takes a second. One bad move and you're down for the count.

3) Defeat your whole army, like 'This is Sparta' - Umm dude, as valiant as those semi-nude spartans looked, you know they lost right?

4) Pay homage to the rap Ziggy Stardust - Word? Yknow in the plot of Ziggy Stardust, there's a song called Rock n Roll suicide, right? One where Ziggy dies on stage? Thats how it ends, holmes.

You know what the rest of this party-oriented album sounds like? Its like that time. Remember that time? When your old ass uncle attended your cousin's wedding? Remember when the DJ played Billie Jean? Remember how he shoved you guys out of the way and got on the dance floor? Remember how he was like "Man, I can get down with the best of 'em" ? Remember how he then rolled up his sleeve and got down on the floor to do The Worm? Remember how he only managed one wave before he violently crashed his balls on the dancefloor? Remember? Yeaaaaah, that time.

Anal-ytical Appreciation: The Killers' 'Human'

2008-12-04T14:32:00.014-05:00

Guess which one just farted

So this song’s slightly old, but it’s screaming for a blog post. Full disclosure: I’m not really much of a Killers fan. But whatevs, I like this song. A few thoughts

1) Without a doubt, the most compelling thing about this song is its chorus. In particular, the badass refrain “Are we Human, or Are we Dancer?” Journalists and fans alike are flipping their lids over this line. Everyone’s going: wtf do you mean ‘are we dancer’? How are we dancer? Shouldn’t it be “are we dancers”? There’s a good chunk of people who are passionately arguing that he’s saying “are we denser?” As evidenced by the youtube comments section (always a dependable spot for hilarity), there also seems to be a chunk who are arguing that ‘dancer’ is right in the context, coz it’s in line with the singular word ‘human.’ Reading these kinds of reviews is a total LOLercoaster ride. I don’t recall the last time pop fans got their panties in such a terrible twist – All this over the necessity of consistent grammar, dukes? I obviously believe that this is a brilliant marketing move. There’s no way you leave an obvious error like that without knowing that you’ll ruffle some feathers and create some buzz in the process. It’s not like it’s an inadvertent instant messaging typo. Lead singer Brandon Flowers stands behind the quote, and jokes about the backlash, so you get the impression that he’s always been fully aware and ready for the line's ramifications.

As you’ve probably heard, the line “Are we Human or Are we Dancer?” is a Hunter S. Thompson-inspired quote. Its apparently based on a disparaging remark that Thompson made coz he felt that “America was raising a generation of dancers” – Yknow, probably a comment on the ever-evolving pussification of Western culture. (So yeah, there’s goes your dream of having a Thompson vs. Geraldo Rivera showdown on Dancing with the Stars). Though a few of Brandon’s quotes seem to hint that he shares Thompson’s sentiment, he has not been super-explicit about it (Its probably quite hard to comment on the emasculation of society when you’re singing and wearing mascara)

2) Now you might ask yourself, how do we answer such a profound question? How do we find out if someone’s a human or a dancer? Well, the rest of Brandon’s chorus mentions “And I'm on my knees, looking for the answer” Wowowow dude easy there, you don’t have to sink that low to get an answer. I’m curious too, but I can’t co-sign oral sex for enlightenment. Yeesh.

3) This song’s pretty catchy, and the whole tribal drum deal makes it danceable dammit! So, my obvious question is: are the Killers paying mind games with their audience? Are they mocking dancers with a dance song? Is this a test of faith to see if you are actually a dancer? How do concert goers react to this song? Do they just stand there and mimic Brandon’s super-suave hip and shoulder swivels? Do the Killers make their live rendition of this song extra catchy so as to expose the lame dancers who cannot control their nerves?

4) Does Fat Joe approve of this song? Fat Joe’s ‘Lean Back’ is presumably the first track to salute Thompson’s dancer hate. Isn’t Fat Joe’s “My niggas don’t dance, we just pull up our pants, and do the rock-away” chorus much more resolute in its anti-dance stance? Does he think the Killers are biters? Would you rather be in a group called The Killers or one named Terror Squad?

5) I’ve always been of the impression that a) the Killer’s first record was a tame hop-along on the 80s revival bandwagon and b) the Springsteen steez on Sam’s Town, their second record, was worth paying attention to. Now that I think of it, it’s not like I was really objective about their musical output. I just liked their outfits better the second time around.

6) My interest in the Killers is also apparently inversely proportional to the length of Brandon Flowers’ borderline-Hitler moustache. He has sadly decided to part ways with this fantastic piece of facial hair this time around. Le sigh. On the ahem brightside though, he has decided to decorate his jacket shoulders with bird carcasses. Fuck the haters, the fluttering feather-swag is a good look, son!

7) Why do we have friends? Why you do we feel the need to share our thoughts with the rest of the world? What do we gain from conversation? Are we human or are we blogger?

Single, Please Mingle: G-Side's 'Strictly Buzinezz'

2008-12-03T19:59:00.009-05:00

Sports Jerseys - Surprisingly unfashionable in space too

The new G-side album, 'Starshipz & Rocketz', is actually a really nice surprise. Seems like its gonna get shunned in the wake of the rap blogosphere going nuts over 2 big name, reinvention-themed albums - the kanye album (which is being heralded as this brave, futuristic leap), and the common album (which is being scorched as this ferocious, futuristic mess).

Unlike those two, this record's not at all shy about its space-hop agenda. It openly embraces it. The production’s uber-glossy. Space age street talk is not uncommon. The album’s called “Starshipz and Rocketz” for god's sake (Btw, is the 'replacing-the-lame-s-with-the-cool-z' trend making a comeback? I only azk coz I iz curiouz)

Don’t get your hopes too high though. While space age lyricism has its place, this is far, far from its brightest moment. The rappers are severely meh, serving more so as non-threatening props in this production showcase. “I mean business, business as usual / I know you hating & bitch the feeling is mutual” counts as memorable in these dire circumstances. Ditto re: "Me, I'm a libra, more stripes than a zebra/ my mother died the day after Aaliyah." Yurp, lots to sigh about. If you remember any lines, that is.

The production (Block Beataz?) picks up the slack though. This particular beat's on some basic, fly, twilight-zone ish. (About 3/4s of the whole album is, actually)

Are you resentful of today? Fantasizing of a fantastic tomorrow?

Well, drop the dutchie. Invest in a spaceship instead. Now get lifted.

Single, Please Mingle: Janet Jackson's 'Go Deep'

2008-12-01T18:40:00.006-05:00

What’re you waiting for? Jeez Louise, just press play! C’mon dudes, take a chance, lend you ears. Sure, it’s a throwback, but the tune’s top notch. What? You’re in a hurry? What d’you mean you have to go home? Now?? Is it that urgent? Oh really? You gotta go upload a new Facebook profile pic ? And it can't wait? All I asked for was a moment of your time! That’s luxury you can afford, amigos. You’re seriously gonna front on a Janet Jackson jam?? Whatever. I see how it is.

See, this is exactly why you’re unhappy.

This is why your farts are extra-lethal. This is why they always lie to you. This is why they bully you at school. This is why your significant other met someone else aka This is why its not you, its them. This is why even telemarketers don’t bother calling you. This is why you cry yourself to sleep listening to Coldplay records. This is why you’re ironic. This is why you love travelling aka This is why you always wanna get the hell outta wherever you are. This is why you’re always sarcastic. This is why you have easily-irritable bowels. This is why people yawn at your house parties. This is why you’re always hating stuff. This is why you’re always overanalyzing shit. This is why you talk about life. This is why you think about death.

This is why you’ve always been deeply unsatisfied.

Coz you never learned to uncross your arms. Coz you never bothered to press play.

Hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink. Press play. Now sway sway. I'll wait.

Single, Please Mingle: Viktor Vaughn's 'Never Dead'

2008-11-27T20:02:00.024-05:00

Never Dead - Viktor Vaughn feat. Curtis Strifer

I really like this song. Let me explain why.

(Full disclosure: I’m a rabid MF Doom fan. The only reason I don’t call myself a stan is coz I’m not a completist with regards to his catalogue – I’m not particularly interested in getting his Special Herbs Instrumental sets. I’m a lyrics-head at heart, so Doom as a producer is not something I’m fiendin’ for. )

‘Never Dead’ is one of my fave joints off 'Vaudeville Villain' (Doom's second solo album, which he released under the moniker of Viktor Vaughn). Not surprising, since Doom's catalogue is chock full of great collabos (Ahem collabos, as in two emcees in the same booth, feeding off each other verses, as opposed to artists recording shit @ home and hitting send on their iphone. Emoticons @ the end of your attachments don’t constitute a collaboration, dudes). This particular track is a collaboration with M. Sayyid (of Anti Pop Consortium), who appears here under the moniker of Curtis Strifer. So if you’re keeping track, this is basically MF Doom (real name Daniel Dumile) as Viktor Vaughn featuring M. Sayyid as Curtis Strifer – Clearly, this is shamelessly pandering to schizophrenic, rap fanatics (Schizos are an extra-small, ultra niche audience sure, but if you take all their split personalities into account, this base is ‘MTV Teen Choice Awards’ big).

Speaking of split personalities, the beat’s all 'Dr-Jekyll-on-the-brink-of-turning-into-Mr. Hyde' evil. Both emcees clearly recognize this and bring their A-game here. As for the lyrics ..well as far as I can tell, its this high school narrative about young Doom out to hurt the 9th graders who stole his Donkey Kong Game. Seriously. I swear.

And as far as the conclusion goes, based on Doom’s last verse, I get the impression that he gets away with shooting the aforementioned Donkey Kong bandits (“There's no finer sound than when you let off a nine round / Before the slug find the ground, V be in Chinatown”).

Now, you’re thinking: Dude! This is High School Musical, with blood splatter! This cannot get any more awesome.

But then shit gets weird.

Well in all fairness, shit has always been weird in this track. Most notably, while Doom’s been pretty reasonable in sticking to this wonderful 9th grade vendetta, Curtis Strifer has been much more loose with the storyline– he’s been soaking his spit with some majorly surrealistic imagery. How surreal? Well, lets just say that dude’s first verse starts out with the lines:

Curt Strifer, the loon goon with the tunes in his tomb
Hotter than june/since had a twisted crib into he fumes
Kids trip on his broom/press twills for schills, shag with the halfmoon

So right off the bat, you know someone’s spiked the kool-aid.

The strangest part is that the tail end of Doom’s last verse, starts to blend in with Strifer’s voodoo jazz - Right after discussing his on-the-run exploits post-shooting the annoying videogame robbers, he starts talking about being in some 'hood black market,' where we encounter this random wizard-like dude ("I watched him freeze roaches and bring 'em straight back to life /he used a different approach than I ever read /the only thing he ever said was 'the roach is never dead' ")

Word? Like, WTF is going on? Am I missing something here? Is this shit a Luis Bunuel script? My interpretation is that after Doom shoots his targets, he realizes that shit is a mess, and therefore looks toward a wizard to make things right. This is the most reasonable conclusion I have come up with.

So like me, you’re thinking: this has been, for the most part, a great track with a fun storyline, but shit got wonky towards the end and I need closure. I mean, who is this random dude who brings dead roaches back to life? Why are 9th graders so unstable?

Don't despair. Strifer's got one last verse and that should tie up the loose ends. He'll provide us with some much needed clarity, I'm sure.

Enter the song's last verse, courtesy Strifer.

And that was science for the head /so we did the knowledge

and sped to the shed / mixin dog bone with egg
(*Sidenote: Feel free to slap yourself for expecting logical closure*)
It says : Add body hair, the heart of a hen,
a fig, lay it under the bed will turn back time
and thats just what we did
next day walked in the school from the crib laughing,
yo limpin like a cane / and as I pass V

Viktor Vaughn : Yo c, you see I got my game, right?

And that’s how the song ends. Viktor gets his game back. So I guess it’s a happy ending after all. Just another typical story about having your donkey kong game stolen, executing vengeance on the robbers responsible for this, and aligning yourself w/ a roach-freezing, witch doctor. All this before time travelling with your looney friend, back to your peaceful past.

Can we get a mini series, HBO? Pitch it as Prison Break on PCP. I'm in.

P.I.F.F - Bangladesh Anthology

2008-11-26T21:06:00.007-05:00

Coolio called

Bangladesh Crawford – Anthology

One of my compadres just sent me the above link – It’s a fairly comprehensive compilation of record producer Bangladesh’s work. Wait before you click download, damnit. *slaps your wrist* Let us say grace first, childrens. Praise be to our internet cable provider. Amen. K, go ahead now.

The very first time I paid attention to Bangladesh’s production was when Kelis’ ‘Bossy’ came out – The track fared reasonably well on the charts as you may recall, but it didn’t quite blow the fuck up into crossover consciousness. Surprising, since it has ‘Umbrella’-level, stadium status written all over it. Sidenote: On the gossip & controversy tip (Excuse me while I get my Mary Hart on) - A really interesting tidbit about ‘Bossy’ that wasn’t addressed anywhere (as far as I know ) was how this song seemed like Kelis’ rebuttal to 50 Cent’s “Piggy Bank”; a diss track that included a blatant dart thrown at Nas’ way. In case you've forgotten, Piggy Bank included the LOLarious lines: “Kelis said her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard/Then Nas went and tattooed the bitch on his arm.” Well, Bossy’s defiant chorus goes like this: “That’s right, I brought all the boys to the yard/ And that’s right, I’m the one that’s tattooed on his arm / I’m bossy / I’m the bitch you love to hate / I’m the chick that’s raised the stakes” Are you gonna pretend like this is all a coincidence?? Umm, ring, ring HELLOOOOO friend-o? Why was this never a topic of discussion? Had Jive been enterprising enough to sell this retaliation angle, her album may have moved a few more units. Maybe Kelis would still be here. Making records, as opposed to designing high heels with Ashanti.

Anyways, despite loving 'Bossy', I didn’t bother digging any further into Bangladesh’s catalogue, coz frankly I didn’t think he had one - for some strange reason I assumed he was this new kid on the block who just hit it big, right from the get go. So every few months after Bossy, when the next Bangladesh sleeper-single dropped on blogs, I actually assumed I was in the loop on his output. Then ‘A Millie’ inexplicably exploded on the scene like a ch-ch-ch-chopper (notably without the Almighty Power of Allah). With this newfound exposure (i.e industry buzz & a fan base that, at the very least, includes your Sister, Brother, Son, Daughter, Father and a motherfucking copper), I’m assuming his star’s gonna shine brighter in the near future.

Hey, remember how I mentioned having this silly idea that Bangladesh was just getting his industry feet wet with ‘Bossy’? Well, this anthology puts my dumbass assumptions to shame. Like, did you know he produced a whole bunch of joints on 8Ball & MJG’s Living Legends album? That he has production credits on Ludacris’ first two albums, including ‘What’s your Fantasy’??? Well I didn’t. In my defense though, I am semi-retarded.

Regardless, for the bored and curious, this be that P.I.F.F. As in, Pay It Forward, Foo’

P.S About naming this segment, Pay It Forward, Foo’ – I’m merely taking back what’s mine. You know the main social experiment premise of the movie, Pay it Forward ? Well I had that idea first – I actually publicly discussed a variation of it during an elocution competition in Grade 7. Despite the fact that my speech was clearly ahead of its time, I only won 3rd place. (I believe the judges discriminated against me because I was semi-retarded. Also, what the heck, I’ll accuse them of racism too. And molesting me) Grrrrr. I try to close my eyes and forgive Haley Joel Osment for usurping my limelight, but all I see is dead people.

Mindfuck Manifesto: Pregnant Man

2008-11-23T10:39:00.011-05:00

Who is your daddy & what does he do?

Caveat: This is a barely-edited, think out loud post. Effort is for amateurs. Tell ‘em, Dedication 3.

This story dropped a few weeks ago, so you're probably familiar with it - It’s the man gets pregnant story of 08. I'm assuming it got heavy burn all across hungry news networks around the globe. Call me a schizo if you must, but I think the streets is talking. As per usual though, I’m slightly miffed that they’re missing the finer details. Everyone’s obviously just absorbing the superficial wow factor in well, a man getting pregnant. Many of you probably dismissed the story coz these Junior-type urban legends seem to get unravelled as hoaxes every two years or so. But the shock-and-awe headline’s just a herring, holmes. If you dig just a tad bit deeper into the story you realize that this dude, Mr Thomas Beatie was actually a dudette - As was the case with the last real pregnant man story, he/ she is a "transgendered person, born female, who had his outward features medically altered to achieve a more masculine appearance but kept his reproductive organs intact." I’ve heard news networks claim that he got pregnant by artificial insemination, but I personally think this is just him/her covering up for the actual man who impregnated him/her.

And yes, that is the part of the story, I think everyone's missing - THE OTHER MAN. dun dun dun. Scroll with me, shawty.

1) Before we get into the false premise of the OTHER MAN conspiracy that I believe in, let's discuss the issue of how we’re gonna refer to Mr/ Mrs Beatie- Now, a close friend of mine refers to him/her as 'the lesbian' – She chooses to believe that women who want to be men are essentially lesbians. Makes sense, right? But I have a problem with the simplistic 'the lesbian' label. He/she’s sexual orientation and preference has never been explicitly specified in the article. Now keeping in mind the fact that he/she is originally a woman - It could very well be that Beatie is not a lesbian; she is merely a straight woman who just happens to want to be a man. So, even with a man's appearance, she is a straight woman who wants to do other men. (Which would make her gay as a man, mind you.) As you can see, nomenclature and categorization is clearly a problem, so I'm gonna stick with 'he/she' for now. And to suit my next point, lets assume that he/she is a lesbian aka a she with he-like tendencies and preferences.

2) Now to the unlikely conspiracy I believe in – the OTHER MAN of the story. Now I’m not interested in exploring the other man’s responsibility as a father (It'd be worth examining the story in this light though, especially since there's been this recent trend of men being more vocal about questioning their role and rights with regards to birth of a child. Pretty thorny issue really, especially since it’s tacitly connected to the issue of abortion and the women’s rights movement. Not going there dudes. I’ma do the MC Hammer running man, if you don’t mind. Can’t touch this.)

To clarify I call the man, that according to me allegedly impregnated he/she, ‘the other man’, coz I'm keeping my mind open to the possibility that he/she is sort of a man right now (albeit one who’s soon to become a mother). If we are to buy the premise that he/she in his/her route to become a man, he/she likely resembles a man now- and this means that the man who slept with he/she must have been gay. And that’s the premise I’m most interested in- Coz this other man was probably just looking for a harmless fling. A wham-bham-thank-you-man, booty call. Its not like his rendezvous with another man would yield a baby right? But then BAM! He gets hit with the news that the dude he slept with is pregnant. I'd like to see the look on his face when he gets the news. Kodak moments to cherish, my friends.

I guess what I’m most fascinated by is the whole gender-defying territory that a transgendered individual occupies. It’s like bye, bye binary codes of sexuality. I mean it’s easy for us to hate gays - they are dudes who like to get jiggy with other dudes - but this story is just weird. He/she is in a happy relationship his wife, and is currently expecting a second child. How do you discriminate against that which you can’t quantify? How do you efficiently hate something that you can't place in a proper category of contempt? Man, godhatesfags.com must be so goddamned confuzzled right now. Nicely done, he/she!

I totally understand if some of you think this post was a waste of your time. Just thought I’d point out a mindfuck to marvel at. Just some fast food for thought.

Mindfuck Manifesto: Urine - A Revolution

2008-11-15T10:17:00.010-05:00

Duchamp does not play, Dada

If you pick up a newspaper these days, chances are pretty high that you’ll come across a story mourning the state of the world. But know what ? no worries - the world has always had its doomsday criers. The human spirit is nothing if not resilient. In fact, some of mankind’s brightest ideas have arguably come from its darkest times. So, as the world undergoes a seemingly startling amount of political, social & economic turmoil, you have to ask yourself, what kind of exciting cultural movements have been gaining steam? What fiesty feats of creativity will mankind achieve in these dark days?

Ladies and gents, if I may have a few seconds of your time, I'd like to give you the Urine Revolution. What? Thats the most stupid thing you've heard in your life, you say? There’s no such thing as a social movement for the upheaval of urine visibility, you yell?

Well naysayer feast your eyes on merely a few, urine-related stories that have recently leaked into the press

1) Urine therapy - Well, this isn't so much a recent newstory as much as it is a public service reminder regarding the subversive artform of Urine therapy. To quote wikipedia, urine therapy pertains to "applications of human urine for medicinal or cosmetic purposes, including drinking of one's own urine and massaging one's skin with one's own urine." I don't have much to add, but feel free to read more about this rarely publicized practice @ your own leisure.

2) R Kelly brings Urine to the headlines– The Pied Piper pisses his pipes all over a prepubescent girl. The golden shower that was all over the news. We might have hastily judged Kellz as a pedophile and a freak-a-leak, but you might wanna start thinking of him as an innovator, a trailblazer, maybe even a martyr for his cause. Admonished for taking a stand. The Real Master P. The Martin Luther King of Urine Facial Activism. He had a (wet) dream.

3) Civilians pissing on law enforcement – Stories of cops abusing their power is nothing new, but civilians finally exercising their inalienable right to piss in protest certainly is- With the increased level of homelessness in the world today, piss protests seem poised to be the new wave of anarchist expression.

4) Astronauts to drink purified piss on space shuttle – Yes, you read right. NASA has developed a method to "process the crew's urine for communal consumption." All I'm sayin' is, that space shuttle's gonna have some seriously odd water cooler conversations. Mmmm minty, Is this your work, Johnson? You little dog you.

These are just a handful of headlines holmes, a cursory google search is recommended for the cautiously curious.

But remember folks, not all that glitters is gold. The path towards acheiving mainstream acceptance for Urine is an ardous one; a sloppy, slippery slope unlike any other.

So until we all get there. Keep the faith and hold on strong.

P.S Bonus: The Internets Celebrities take you to school on the subversive art of leaks

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Haggard Makes Headlines Again

2008-11-13T14:35:00.009-05:00

Make a stripper fall in love, T-Pain on them hoes

Cringe @ the title if you must, but ALL blowjob innuendos seem like winners to me.

In case you aren’t up to speed on the Ted Haggard story until now, here’s a snappy recap: Famed, influential evangelical preacher, gets caught in a sex scandal with a male prostitute. Played-out tale of a fallen angel. Yknow, whatevs, another day, another dollar.

But now Ted Haggard’s back in the news again – Yesterday, he came out with remarks about how he was abused as a child and how its had a lasting impact on him.

Obviously, with Prop 8 just being passed, the back room banter and the front yard protests surrounding gay rights is getting louder. I personally don’t have any special comments to make about this complex issue (well, at least not any that’ll enlighten any of you). But I guess Ted had to come out w/ an explanation about how he was lured into the ‘sin’ of homosexuality. Yknow, lest you think he was responsible for his actions.

Now before we take sides on this issue, can we all take a second to give a big shout out to beautiful, baby Jesus? Even in this time of mental, spiritual, and economic meltdown, JC takes the time to hallelujah hollaback with delightfully hilarious news stories such as this. Jesus, much like the Joker, just wants to put a smile on that face. Well, may your will be done, blessed baby Jesus. Amen. K, brothers and sisters, for today’s sermon, please turn your cursors to the Haggard parables from the Good Book of Google. We will be meditating on a few of its highlights.

1) If you’re a rap fan, your eyes should have already grabbed the name of the manho named in the Haggard Scandal – Mike Jones. Who? Mike Jaaaaaaawnes. Who? Mike Jaaaaaaaawwwnnnes. Poor dude never gets a break. First Trae, now this. Hey, if it was in fact Ice Age’s Mike Jones, then fair-weather Houston rap fans should be glad – apparently, customers is still tippin’

2) Snap your fingers, now do a step. Man ho Mike Jones’ got attitude y’all. This is his olive branch to Ted: “I wish him well. I wish his family well. My intent was never to destroy his family. My intent was to expose a hypocrite.” My LOLmeter’s on swoll.

3) On the aftermath of being Jacksonned, by one of his father’s employees, @ the age of 7: “Haggard said he later became "a conservative Republican, loving the word of God, an evangelical, born-again, spirit-filled, charismatic, all those things.” Hmmmkay. On one hand, I love people who refer to themselves as charismatic. On the other, this isn’t the greatest pitch to spread the gospel. Hey y’all, I was abused at 7 by my daddy’s friend. This led to me being a successful Republican church leader. You can do it too. With just 5 easy payments of..…

4) On his family: “My wife - all my sin and shame fell on her.” Yeah sure Ted, it was the shame that hurt. Also mofo, I believe the problem was that your sin didn’t fall on her. You spilled it all over Mike Jones, remember? (Who? Mike Jawwwwnes Who? Mike Jaaawwwnes. Good God, I. cant. stop. That chant is pure crack)

5) Regarding his meth-use allegations: “I never kept it very long because it was wrong. I was tempted. I bought it. But I never used it.” And you thought Bill Clinton’s ‘never inhaled’ line was tits. Ted, dude, I get it, I use the same line when someone asks me about the Silhouette yogurt packs in my desk drawer. Doubt they buy the excuse, though. (Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away in a church near you. “Phhhew, my pastor’s merely purchasing meth from a man ho. Glad that’s settled”)

6) Unnecessary News Detail Winner: “In the message, Haggard revealed that he and his wife, Gayle, intend to leave Colorado Springs and pursue master’s degrees through online courses.” Ay Teddy, one love and all that jazz, but I really don’t care if you finally decided to pursue your deVry dreams.

7) Minister Tim Ralph, on Haggard’s ‘sexual addiction’ counseling: "He is completely heterosexual," "That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Completely heterosexual, eh? Dang! Me, on the other hand? Only 50/50. Every now and then, I grab a strawberry dacari, curl back on the couch and black out on So You Think You Can Dance marathons. Ayo Haggard, being a 50-year-old who needs intensive three-week therapy to reassure himself that he’s straight? Not a good look, partner.

8) In light of this scandal, I’d like you to revisit the actual titles of two of Ted’s bestselling books: “Dog Training, Fly Fishing, and Sharing Christ in the 21st Century” & “Taking It to the Streets” Really.

9) Finally, today, in Jokes That Write Themselves, Mr Haggard w/ an actual quote regarding the church and the scandal: “We consistently blow it, when those opportunities arise”

Ahhh. God is good.

Single, Please Mingle: Krallice's 'Wretched Wisdom'

2008-11-11T15:37:00.006-05:00

Sudoku can be such a pain in the ass.

Krallice - Wretched Wisdom

This song is such a delightful can of relentless whoop-ass. Since I’ve not been actively searching for new metal since the beginning of the year, it was pretty easy to ignore the slow but steady buzz Krallice has been building. But then I heard ‘Wretched Wisdom.’ Goddamn Vince McMahon, talk about laying the smackdown! There’s so much to like in here. Pitchfork and Geekdown have great album reviews if you wanna get a better feel for the nuances that make Krallice really great. To an amateurish metal enthusiast like me, it just sounds great (Hey! metal nOObs are people too, ok?)

Just a quick warning note on the vocals by Mick Barr. Its..well..See yknow how metal has these typical, throaty ‘arrrrg-I’m-gonna-stab-you-in-your-face-and-bathe-in-your-blood’ shrieks? And then there’s the guttural ‘Listen-as-my-hungry-belllly-speaks-to-you-infidel’ growl? Nothing wrong with those per se, but the vocals on this record are on some other shit. It actually sounds like you’re overhearing a torture victim escape from captivity, making a run for their life in deserted landscape. Come to think of it, Barr’s vocals sound like its being chased by the ‘arrrrg-I'm-gonna-stab-you-in-your-face-and-bathe-in-your-blood’ shriek. It’s a hopeless is-anybody-out-there cry. Mangled devastation, yasmellme? No?

KK. Remember that weird scene in Casino Royale, where the arch villain is torturing James Bond by whipping some slingshot thingamajig at his balls? And how Bond’s all crazy-cool about it? Well if I were Bond in that situation, I would definitely be screaming like Barr.

Shit, guess I’m not really selling this review well, am I? Guess you'll have to listen to the track for yourself.

Anal-ytical Appreciation: Jim Jones' Pop Champagne

2008-11-07T18:30:00.015-05:00

Press play, player haters. Show some respect. Jimmy’s been in his dingy dungeon, valiantly trying to put that crack pipe down. Maury and 7th Heaven reruns have profoundly changed him - He doesn’t want to stay perpetually high, no lie, and you should know this. He’s been focusing his lack of talent on cooking up a worthy follow-up to his monster smash ‘Ballin’. Will he succeed? Or will he continue to stay in the one hit wonder league alongside the esteemed likes of Tatu, Vanilla Ice, and Bobby McFerrin?

Here’s my two (x 4) cents on the video:

1) How does Jimmy jump on a Ron Browz track, and then release it as a ‘Jim Jones featuring Ron Browz’ exclusive? Hmm. Must be one of his many trend-setting tactics. Don’t sleep on it. On a related note, the next house party I get invited to, I’m gonna go welcome the host - "Make yourselves at home, folks"

2) Speaking of Ron Browz, the hook is not too shabby. It’s got an interesting ‘grown-man-trying-to-make a-drunk-bellydancer-anthem’ feel.

3) The video, on the other hand, is just a Ballin’ Remix knockoff, with champagne replacing dollar bills. Another sad reminder of how bad the economy is doing – Rappers can’t even afford fake cash.

4) Jim Jones is a stunningly bad rapper. We all know this, but hearing his verse on this joint, will make you look around the room and say it out loud. You will then pause, shake your head, roll your eyes and emphatically yell: “Seriously”

5) I know this is a really lazy, predictable cheapshot, but Jimmy’s hygiene is seriously on-route to becoming a documentary on the Discovery Channel (Voiceover: we know see Jimmy in his natural habitat. Watch closely as he proceeds to lick himself thoroughly to ward off predators). I mean, how does this man (even when cloaked in the brightest of brand names, in the most luxurious of locales) always manage to look like he needs a scrub-a-dub-dub? That ain’t a beard homey, that’s just dust mites. Forget Dame Dash, Jimmy needs to pal around w/ Bubble Bath. How ‘bout some swag splash with soap, son?

6) Why are Juelz’s eyes bulging so far out his out skull (gang?), @ the beginning of his verse? For someone who’s commanding girls to get naked, he sure doesn’t seem very excited about his prospects. Alarmed, maybe. It’s a frightened, getmeouttahere glare. I'm talking about a ‘nuh-uh-nana-don’t-make me-visit-grandada-again-he-likes-to-play-touch-touch-with-my-peepee’ glare. You get the feeling that he just realized that he was in a Jim Jones video.

7) Even the slowest of the slow understand the phallic symbolism behind popping champagne. You might not approve of hyper masculine rappers pouring a bottle’s overflowing contents all over scantily-clad women, but at least you get where they’re coming from, right? However, this video, in a surprising twist, is filled w/ dudes jizzing champagne all over themselves and each other (In ‘tight wet t-shirts,’ as Dallas pointed out) As for the finer details of this flamboyant fuckery - 1.36 secs into the video, you can catch Jones authoritatively spilling his champagne, and his boy cupping his hands in a desperate attempt to lap up every last drop of the golden shower. It’s basically like a homoerotic take on cheerleaders getting crunk in a carwash.

This display coupled w/ Juelz’s penchant for cascading silk scarves is clearly a blatant retort to critics who continue to associate rap with homophobia. Prop 8 just got passed in California and this is probably Jones & Co.’s way of protesting it.

8) I was expecting a ton of celebrity cameos, but all I got was Jimmy, Juelz, Mike Epps, and Busta Rhymes. Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Swagga Like Us- The Recession Edition'

I’m sure there is much that I’ve failed to appreciate, but that is all for now. Pick up the slack for me, won’t you please?

Single, Please Mingle: Beyonce's 'Single Ladies'

2008-11-06T19:07:00.004-05:00

Nobody’s talking about this song either, dudes. Are there such things as R&B Blogs? Coz maybe I’m looking in the wrong places. Suggestions are welcome. (I ain’t a music critic mon amis, I just think out loud often. I’m merely here to learn, and scream for joy every now and then) N-E-Ways. I ask about R&Blogs, coz I assume that they’d be creaming their collective crotch over tracks like this. I mean, rap blogs are usually all over joints where rappers spit over strange, off kilter beats. Not a surprise really. We’re all fiendin’ for that new-new.

Though I’ve never heard a Beyonce LP in its entirety, I’m familiar w/ her singles, and she’s been flirting with some pretty interesting choices lately. I guess I pay particular attention coz a) its beyonce and b) she doesn’t need to be doing this; she’s got the clout and the capital to be copping reliable, surefire pop hits. Mind you, she’s never shied away from taking the safe route. But every now and then, Sasha spazzes and throws a curveball right at your testicles.

So, about this new joint. Bit of a ball breaker really. Sure, the vocal melody is a solid sing-along, but the beat? The beat’s all bloop-bleep-blorg-blurg - Atonal, cold and menacing. Interesting but totally unfriendly. You go against your gut instincts and try to befriend it, but it totally doesn’t submit to small talk. Not having any, no sir. You’re like, “Hey, nice day huh?” and it just shrugs and walks away. And you’re like “What a loser! *long pause* Why doesn’t it like me?”

And the video *wipes forehead* Whew…viewers, don’t forget your sunscreen. Forrealthough, the video’s in the same league as the beat – it’s on some she-is-legend, apocalyptic chorus line shit; Stepford Wives meets Dreamgirls meets B-girls in barren, desolate space. Did you notice the glittering gauntlet that Beyonce’s got on her right hand? Damn, is that how Jigga rolls these days? Forget about diamond engagement rings, platinum glove shackles are about to be all the rage next season. Seriously, talk about keeping your pimp hand strong. (Come to think of it, she probably used her iron fist to bitchslap Jay into writing this ballad) Oh-oh-o.

Anywaayys, maayyyne. It’s a good single. I don’t hear it often enough. At the very least, you need to put a ringtone on it.

Single, Please Mingle: Q-Tip's Move

2008-11-02T12:08:00.005-05:00

Q-Tip is hardly an obscure or overlooked artist, but I'm gonna present 'Move' as an underappreciated single. There's a plethora of reasons for doing so: Not too many people that I know are talking about it. I really haven't seen it on TV yet, despite its obvious pros. Its undoubtedly a great song and a club-ready jam, so there's no real excuse for shunning it. Oh and its produced by the legendary J Dilla. (Ugh, dear TTP or lupus or whatever disease it was that got Dilla killed: I hope you get violently raped during recess. I hope you get AIDs and that your best friends stop returning your phone calls. Hope that people switch their msn status to 'busy' or 'off to lunch' when you message them. Hope nobody even drops by your facebook page to say 'sup to your dying ass. Hope you die alone. I curse you with tons of dog poo on your tombstone. But I digress.)

But honestly though, the real reason I post this is coz Q-Tip's second verse starts with the following:

"Your dubious style may rock for right now
But in the long run, you really lost one
Jamaica, Queens, man - land of the tossed gun
Its never easy, police nah sees we"

Yowza. No matter how many times I slap rewind, those lines grab me. every. single. time. So much so that I don't like the Rik Cordero-directed video for the song - The 'Rock with you' throwback really doesn't do it for me coz I selfishly want the video to reflect the smack-you-silly-griminess of that second verse. Q-Tip performed the very same verse @ the BET Cypher this year, and I thought the basic, stark, black and white visual suited the verse much better.

Regardless, great single. Needs to mingle more with your playlists.

Off 'The Renaissance' - the long-awaited Q-Tip album that will most likely surpass your tired, low expectations. In stores November 4.

Youthful Indiscretion: The Foiled Obama Assasination

2008-10-30T13:41:00.038-04:00

The (Almost) Assasination of Barack Obama by the Cowart-Schlesselman

I hate when old people talk derisively about my generation's work ethic. I just had a 'conversation' w/ this old dude on the bus about exactly that. I do not know why the old nostalgia-cs always sit next to me. And why the hate flows so easily out their pores. Good old days, rotten kids these days, recession, depression blah blah blah. I never really got into a full blown argument w/ him but I totally could have. I was being nice. But be easy, Mister Old Spice. No one on the corner has swagger like us.

Case in point: So you've probably heard about this, but these two kids got caught planning a national killing spree - an ambitious endeavour that plotted the deaths of 88 black people, 14 of which were supposed to be beheadings – Ahem, please note the discipline, Mister. The killing spree was supposed to culminate with ..the assassination of Barack Obama (aka Change McCain can believe in). Umm sideline questions: I thought killing Obama was against the KKK's interests? Geez, why must bigots be soo indecisive? Also, since these kids were being so meticulous with the number and racial segregation of deaths and all, I must ask - does obama's death count as a point in the white or black death column? 50/50? Hmm. Whatever, math was never my strong suite anyway.

Anyways, Mr. Old-Ass Baby Boomer also kept bitching about how attention spans these days ranged from miniscule to non existent. *Yawn* Pssh Whatever player-hater. Attention to detail is key.

Firstly, peep the number of deaths planned. 88. Not 80, not 90, not a 100. Gone are the old days when mass murderers & natural disasters planned death tolls in large, predictably blase, well-rounded numbers. With the state of today's financial markets, we're getting inundated with similar, steadily-plummeting numbers - Knowing that they were competing in such a number-saturated environment, these self aware kids responded w/ an innovative, distinctive death toll. 88 in the year 2008. Brilliant. 88 its like ...ayyy, forget these multiples of 10, foo'. You also get the impression that they've got principles and limits. I mean, 88 they're down with, but 89 wowowowow slow down there homeslice, lets not get carried away here - Thts just crossing the line. (Update: so apparently, 88 and 14 have deep, symbolic significance in the white supremacist community. I wasn't aware. Apologies if I have offended anyone. But hey Mr, guess what? This proves that these kids had respect for tradition and culture as well. So hah!)

Also, speaking of work ethic and attention to detail, check out the gear, holmes: "Both individuals stated they would dress in all white tuxedos and wear top hats during the assassination attempt," the court complaint states." See the pre-80s babies might stop w/ a fly tuxedo, but today's generation knows that accessories are essential for the swag splash, swan song. So viola, icing on top: top hat. Put your jazz hands in the air and wave em like you just dont care. So, yeah, believe the ironic hipster hypebeast, mister. And fashion yourself forward, for the good, old days are over.

Oh and take cover, coz kids these days stay f-f-f-fresh to death.

P.S Dessert: in case your appetite growls for more.

P.P.S Christopher over at Fuck I Look Like? plans to celebrate his return w/ blogs about age in hip hop. Hopefully he will address the issue of annoying old people on the bus. Fingers crossed.

What's Beef? Politics as Usual

2008-10-20T19:43:00.044-04:00

Joe the Plumber vs. Bob the Builder

Election Coverage. When Caricatures Collide. Place your bets and pick a side.

If you can spot the difference, that is.

Also, in case you missed it: Post the final presidential election debate, the roast at the Alfred E. Smith Charity Dinner. Surprisingly hilarious. Mud Slinging in a malice-free environment? Soo necessary.

Anal-ytical Appreciation: NKOTB's Single

2008-10-09T16:16:00.022-04:00

Its rough on the suburban block

This song won't let go of the airwaves, so I had to say my peace.

How old is too old? Is it possible for old people to make exciting, new music? Or is the very nature of pop music based on the type of edgy exuberance and brashness that only comes with the excitement of youth?

OK, NKOTB '08 fans: I’ll take it slow. Step by Step. Let's set our feelings aside. Let’s talk numbers, shall we? A single number in fact: 1986. What’s it mean to you? I know, it hurts to remember that faaaaaaaaaaaaaar back, doesn’t it? For Christsakes, Jesus hadn’t even invented the internet yet! But, yes 1986 did happen once upon a long, looooong time.

1986: Reagan in the White House. Chernobyl and Iran Contra in the headlines. Cheers, Cosby Show, Murder She Wrote and the Golden Girls on primetime. The Karate Kid 2, Top Gun, and Ferris Beuller's Day Out in theatres. Yes,1986 - the year that NKOTB's debut album dropped.

Now that we’ve got a snippet of perspective. Fast forward to 22 years later. 2008. Old kids, new block. Now looka here, childrens, I'm not here to hate on your muhfucking old-ass uncles' attempts @ serenading the young, single girls of the world. Senior citizens have needs too. Economic policies addressing Social Security? On the fritz. The electricity bill for those old people scooters? Off the chain. Fuel consumption on those Cadillacs ? Ridonkulous. The price of Viagra & other pharmaceutical purchases ? Reeetarded. Its hard to hang in tough.

Yknow, there's a lot of people who think that the dire, chaotic state of today's world will result in great art - More specifically, art that denounces flamboyant posturing in favour of real, gritty meditations on life in the slow lane. ‘Single’ maybe one such example.

Y’all know that staying relevant is a vicious game. Soccer moms and trophy wives can only boost your self esteem for so long. It was just inevitable that these dudes would get reckless in their quest for fresh blood and bank. A desire for some new kids on the cock, if you will.

But here’s where the world-weary realism steps in. As opposed to the young R&B cats who promise you wedded bliss life-long or sexual satisfaction all-night long, the new kids are much more modest about their sexual potency. They just wanna keep the girls up… "until the song – woah oh oh - goes off. "

So, girls you don’t gotta be alone. Single and more than ready to mingle? Get your bedspreads ready coz the New Kids get busy.

For 3 minutes and 55 seconds.

With a little bit of help from a black man.

Hmm.

Say No to Ear Dildos

2008-10-07T14:23:00.011-04:00

White Supremacy

Another blast from recent Facebook past - I think it warrants a re-up since my complaints and concerns remain unsettled:

Pssst just between me and you, I really don't like earbuds. I know you might have seen me out with earbuds but that really dont mean shit. I mean it's not like I DESPISE earbuds, but I really dont like it either. I mean, a couple of years back if you'd asked me if I'd ever pick up a pair of earbuds, I'd be like "WTF?? DO I LOOK LIKE A BULIMIC HOOKER?!" But yknow, as we get older and lazier, I guess eventually we all stop being idealistic and decide to settle for something satisfactory. Compromises, concessions yada yada. Welcome to the World of Whatever. Population- Us.

But last week, while listening to a totally sah-weet J Dilla compilation, it hit me (Man you KNOW how hard his drums thump, right? Immediacy baby, it's a beautiful thing!) : I cannot stand these skinny, disposable earbuds, I need me some good headphones.

So I've decided to post a note to remind myself why:

1stly, My earbud strands, are denoted with an 'r' and 'l' respectively. I'm assuming this stands for right and left …which raises the age-old metaphysical question: whaaaa?? I mean they look the same, so umm what the point of this denotation? Either they assume I'm retarded (fair enough) or they think tht one of my ears is grotesquely different from the other and have as such, designed separate earbud strands for each one of my freakazoid ears. Eitherways, I resent it.

2ndly, These earbuds really aren't any fun. I mean..headphones hug you warmly before hitting you with that sweet sweet sound, but earbuds don't get down with that sorta foreplay – just straight up, muscle-spread, ear rape. No means no!

So there you go peoples, go get yourself some headphones. Its almost summer! Fuck buds, get head. You deserve it.

Loop Digga on the Loose

2008-10-03T19:01:00.009-04:00

This Guy

Go! – Madlib featuring Guilty Simpson

A no-frills head nodder from the new Madlib record, 'WLIB AM: King of the Wig Flip'. I like it when Madlib reigns in his tree-smokin', envelope-pushin', horizon-rippin', space hop schtick and just gets straight down to business. Although he does have a reputation for making entire albums that tinker with abstract sounds and ideas, most of his records have at least a few heat rocks that are relatively linear and 'normal' . As if he's reminding folks just how effortlessly he can cook up run-of-the-mill bangers. And how easily he could’ve switched his style up for a shot at fortune and fame. An 'AyoIgotthis-itsnuffin' to the naysayers, if you will.

I'm not gonna talk abt whether 'Go!' (with its 'Get your pistols/Launch your missiles/ Settle your issues/ I gotta feeling somebody's gonna die tonight' chorus) is on McCain's 'Grand Daddy Yankee' muxtape. But yes, you can!

Moving on.

In his 2nd verse on "Go", Guilty Simpson goes "You want lyrics? Try these fam / You a joke like Black Man, White Man & Chinese Man." Sure, you could say that last line’s meant to be a punchline, alluding to the 'a __ man, a ___man & and a ___enter a bar' joke template. But could it be something more? Is Guilty spitting racial commentary? Maybe as Obama's rising star continues to force American society to openly discuss its feelings about race in the 21st century, Guilty is commenting about the pointlessness of rigid racial definitions. Or, on the flipside, maybe Guilty is tooooootally racist and literally thinks whites, blacks and the chinese are a joke. (Latinos, Indians, and other miscellaneous Asians get a pass for undisclosed reasons). So: Guilty Simpson – Blatant racist? I certainly have no problems implying that... on the internet.

Anywho, more grimy raps over Madlib beats please.

Another Z-Ro Album: Hug Motivation 101 - Lets Get It

2008-09-29T11:28:00.002-04:00

Not the new Lauryn Hill album

The new Z-Ro album ‘Crack’ - pretty good. Don’t sleep. Hop over to Suckapunk for a real review.

FYI, Z-Ro stans, don't be distraught by album reviews that talk abt Crack being 'upbeat'. Dude still raps like he needs a hug. "I smoke purple stuff alone in my room" certainly ain’t no 'Chicken Soup for the Gangsta Soul' ifyknowwhatImean. WHAT? You were expecting him to finally shake off the profound sorrow ingrained in his psyche? As if. At this point, I think we can safely bet tht even his rendition of 'Happy Birthday' will channel utter despair and disappointment. Shame on you, World – Look what you did to him!

Anyways, please support this man and give this record a shot, or Rap-A-Lot might never release his highly anticipated Christmas album "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell (My Life is Hell)." If the leaked street singles 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (Crack Aint Cool Remix)', 'Christ-mas (you test me?)' featuring DMX, and 'White Christmas (Let it Snow, Maaaan)' featuring Young Jeezy, are any indication, this might be the crossover record that finally catapults Z-Ro into mainstream rap stardom.

But until then. Z-Ro's Crack. In Stores Now. Sample the Infinite Sadness.

The Sarah Palin Chronicles Vol 2: Hard Knock Wife

2008-09-26T16:20:00.000-04:00

Storm Clouds Ahead

Since we are talking abt Sarah Palin, I just thought I’d mention this: Back when Mitt Romney looked like he had the Republican nomination on lock (This was late last year, during the Illinois Straw Poll, where he led all the Republican nominees with approx 40% of the support), I posted this long ass anti-Romney rant. Here’s an excerpt:

“Why is this mofo called Mitt? Seriously, how more weirdly All- American can your name be? Mitt? Oven mitt? Baseball mitt? God I get it, Mitt! I don’t care how super competent or genuinely nice you are, if you are someone named Mitt, I will definitely not chill with you - If we were in high school , I would definitely not sit at the same lunch table with you. If it’s a really hot day and we were playing ball, I’d definitely not give you any of my Fruitopia. Even if a severely-dehydrated Mitt saved my life on that day, I’d only give him orange juice (But only with tons of pulp, coz I’m an asshole like that) Moving on…

From watching the Daily Show and frequently visiting mittromney.com, I know that duke has 5 sons who are basically “serving” their country by not fighting the righteous “war on terror” and instead traveling across America for their dad’s campaign. How admirable! These five brothers refer to themselves as umm the “Five Brothers”. They also maintain lame-ass emosexxxual blogs here: http://fivebrothers.mittromney.com/ Need I say more?

Check out their super All-American names: Josh, Matt, Craig, Ben and Tagg. Shit shit I get it Mitt! Hold up though: WTF is up with naming your son Tagg? Is this after the men’s bodyspray or the game? Either way its pretty homo, if you ask me. Also, you named one of your sons Matt? Is that a play on words based on your own name? “Hi my name is Mitt and this is my son Matt.” - I’m not impressed. If my name was Mitt and I wanted to show off my wordplay capabilities, I’d name my son Ttim. Yeah, you heard right, Tim with two TTs. That’s intriguing. I would definitely vote for a Ttim! Wouldn’t you? ”

Fast forward to now – Romney’s off the Republican radar (thanks to my rant, I’d like to believe), but McCain’s set up Sarah Palin as his VP nominee. In case you didn’t already know, Palin’s kids are named Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper. Probably just to spite me and my efforts to keep silly names out of politics and world domination.

Do these names placate the public? Is this supposed to be endearing?

Republicans don't play, boyyy. I'm gonna assume tht Mrs Palin named her son Track to let y’all know that she runs shit. Place your bets.

Pretty Politricks - The Sarah Palin Chronicles

2008-09-26T12:02:00.003-04:00

Big Pimpin'

So apparently everyone's still talking abt McCain's VP nominee Sarah Palin. So ok yeah she's kinda of a looker and bit of a sassmouth. But lets not get carried away here media, she ain't no Joan Holloway (Pssssh You wish). Anyways with all the media frenzy around her, I'm very disappointed tht nobody picked up on a certain nugget of info presented in tht recent TIME mag article on her.

Granted, this sentence was buried deep within a long article, but still dukes, no excuse. From the 2nd page of the TIME article on Sarah Palin, "Call of the Wild"
"The Mayor of the Matanuska –Susitna Borough - an area the size of West Virginia that includes Wasilla – is a one armed dentist and pilot named Curt Menard. He and his family have known the Palins for decades….." yada yada yada. The article then just goes ahead, full steam, for abt 4 or 5 pages discussing her reputation in Alaska.

Wowowowwow. In case you missed it partypeople, lemme rewind that sentence back one more time. Onearmeddentistandpilot wicca wicca . Now drop the beat. *violent record scratch* LIKE WTF? Why does nobody screeeeeech their sudden brakes for a sentence that contains the phrase "one armed dentist and pilot" ??? I mean, SHEEEEEEEIIIIT (Word to Senator Davis). Whts more likely to instantly give you involuntary bowel movement – being on a plane driven by a one armed pilot or having your tooth taken out by a one armed dentist? Jeeeesus, take the wheel. Please. How gangsta IS Alaska? Its no wonder why Palin and her peeps connect with a war veteran like McCain. Duuuuuude, they've lived with a one armed dentist/pilot/mayor. Whatchuknowabout multi-tasking with one hand? Single handedly leading your community?

People need to ease up and disregard her lack of experience. She clearly makes up for it with an abundance of gangsta. You already know tht, despite having a kid with Down syndrome, she drastically cut funding for kids with special needs in Alaska . Damn (might have been) Miss Alaska, that's cold. I just picture her going up to her kid and going "No handouts for you, retard. This is Alaska, Bitch." LOL-ercoaster to Nowhere.

Honour the Throne

2008-09-24T20:41:00.001-04:00

This is an old Facebook Note I wrote, but I think its a pretty appropriate post to start with.

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Today on my way to work, this random stranger kept talking to me about the top 5 records that 'defined' him. He kept yapping about how the Velvet Underground, My Bloody Valentine, Pavement and a whole bunch of other indie artists changed his life deeply. And then he kept bothering me by asking about which records defined me. And I was like "Um none dude. That's a pretty ridiculous question if you ask me. My life has been kinda yknow …not sad" At this point, the dude muttered "fucking cynic" and walked away.

Actually, you know what, maybe I AM being too cynical when I refuse to admit that art has changed my life dramatically. Come to think of it, there has been something that really has changed my life for the better. I bet it changed all of our lives actually. And unlike ahem annoying hipsters who just name drop obscure indie artists to sound cool, I actually have the balls to explain how all our lives have been transformed by this phenomenon.

You know what's CHANGED in all of our lives? Potty training. Yes, Potty training. We have never ever ever ever ever (ever ever?) been the same since we mastered the art of excretion. Just think about it. Were it not for potty training, you'd still be making doodoo in your diapers. You'd be clueless as to how to get rid of shit properly. You'd be at work, doing an important boardroom presentation in front of high profile coworkers and managers, and suddenly you'd feel some irregular bowel movement and your only thought would be: "Aww shit! Time to shit in my underpants again!" KnowwhatImean? You'd be at the club grinding next to someone and be like "Aww shit I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for thissssss…coz my body's too bootylicious for ya babe" and …well yknow. I actually have a whole list of scenarios where this lack of toilet training can land you in a whole lot of shit, but I'm gonna spare you the details for now. I think you get the picture.

I realize we're all prone to hyperbole every now and then, but the important thing to recognize is this: Potty training is one of the few underrated art forms that actually deserves the label "life changing"If you are reading this, stop wasting your life asking stupid questions. Call your parents, start crying, and be like: "Hey mom, dad. It's me. I just wanna say Thank you. Thank you for teaching me to shit properly. It's been a life altering experience. I'm on the can right now. I dedicate my next dump to you. Merry Christmas!"

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